Does Trying to Be Positive Ever Annoy You?

Trying to be positive when that’s not how you feel is kind of like being hungry with a plate of food in front of you, but allowing yourself only a few or no bites. And then there’s the guilt, right?

Sometimes it can feel frustrating to me to practice what I preach: Look for and aim at the positive aspects and a positive attitude in each moment for your own peace of mind and harmony in your life. Why is this? I think it’s because I, and maybe you, too, aim at the desired end result too close to an experience and forget there’s a process that has a purpose that fits right smack in the middle of those two points. That process includes feelings we may label as negative, but they need to “eat” too.

I believe I’m a spiritual being having a human experience, but sometimes I slip into judgment about the human part of that equation, as though it has less value than the spiritual part, instead of being the yang to that yin, or to say it another way, the other side of a whole coin. When I do this to myself, I get onto a merry-go-round that spins a lot, but takes me nowhere. When I disregard my human aspect in this way, it puts me into the mindset of denying my emotions and feelings, as though they are faulty burdens or flaws rather than tools that are also gifts that inform. And, that doesn’t feel good either.

When we feel negative, how obligated are we to feel better fast? I think part of our confusion about this is that we try to respond to such times according to what others expect or we think they do—so, we think that’s what we also should believe, rather than let our human and spiritual aspects act as the partners they are so they can take us through an experience and move us beyond it. This is one reason some of our issues stay unresolved for such a lengthy time: we don’t hang out with them long enough in a way that allows us to be self-informed enough to make firm decisions about how to make an inner then outer shift. However, being “too comfortable” in negativity means identifying with it, as though it has you rather than you have it.

When any of us deny an emotion that asks for our attention, we deny its right to be heard. It’s like feeling the sting of a splinter in your finger, yet insisting it should be ignored in favor of a “higher” approach. It’s a fact that if that splinter finds its way deeper into your body and travels, that ain’t good. That’s what happens with denied feelings. Instead of being fully present with what’s going on, we judge ourselves for having anything going on that’s not totally positive… like insisting our coin always land heads-up and never tails-up. It’s just not realistic.

If you also believe you’re a spiritual being having a human experience, why do you think that is—what I mean is why come here to be in a body? I think we do that to feel, including feelings—like instead of watching a movie, we become actors in it so we experience it. Yet, this seems to be the very thing many of us try not to do inside our lives. With all the things we feel annoy us in life, this denial of our whole self is a really big one we annoy ourselves with.

Here are some of my personal annoyances. Maybe you share one or more:

There are times I don’t like what my human “mirrors” show me about myself. It annoys me to have a gripe about someone and have to face the fact that I do what I’m griping about them doing, in some way, shape, or form. If I don’t want to see it in them or be triggered negatively when I do, I have to shift it so I’m not doing my version of it anymore.

It sometimes annoys me to realize that thinking about “can’t’s” and “won’t’s”, as in what I can’t do and what I don’t have, will NEVER create desired results, that I really do have to direct my thoughts onto what I can do and what I do have if I want desired experiences and results. This one comes from those early years when we’re taught to compare ourselves to others, but with a negative comparison instead of a positive one, a habit we tend to continue as adults. Imagine Mozart self-judging because he wasn’t something other than what he was. He focused on what he did best, and which fed his spiritual-human self.

It annoys me to be in a bad mood and it annoys me to think I should never be in a bad mood. This is some part of me “dissing” my human aspect because, after all, as someone who’s in the self-improvement arena, I “should” always be in a good mood, right? No. I prefer to be in a good mood, so I know I’ll eventually make the effort to go in that direction or hit that target. But the fact is that sometimes it feels GOOD to be in a bad mood just for a while. Whether I inflict that on someone else and to what degree, is another matter altogether.

I know that wallowing in any emotion doesn’t benefit me, and I know that wallowing and experiencing are not the same things. I know that denial of my emotions doesn’t feel good, but neither does letting them rule me like an unruly child. I know that self-judgment never improves a down or bad mood, but denying that this happens sometimes, puts me on that merry-go-round.

I do appreciate how quickly a not-great or even bad mood can flip in a flash. I value those moments. When this happens it’s usually because someone stated appreciation to me in some way or I chose to do or say something that made another person smile or feel appreciated. Maybe we ought to re-assess and re-value how valuable appreciation is to us and others.

You may grasp and accept that everything happens for a reason, has a purpose, and has perfection in the bigger scheme, but it takes true integration before you behave like a calm, wise sage when something affects you and your life. The sage still feels, but has applied him- or herself to doing the process that leads to expanded conscious awareness, by taking themselves through contrasts brought to their attention through emotions and feelings. This process done consistently for however long it takes is what allows them to more quickly close the gap between upset feelings about an experience and true spiritual understanding and at-one-ment, which leads them to manage themselves in the way most of us aspire to do.

Life is about looking for and traveling in the direction that leads us along our path that takes us from one point to another. But, it’s our path to walk. However, we can choose who we engage with at times and how. We can choose to talk to friends, a life coach, or a counselor or therapist. We can be aware there are three forms of communication. There’s complaining while being closed to feedback and productive action steps, which energetically drains the complainer and those who listen to it. There’s venting, which is about tea and sympathy; it asks for a gentle listener who cares and will support you. And there’s discussion, which is a way to brainstorm ideas and possible solutions. Sometimes, we do all three in one conversation. But you can aim at the same target performers do: Whatever happens during the performance, end well, because that’s what people remember.

