Are You Too Nice?

A friend once said she believed the only thing to really fear was regret. Do you ever regret being nice, or being not nice?

I called the pharmacy to check on my mother’s billing and asked for Janell, the woman who’d helped me before. After a pause, the woman who’d answered the phone told me Janell had died. Though I’d only spoken with Janell a few times, she always remembered me and was so pleasant that I commented on it to her, and thanked her for it. I was glad, when I learned of her death, that I had no regret about our interactions, and that I’d told her how much I appreciated her.

When I first moved to New York City, people kept saying to me, “You’re so nice,” as though it was an anomaly. I heard it so often that it began to annoy me. I even took a Learning Annex class in Manhattan titled, “Stop Being So Nice.” It didn’t work (grin.) I now find this humorous; and instead of being annoyed these days, I would say “Thank you.”

I have “buttons” that can get pushed just as everyone else does, but I tend to aim at kindness or courtesy (often called niceness) first, whenever possible. People with more aggressive personalities think this is a flaw and aren’t shy about telling me so (another grin). But I think that whenever possible during a challenge, conflict, or contrast, it’s more productive to ask a right question than to make accusations or be rude.

This is a good way to stay in integrity and treat anyone else involved with integrity. (No one appreciates being treated without integrity. Look at the strife it causes in families, communities, and around the world.) Being able to do this automatically when triggered is something that happens after practicing it, perhaps after quite a lot of practice. Before this becomes automatic, you may state you need a pause when triggered and that you’ll get back to the person soon; then do so in a more productive frame of mind. 

Here’s a moderate example of keeping integrity. My mother told the physical therapy people that she’d be happy to go to therapy at 2 p.m., but not in the mornings. The next morning more than one therapist came to get her at different times, and she had to restate her preference. When we spoke about this, she expressed her annoyance and feeling that they were ignoring her wishes. I told her this might be what was going on and it might be there was a longer-than-desired gap between people getting therapy and they were bored (which is not her issue, but theirs), or it might be something else entirely. Without asking them, we didn’t have enough information to decide what this was about. I suggested she ask them this question: “What do we need to do so that you to come for me at 2:00 and not before?” This type of question states the issue, problem, or situation and involves the others in the solution. It shines a light on their actions without any rudeness or negative assertions. It is, well, nice.

Being nice can be relaxing, as long as it’s genuine, that is. False niceness isn’t nice at all, nor does it feel good the way genuine niceness does. It’s better to go for politeness based on empathy than false niceness. Genuine empathy and false niceness are both energies that will be picked up on by the recipient. The first one creates connection; the second one does not and cannot, and may, in fact, create more conflict.

I recently read something that really resonates for me: Student says, “I am very discouraged. What should I do?” Master says, “Encourage others.” This resonates because somewhere along the line, this very action, or at least being courteous to others when experiencing personal emotional upset, took root in me. And it never fails to make me feel better and to calm my emotions. I think this is because to do this requires me to take attention away from whatever has my ego-aspect off balance and place it, empathetically, onto others. The good energy my niceness inspires in them washes over me, and we are both nurtured. Whatever’s bothering me may not be resolved by this nice treatment of others, but I feel better. And better energy being matched by Law of Attraction is a desirable path to travel.

We all share a journey that’s not always an easy one. Even the briefest expression of empathy, and appreciation, can make a huge difference. This can even establish the nature of the relationship between you and those you do business with. This can sometimes be easier to do with strangers or associates than with family members you have contrasts with; but it can be done. It all depends on the result you desire; though, no result is guaranteed when one or more others are involved. But it is always a matter of whether or not you want to fill your life with small and large regrets or joys. It matters if you’re invested in evolving you and your spiritual development and connection with all, no matter what others choose.

I watched a Joyce Meyer program when she sang a Willie Nelson song to her husband, altering one lyric line in a poignant way to explain why she’d been so difficult to live with the first several years of their marriage: “I was always on my mind.” It’s like this for many of us. It’s understandable, but it can also be overdone by our ego-aspect that tends to forget we aren’t the only ones in our life with needs, desires, concerns, and fears.

Can you be too nice? I don’t think so. You can be too falsely nice in order to mask what you really feel or to avoid an unskillful sharing of your personal truth with others. But the world could use more niceness based in genuine caring, genuine courtesy, and genuine empathy for our shared experience of making our way through life and learning with lesser or greater or evolving awareness. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

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How Important or Easy Is It to Choose Better Behavior?

It’s become too easy to forget or to ignore the Golden Rule. We can choose to follow the behavior examples we see on “reality” shows or we can be examples of better behavior.

A light rain - more like a drizzle - began to fall as I sat reading on my sofa. It was ideal: a good novel, a soft rain, and quiet. Then a young boy walked by my window and stopped. A second young boy joined him then a third and a fourth. The first boy saw the birdseed on my window sill, commented on it, and pretended to eat it. The first boy was also speaking loudly, as though his friends were down the street instead of near him. The third boy said, “Be quiet. Someone may live here.” The second boy rapped on my window. He and the first boy laughed. The fourth boy was leaning against my front door and kept thumping on it. They were in no hurry to go elsewhere. My quiet had been disturbed.

I opened the door and looked at each boy in turn and said to all, “Hi. How’re you doing?” They looked surprised, but they didn’t run. The third boy, the tallest, said, “We’re staying out of the rain.” I didn’t point out that he was the only one standing in it, I just said, “That’s a good idea.”

Most of the birdseed had been knocked off the sill when the first two boys had seated themselves on the brick, and I couldn’t see the water dish. “You saw the birdseed?” I asked. “Is the water dish still there?” The second boy said it had fallen, which really meant it had been put or knocked down. Without my asking, he picked it up and put it back on the sill.

I told them the birds sing to me and I feed them and make sure they have water. The second boy said, “There’s a bird’s nest in there.” He pointed to a gray mass draped on limbs and I told him it was moss that I’d placed there, that I would love if the birds used it for their nests. He asked what moss is and I asked if he knew what pineapple was. He did. I told him that although it didn’t look like it and you couldn’t eat it, moss was a member of the pineapple family.

The fourth boy, silent up to this point, said, “People used to use moss because they didn’t have toilet paper.” (I did mention they were young boys; and, I did tidy his actual statement.) I told him that moss had also been mixed with mud to make insulated walls for houses. He repeated his statement about moss, which he probably found more interesting and definitely more amusing than architecture, and I added that people once used corncobs, as well, which got their attention and them into animated conversation.

A woman’s voice called out. It was the mother of the first boy, poking her head out of their front door. She said something to him in Spanish. I smiled at each boy and said, “I’m going back to what I was doing. Stay dry.” They lingered for about a minute after I went inside then quietly went their separate ways.

I could have yelled at them to get away from my house, and for disturbing the birdseed and water – but I also recall being that age and believing any land with grass growing on it was public domain. I could have scolded them for discussing a nature’s-call matter, but instead gave them more info. I could have gritched about this to others, not to mention replayed it in my mind as a reason to be angry or upset. Instead, I have a much more pleasant memory to replay. They may never mention our several minutes together to others, but I could just as easily have given them a reason to talk unfavorably about me to their families and neighborhood friends. Instead, we engaged in a friendly and somewhat informative chat.

I’d shared with them about exchanging something (seed and water) with the birds for their songs, something unique about moss, and some pre-modern hygiene trivia. They’d reminded me that we really can choose how we engage with others, that courtesy doesn’t have to be a lost or forgotten or ignored art. And, that we more often than not find what we look for – in ourselves, others, and life.

They gave me the opportunity to practice the Golden Rule… to remember that each of us wants to be recognized as a member of the human family, whatever our age… to remember that children and adults benefit from positive examples, even if we never see the results. That in each and every moment we are an example of something for someone – or can be.

Interestingly, using courtesy is one way to simplify our lives a bit. It’s far too common for people to fly into fits of temper over matters that don’t really merit it, an act which usually creates an even bigger and unnecessary disturbance. It’s far too easy to forget courtesy can go a long way, with strangers, associates, and especially people we’re in our closest relationships with. Too easy to forget the Golden Rule is a facet of Law of Attraction: treat others as you wish to be treated… because you WILL be, if not by them, by others… because we wear our energetic vibrations like invisible clothing, which is “seen” and responded to by others and considered an instruction by Law of Attraction.

The boys gave me an opportunity to enter a state of appreciation that I can remember common courtesy should be used as often as possible and is rewarding on many levels. That use of it more often than not creates outward ripples. Courtesy costs nothing; and the significant returns can be great, starting with how we feel about ourselves, as well as the memories we create for us and others.

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer