Every Fear Hides a Wish

The article title is a line of dialogue from a movie. I shared it with a friend who emailed back, "What does THAT mean?" So, let’s consider what it may mean to you and to all of us.

It could mean we wish the opposite of what we're afraid of were true instead. Or, if we fear instability in some area of our lives, perhaps we wish security in this matter was etched in stone so we never had to think about it or fear it again. It could mean we're in denial. Denial of what-is and of what we feel is never a good thing. It leads to more of the same or worse happening because we aren’t addressing what needs to be addressed. Denial of what-is or what we feel makes us feel and behave like a victim, of any circumstance and of ourselves.

Dealing with a fear (or managing it) is something we can develop inner tools for. Making wishes become realities is also something we can do if we apply ourselves at the inner and outer levels. So what would be the next step in considering this?

In my opinion, whether it’s a fear or a wish we’re considering, I think that ultimately we want to feel strong. We want to feel a level of self-trust so that fears and wishes are matters we readily address but perhaps differently than we may have before. It all boils down to one underlying thing: We doubt we can or will be able to handle ourselves physically, mentally, emotionally, or even spiritually in the face of certain challenges, be it a fear we feel or a wish we desire to be a reality.

Self-trust and security have a partnership. Security, as much as our ego self would like it to be an outer experience, is really an inner one, and it’s based on or in self-trust, and trust in Source. Everything changes; and that can rattle our sense of security pretty darn fast. However, when we KNOW our sense of security (or, perhaps preferably, serenity) comes from within, change might stir (or roil) the waters of our life, but we know we can restore inner balance by pulling from the strong foundation of who we know ourselves to be, and especially, our trust in Source. When we have a defined level of self-trust and trust in Source, we know we can manage ourselves through any gust or gale. Our self-trust and trust in Source is our security, and our serenity. And when we have the mindset that any step we take or choice we make will lead us to learn something about ourselves so we can grow, we realize we cannot ever fail.

Perhaps the next time you feel a fear, look for which wish accompanies it; though, you’ll likely find the ultimate wish is that you believe in yourself enough to trust you can handle whatever comes your way, whether that’s to take an action that creates a positive shift or to choose to release something or someone from your life that or who is taking life force from you rather than contributing to your joy and fulfillment.

Ask yourself how you truly want to feel about any matter. Then ask yourself what stops you from feeling that way now. You may quickly realize the only thing that stops you is that you made a choice based on your level of self-trust, even if that choice was to believe you are confused. You can give yourself permission to feel the way you wish to feel, no matter what, and trust yourself and Source. You can realize there are only steps that lead you to grow and learn. Try it. Watch what happens in your life as a result. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.        

         

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce L. Shafer

Everything Has A Reason and A Season

Trees don't struggle to keep their leaves when autumn arrives, nor do they resist new growth in spring. But, resistance to change is how we sometimes or often approach our lives and experiences.

Life asks—insists really, that we engage a continuous shedding and new growth aspect. Maybe you're trying to hang onto something it's time to let go of or trying to change something not ready to shift just yet.

Everything that comes to us really does have a reason, as difficult as it sometimes is to perceive or believe. Even some of the most painful, frustrating, and scary moments have eventually made sense at some later time—have shown some purpose in my life and in the greater tapestry I'm part of. Like when a personal or professional relationship ends, only to see days, months, or years later that what happened was actually order demonstrated within what felt like chaos initially or even for a while longer.

Every change that's happened or happens in my life is eventually revealed as an intricate, integral aspect of something larger—something only a Higher Mind could orchestrate with such precision and wisdom, whether we attribute that wisdom to our soul self or Source or the partnership that exists between them. Pain and struggle felt after events have happened, felt that way because I temporarily disconnected from absolute trust in Source (and sometimes in myself), a trust that has been demonstrated as worthy and worth it more times than it seems it should take for an individual to finally accept and allow that everything has a reason.

Everything also has a season. How often have you relied on something for a while only to see it diminish or begin to show signs of this, and you tried to cling to it as though it were permanent, or should be? When something is shed or removed from our life, it means that something else is coming our way; something desires to open, expand, renew, or be created.