There’s an art and science to using negative emotions in our favor. We can choose to put this into practice just as soon as we decide it’s time to stop being or stop enjoying being annoyed.

Practice makes progress.
© Joyce Shafer
See the 4-day $1 sale on all my e-books at http://stateofappreciation.webs.com

Number Your Days and Name Your Blessings

Do your days feel ordinary? Do you feel there are too few blessings in your life? Maybe you’d like to shift this.

Let’s look at the second part of the article title first. We tend to put a lot of energy into naming what we want (often stated as “don’t haves”) and not a lot of energy into naming what we have. We are surrounded by people and advertising—obvious and subtle—that promote this as a natural or expected way to be and feel. The result is that we wake each morning, go about our days, and go to sleep with very little appreciation for what we have and may, in fact, dwell on the opposite.

We believe—which is really mimic others and repeat behaviors we learned—that it’s natural or responsible to focus on what’s “wrong” with us, everyone else, and in certain areas of our lives or life itself. This is so prevalent that we miss or discount what is right in us, others, and life. We learned to think about what’s “wrong.” We learned to complain (rather than occasionally vent) to anyone who’ll listen or happens to be where we are, maybe about the same things over and over. We’re so focused in this way that often our perspective about “what is” gets skewed, and our ability to be creative about solutions, resolutions, or improvements gets diminished.

Kurt Wright explained in his book, Breaking the Rules, that we use our rational minds to judge, to assign value as right/wrong, good/bad rather than use that part of our mind as it was designed: To convey “facts into and back out of our intuition,” so that we use our whole-mind function rather than just the analytical mind, which has been scientifically proven unable to discern fact from fiction. The result is that we disallow “good judgment” to happen. Judgment, in its most beneficial form, is there to help us figure out what fits and doesn’t, in an ongoing, ever-evolving assessment of a desired ideal. When we go straight into right/wrong, good/bad judgment, we block our intuition’s ability to respond to beneficial questions like, “What else might be going on here? What might the bigger picture be? What feels appropriate for me, or inappropriate? What would have to happen for me to feel head and heart alignment about this?”

Recognizing what you have doesn’t mean you aren’t aware of what you’d like to shift so that you have more desirable experiences and results. In fact, the greater your appreciation for what you have, the greater your ability is to solve, resolve, and make productive shifts. We want more “blessings” in our life, but do we notice (name) the ones we have? To those who have appreciation, more to appreciate is given.

One way to name your blessings, as wisely stated by Joel Osteen, is to as often as possible, exchange the words HAVE TO with GET TO. Think about what this really means in the greater scheme of life around the world. You don’t have to go to work, you get to go to work (you’re able to receive income). You don’t have to do your studies, you get to do them (education is available). You don’t have to wake up, you get to wake up (you’re alive another day, with its opportunities). You don’t have to interact with your children or other family members, you get to (your loved ones are still with you). You don’t have to work with clients or customers, you get to (people want what you provide). Recall the last thing you said you had to do and use “get to” instead of “have to”. How does that feel? Example: I have to grocery shop vs. I get to grocery shop, which means I get to walk into a store and easily reach for what I want or need rather than have to grow, raise, process, or preserve all of it.

What else in your life do you say you Have to do that, with a perspective shift, you realize you Get to do? See? Hear? Breathe? Feel? Think? Love? Appreciate? Pay for products and services that benefit your life? Use your limbs? How many things do you experience that go unnoticed or unappreciated by you?

This leads to the first part of the article title: Number Your Days. The quote comes from the Bible, Psalm 90:12 – “Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom.” This is about appreciating each day. It’s about realizing what author Dan Millman realized: “There are no ordinary moments.” I add: only ordinary perspectives.

We are so involved with our thoughts about matters and things, mostly negative thoughts, that we miss the fact that every moment we have is extraordinary—and numbered. None of us know the number of our days or the days of others. It’s not that we’re to use this as our motivation to behave better, but to let awareness of this motivate better behavior and deeper appreciation—to place greater value on our moments and blessings than we have been. I’m not saying we should appreciate anything that’s intolerable or inappropriate (though, we can appreciate that we can discern this and make a choice in favor of our well-being); this is about the gifts in our life that we don’t recognize and name as such.

You woke up today. It’s likely you were able to get out of bed without assistance—same for going to the bathroom; or if you needed assistance, it’s likely you had it. It’s likely you showered or bathed inside, with water you could adjust temperature-wise to suit you. You probably had coffee and food in your kitchen or easy access to someone who provided them. Maybe you drove, rode a bike, used public transportation, or walked to work—even if that’s in the next room. Maybe you interacted with a loved one or will during the day. The list can go on and on. It’s up to you to practice naming your blessings, small and large. It’s up to you to practice seeing your days and moments as numbered and, therefore, not in the least ordinary.

Today, and everyday, take time to appreciate what you have, especially what you usually don’t think about, or often take for granted. Consider the habit of not getting out of bed until you find at least one reason to feel deep appreciation, rather than start your day with grumbling. Make a moment to state appreciation to someone—it matters. It makes a difference—for them and for you.

Practice makes progress.
© Joyce Shafer