Look at your life right now and notice what, as the Native American phrase goes, has stopped "growing corn" for you, or you're aware that it's heading that way. I bet you can think of at least one aspect of your life this applies to, just as I can. Sometimes we think we are obligated to hold on when we are actually obligated to let go in order to look after our best interests and well-being, or look toward where and how we are to grow next. People, things, and events come into our life for a reason and a season, though the season may be brief or long and the reason unclear, until it's time for us to understand it differently.

When you see that a season for something in your life is approaching its end, that's the time to envision the next phase or realize you're at a crossroads, and that it's time to give what's next real consideration. Often, because we tend to hang on to things when their season is waning, or even over, we ignore the fact that we're being nudged or kicked in the backside to not only embrace the fact of forthcoming change but get involved with it so we have as much influence as possible about how we experience what comes next.

Whenever the stream or streams you rely on show signs of drying up or changing course, for a reason or a season, you can consider one of these approaches:

1.       Is it time to find a new stream? Perhaps you're being nudged toward growth and newness, and a new right-for-you stream is elsewhere. You need to go there, where you find fresh, flowing waters. The reason your stream dries up or changes course is because you might not make the move you need to unless this happens. You may feel like you're being punished or penalized. You aren't; you're being motivated to grow.

2.       Maybe there's a better way, an innovation, you haven't thought of or tried yet. One tweak or even a small shift in one direction or another may make all the difference.

3.       Maybe it's about looking for what blocks the stream, like limiting beliefs or negative thinking or fear of change, so you can begin a process that lets the metaphorical waters flow again. (An empowering book that can help is Feel the Fear…and Do It Anyway by Susan Jeffers.)

Sometimes we attempt to make a change happen before its time. This can feel frustrating, like we're spinning our wheels, when we've simply shown up for our appointment a bit too early. It's like getting to the restaurant far earlier than you can be seated or before other members of your party arrive. The wait feels different than if you arrived on time or together.

There's another aspect to this. Have you ever had the feeling that something you're about to do isn't as "right" as it might be, or you feel hesitation? That's your intuition communicating with you. If you're headstrong or so focused on easing a fear, pain, or frustration with an action, you may ignore that inner nudge. I'm not saying I get this right every time, but I more often than not get that nudge and pause, like when I'm about to send an e-mail I'm eager to get out and that twinge comes to me. I have to be willing to trust that my inner wisdom and guidance wants me to pay attention to something; and when I listen I see why the signal was sent. It’s also important to discern if it’s a true intuitive nudge or a fear based on a self-worth or confidence issue.

You've heard it before: A vacuum is created so there's room to fill it with something else, or something better, but always something that contributes to our life experience in a meaningful way. How quickly we open to seeing it this way has all to do with how long we choose to struggle with the transition. This doesn't mean we are obligated to "like" all change that happens; but just as forgiveness is really about setting us free, understanding this reason-and-season fact can help us find serenity that results from trust in Source, and in ourselves, when inner storms happen. You can also adopt the mindset that everything that happens is a win for you because it’s an opportunity to learn and grow. You can deliberately look for the potential benefits.

Maybe it's time for you to give thought to which streams in your life supply you with energy and life force, which don't, and which need adjustment so they flow smoothly and abundantly again. As the saying from an unknown author goes, “The pathway is smooth. Why do you throw rocks before you?” Put this kind of consideration into practice and see where or how it leads you. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.        

         

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce L. Shafer

Is It a Breaking Point or a Turning Point?

There are crossroad moments in life, but there are also moments that have a stronger dynamic than that. These are moments when you face major decisions about giving up or giving out or going forward in life.

"A crisis only becomes a breaking point when we fail to use it as a turning point," wrote Guy Finley. Most of us have had a moment when we faced, or may now face, this truth. Depending on what’s going on, we can feel weakened, either momentarily or for longer; and we may have to dig deep for the courage and self-love to head toward the direction of a balance point. Along with this, it takes an act of courage to reach out to others when we feel weakened so that we can get strong again, as author and motivational speaker Les Brown reminded us. That’s not always easy or comfortable to do, especially if you have self-worth issues about your deservedness or a belief that you have to be perceived as perfect, which means you erroneously believe you must never have or demonstrate feelings other than those of empowerment.

Sometimes, what gets us to feel we’re approaching a breaking point is a series of events that seem to pile up. Sometimes, it's one event. Sometimes, it’s both, which has been my recent experience. Either scenario can make us feel that we're going to break open or break apart. That's why I was especially appreciative to reread Finley's and Brown’s words. I’ve had to reach out to select others lately, in order to stay strong during a particularly challenging time. I’ve had to look at my role in the dynamics and own it, which has been painful but transforming; but doing this empowers me in many ways. What I've been facing can be viewed as a problem (breaking point) or as an impetus (turning point) to do something that's needed to be done for quite a while. In its specific way, my situation is a signal to turn and aim my life in a direction that is more appropriate for me, as though I can hear the words whispered on the wind, "Your life is calling you." Along with the emotions I’ve experienced, I’ve also been able to see the gifts and the hand of Source at work for my and the highest good.

It's somewhat frightening and exhilarating to stand in this place. Like that phrase that refers to leaping and finding you can fly. The encouraging words of support and love that have been coming to me from family and friends, and messages sent by Source in its very special way, help me remember how blessed I am in my life, how much I have to appreciate. And I realize one of the biggest blessings is that I can recognize this.

I haven’t popped right into "positive energy and emotions only" mode as yet, nor will I put that unrealistic demand or burden on myself: There are still things to resolve and healing work to be done. I know that staying in an agitated state won’t fix anything and is potentially damaging to the body, as well as every area of life. Einstein's words come back to me, "No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it." I can't keep doing the same things and expect different results; none of us can. And I can tell you that making specific changes has not been received well by one and all, though, support for the needed changes is strong from others; though, that shouldn’t be required in order for any of us to take strength in any choice we make that’s in our best and highest interest. In fact, making specific changes has set other dynamics into motion, as is wont to happen; but I completely trust Source to continue to support me, as well as act for the highest good of all involved.

Why is it that we sometimes feel compelled to wait to make changes until we have to? I'm one who believes everything has a purpose, so there's no judgment in that question. I can think of lots of reasons we might do that. Sometimes the reasons include being a kind, caring person who doesn’t like to give up, which means the person also doesn’t know that necessary endings are natural and, well, necessary, whether that’s a complete ending or ending only what doesn’t work. Sometimes it’s because a co-dependent (toxic) relationship has been formed, whether personal or professional, and any number of fears get in the way, preventing a needed shift from happening. Sometimes it’s because we live from the outside in rather than from the inside out, which puts the quality of our life into the hands of others instead of in our own hands and in partnership with Source. Sometimes it’s to get our attention onto an inner healing that is needed, which of course could result in any or all of the above reasons I listed here. I'm certainly now aware of my reasons, and I'm directing my energy in a way that lets me move forward, however this challenge unfolds.

If you experience a moment, or are in one now, that feels like a breaking point, what might you do to make it your turning point? It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.           

           

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce L. Shafer

Number Your Days and Name Your Blessings

Do your days feel ordinary? Do you feel there are too few blessings in your life? Maybe you'd like to shift this.

Let's look at the second part of the article title first. We tend to put a lot of energy into naming what we want (often stated as "don't haves") and not a lot of energy into naming what we have. We are surrounded by people and advertising, obvious and subtle, that promotes this as a natural or expected way to be and feel. The result is that we wake each morning, go about our days, and go to sleep with very little appreciation for what we have and we may, in fact, dwell on the opposite, that is, what we perceive as the negatives.

         

We believe, which is really mimic others and repeat behaviors we learned, that it's natural or responsible to focus on what's "wrong" with us, everyone else, and in certain areas of our lives or life itself. This is so prevalent that we miss or discount what is right in us, others, and life. We learned to complain (rather than occasionally vent) to anyone who'll listen or happens to be where we are, maybe about the same things over and over. We're so focused in this way that, often, our perspective about what-is, as well as what can be, gets skewed, and our ability to be creative about solutions, resolutions, or improvements gets diminished.

Kurt Wright explained in his book, Breaking the Rules, that we use our rational minds to judge, to assign value as right/wrong, good/bad rather than use that part of our mind as it was designed: To convey "facts into and back out of our intuition," so that we use our whole-mind function rather than just the analytical mind, which has been scientifically proven unable to discern fact from fiction. The result is that we disallow "good judgment" to happen. Judgment, in its most beneficial form, is there to help us figure out what fits and doesn't, in an ongoing, ever-evolving assessment of a desired ideal. When we go straight into right/wrong, good/bad judgment, we block our intuition's ability to respond to beneficial questions like, "What else might be going on here? What might the bigger picture be? What feels appropriate for me, or inappropriate? What would have to happen for me to feel head-and-heart alignment about this, or at all?"

Recognizing what you have doesn't mean you aren't aware of what you'd like to shift so that you have more desirable experiences and results. In fact, the greater your appreciation is for what you have, the greater your ability is to solve, resolve, and make productive shifts. We want more blessings in our life, but do we notice (name) the ones we have? Do we embrace them? To those who have appreciation, more to appreciate is given.

One way to name your blessings, as wisely stated by Joel Osteen, is to as often as possible, exchange the words HAVE TO with GET TO. Think about what this really means in the greater scheme of life around the world. You don't have to go to work, you get to go to work (you're able to receive income and perhaps perks). You don't have to do your studies, you get to do them (education is available). You don't have to wake up, you get to wake up (you're alive another day, with its opportunities). You don't have to interact with your children or other members of your family, you get to interact with them (your loved ones are still with you). You don't have to work with clients or customers, you get to (people want what you provide). Recall the last thing you said you had to do and say "get to" instead of "have to." How does that feel? Example: I have to grocery shop vs. I get to grocery shop, which means I get to walk into a store and easily reach for what I want or need rather than have to grow, raise, process, or preserve all of it; and I have the means to do this.

What else in your life do you say you Have to do that, with a perspective shift, you realize you Get to do? See? Hear? Breathe? Feel? Think? Love? Appreciate? Pay for products and services that benefit your life? Use your limbs? How many moments do you experience that go unnoticed or unappreciated by you?

This leads to the first part of the article title: Number Your Days. The quote comes from the Bible, Psalm 90:12 "Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom." This is about appreciating each day. It's about realizing what author Dan Millman realized: "There are no ordinary moments." I add: only ordinary perspectives.

We are so involved with our thoughts about matters and things, mostly negative thoughts, that we miss the fact that every moment we have is extraordinary—and numbered. None of us know the number of our days or the days of others. It's not that we're to use this as our motivation to behave better out of a sense of obligation or guilt, but to let awareness of this motivate better, more joyful behavior and deeper appreciation, to place greater value on our moments and blessings than we have been. I'm not saying we should appreciate anything that's intolerable or inappropriate (though, we can appreciate that we can discern this and make a choice in favor of our well-being); this is about the gifts in our life that we don't recognize and name as such.

You woke up today. It's likely you were able to get out of bed without assistance. Same for going to the bathroom; or if you needed assistance, it's likely you had it. It's likely you showered or bathed inside your residence, with water you could adjust temperature-wise to suit you. You probably had coffee and food in your kitchen or easy access to someone who provided them. Maybe you drove, rode a bike, used public transportation, or walked to work, even if that's in the next room. Maybe you interacted with a loved one or cherished friend, or will during the day. The list can go on and on. It's up to you to practice naming your blessings, small and large. It's up to you to practice seeing your days and moments as numbered and, therefore, not in the least ordinary.

Today, and everyday, take time to appreciate what you have, especially what you usually don't think about or often take for granted. Consider the habit of not getting out of bed until you find at least one reason to feel deep appreciation rather than start your day with grumbling or trepidation. Make a moment to state appreciation to someone—it matters. It makes a difference, for them and for you. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.          

                                

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer