What do you believe confidence is? Maybe you’re right, and maybe you’ll be surprised.
Maybe you, like many, confuse confidence with competence. And that’s understandable because you’re advised to enhance your skills, knowledge, and expertise, and presto: The confident you will emerge and flourish. Well, in a way. You would feel confident about what you know and can do, but would you absolutely feel overall confidence as an individual? Not necessarily. Competence does not guarantee confidence. Confidence based on competence alone can be shaken the moment something goes off-kilter or you enter unfamiliar “territory”.
When confidence is low, we don’t feel and really aren’t fully present in whatever moment we find ourselves in. When confidence is low, our thoughts are wrapped up in anxiety, usually with garbage from the past and fears about the future vying for equal time. And amid that thought chaos, we’re busy thinking or worrying about what we’ll say or do rather than listening to what’s being said or observing what’s going on, and responding appropriately for us and according to what’s happening right then.
If you’re someone who feels you lack confidence or could use more, or know someone who feels this way, notice that when doing something interesting, engaging, or relaxing, confidence isn’t a concern. So when is it an issue? Any time there’s concern about what others will think about you.
Augusten Burroughs wrote: “Unscripted, unedited, and wholly authentic people are almost universally admired, especially if they have flaws, are not afraid to make live, red-blooded mistakes, and rather than trying are busy simply being.” Isn’t it interesting that people with these traits are admired and seen as confident when these traits are the very ones we’re discouraged from or even punished for demonstrating? Burroughs also said that when you desire more confidence, what you really desire is to control what others think about you. Let’s look at one reason low confidence may be an issue for so many.
Low confidence may have its origin from one “technique” parents and other authority figures use with children to get them to behave a particular way: They use shame instead of validation or guidance. Validation or guidance may take time and energy, or be a totally unfamiliar process for them, having been shamed themselves as children. Shame is a high-speed road to confidence issues. Even if the words “You should be ashamed” weren’t used, that message was implicit in whatever criticism was (or is) given. And, those shamed as children grow into adults who mimic this technique, as well.
Shame becomes like a garment worn into adulthood, one that covers or shrouds the authentic self who, as Burroughs stated, makes mistakes and keeps going, unimpeded by the opinions of others. Self-esteem or confidence issues stem from feeling some level of shame about being you, seeded by someone else’s disappointment or disapproval expressed to you. More often than not, their disappointment or disapproval was way more about them and their issues than about you. “What will people think about ME if you do that (don’t do that, look like that, etc.)?!” is often, but not solely, motivation for shaming rather than guiding. Ingrained feelings of shame lead people and their lives, but not in the direction they desire.
Shame causes you to believe you can’t do certain things or shouldn’t attempt them because “somebody” (other than you) may or will disapprove or be disappointed, especially if your attempt doesn’t have “perfect” results. Perfectionism blocks your ability to be creative and authentic. It denies your right to be uniquely you, to make mistakes and grow from them, to feel more fearless about discovery and exploration of who you are and what you can make of your life.
Are you beginning to connect how fear of being you, possibly or probably seeded by being taught shame, could affect your confidence and self-esteem? If you don’t trust your self, what can you trust? Confidence isn’t about always knowing the answer or doing the exact right thing, it’s about knowing you’ll seek and find an answer and are willing to learn and live who you are and came here to be.
Low confidence—confidence being that deep, true connection with your authentic self—is why many procedures and processes like plastic surgery, weight loss, and makeovers don’t always create the lasting feeling inside that the person hoped for. In fact, a study showed that the people who do feel good about themselves and continue to do so after such changes felt good about themselves before the change. They were also a very small percentage of those who underwent such changes.
It seems then that many of the externals we change or seek to are attempts to arrive at one thing: To feel good about being ourselves. We mistakenly think part of what will create that feeling for us is to do whatever it takes to make others approve of us. We chase our own tails with this one. If we feel good about ourselves, there will be people who enjoy or appreciate us for who we are. Maybe not everyone will feel that way about us, but getting everyone’s approval is a waste of energy and is unrealistic. It also puts us last instead of first, where we need to be if we’re to live our best life.
It’s time to acknowledge there is and ever will be only one of you. Stephen Greliet wrote something that may be familiar to you: “I shall not pass this way again . . .” Whether you believe in reincarnation or you don’t, who you are in this lifetime will never happen again. It may take time to take root, but remind yourself of this unique-you fact each day and as often as needed.
Confidence isn’t a show, despite that we’ve believed it is. It isn’t about being competent, though competence can lead to satisfaction within us. Confidence is about being at home with yourself and your right to your place in the world. It’s about being present with your self, being in the moment, and doing what’s appropriate and fulfilling for you and your process of self-discovery, rather than focused predominantly or only on the opinions of others. Ask yourself what feels right and true for you. Apply this question to topics, areas, and moments of your life, and do this at a steady, gradual pace. Discover and embrace how much there is to appreciate about you and life. It’s a good practice.
Practice makes progress.
© Joyce Shafer
Showing posts with label self-love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label self-love. Show all posts
Friday, July 20, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
How Do You Really Feel About Yourself?
Self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-love and acceptance are about the level of belief you have in yourself, which comes from knowing yourself. If these are low, there’s a good reason: your true identify was messed with.
When anthropologist Margaret Mead gave birth to her daughter, she expressed eagerness to discover who her daughter was, rather than impose who she expected her daughter to be. That’s not how it usually goes. Usually, there are expectations – low, average or high – already in place of and for us, and from more than one person as we move through life.
What happens for a lot of us as a result is what we commonly call an Identity Crisis: we grow up uncertain about who WE really are or how to discover this in a way that isn’t punishing or disapproved of, either by others or ourselves, led by others’ examples about this. After such a start in life, it may feel scary to make the journey of Self discovery.
An Identity Crisis affects your general choices and decision-making. Amid expectations of those around you now and from the past, it can feel intimidating to get to know yourself authentically, and even to love and accept yourself, or trust yourself to act in a way that keeps your self-approval and self-integrity intact.
An Identity Crisis can lead to trying to be perfect, which is impossible, stressful, and pulls or keeps a person off track and out of joy. Or, it may cause a person to feel immobilized about going for more than the basics in life. Perhaps, even some of both. When you have an Identity Crisis in any degree, you feel out of harmony with yourself and with life and even with All That Is. But, that is a perception; and you can change this.
An Identity Crisis causes us to look at what others are doing and compare ourselves to them. It leads to jealousy because we feel intimidated by the gifts, talents, and results of others, and by those who express greater belief in themselves (and All That Is) than we currently feel or demonstrate. We may try to imitate others in order to fill this void. But, when we try to be like someone else, we can’t be ourselves.
You might be able to name one or more people who were involved in any theft or disruption of your true identity, but you reach a point in life when it’s time to realize that if you have inappropriate expectations for yourself – or few appropriate expectations, you’ve become the thief or disruptor of your true identity. And this is where Law of Attraction needs to enter the picture, because this Law will match confusion and clarity equally. Law of Attraction responds to your thoughts of both what you want and don’t want – as though they are requests of equal measure.
Can you see how the effects of an Identity Crisis can affect how the Law of Attraction works in your life? Every thought, word, or action – supported by what you really feel – is a vibration you transmit that the Law of Attraction picks up as a request to be matched and fulfilled. Whatever you feel about yourself right now, you must pay attention to the vibrations of the feeling-based energy you transmit.
If you aren’t sure what it means to pay attention to the vibrations you transmit, think of it like this: what you attract is based on your perceptions, which cause you to feel a certain way. It’s about how you perceive yourself and others and life, and how you perceive your relationship or interactions with yourself, others, and life. You could say that if you want to adjust what you attract, monitor and adjust your perceptions so you monitor and adjust how you feel.
Other words for perceptions are beliefs, attitudes, expectations, anticipations, assumptions, presumptions, perspectives, and conclusions. Every attraction and therefore result in your life is set into motion by Your Perceptions, starting with how you perceive yourself. You must start with how you feel and think about you, if you want to influence any vibration you transmit to the Law of Attraction for a desired outcome.
Listen to your self-talk and what you say about anyone and anything – because there ultimately is no separation between your perceptions about yourself and perceptions about anyone or anything else. It’s all connected. We are all connected, all one energy, but many expressions of it. And though we may not like it, we cannot perceive something outside ourselves that doesn’t exist, in some measure, within us – negative or positive. We can either judge our “mirrors” or we can further hone our Self identity because of what we observe.
Who you really are is a unique, individualized expression of and participating contributor to All That Is. You’re not your body, your bank balance, your wardrobe, your car, your home, your job, or any other physical representation. And it isn’t how these “look” that represents you or attracts manifestations, but HOW YOU FEEL about how they look that does. This feeling is what Law of Attraction picks up as orders to fill, and is why a state of appreciation is so important.
Your identity is intimately linked to your experiences. You are ever unfolding, evolving – choosing! Your experiences play a significant role in assisting or allowing you to define and clarify your identity. And how you perceive your identity plays a significant role in the choices you make. Your identity is NOT based on outcomes, as society would tell you, but on what you do about and with your experiences, how you grow from them and what you learn about yourself and your relationship with All That Is through them. Outcomes are manifestations of your inner processes that can show you if you’re on target or need to take better aim with your energy.
When you clothes shop, you know what’s you and what isn’t. Approach anything and everything the same way. You don’t have to know all of your preferences or defined aspects by tomorrow; in fact, that’s not how this physical experience is set up. You’re meant to discover preferences and identity aspects, including through contrasts, and to do so until the moment you exit your physical form.
The greatest treasure you can have is feeling good, including, or especially, about yourself. This affects how you feel about everyone and everything else. This is why it’s important that the first thing to realize about your identity is that you are a beloved expression of Source. Everything that follows that is just a path of exploration, discovery, and expression. If you feel you only partially know who you really are, admit that, at least to yourself, and start where you are about this, in this moment.
Get excited about what an adventure this can be, what an adventure it was always meant to be. Your personalized adventure is a main reason you came to this physical experience. Maybe it’s time to make the most of it. Maybe it’s time to let go of worrying about how others will see you and focus on how you choose to be in partnership with who you know yourself and discover yourself to be. Practice appreciating or honoring every facet of this adventure because there’s a treasure hidden inside each facet, flat surface, gap, twist, and curve.
Practice makes progress.
© Joyce Shafer
When anthropologist Margaret Mead gave birth to her daughter, she expressed eagerness to discover who her daughter was, rather than impose who she expected her daughter to be. That’s not how it usually goes. Usually, there are expectations – low, average or high – already in place of and for us, and from more than one person as we move through life.
What happens for a lot of us as a result is what we commonly call an Identity Crisis: we grow up uncertain about who WE really are or how to discover this in a way that isn’t punishing or disapproved of, either by others or ourselves, led by others’ examples about this. After such a start in life, it may feel scary to make the journey of Self discovery.
An Identity Crisis affects your general choices and decision-making. Amid expectations of those around you now and from the past, it can feel intimidating to get to know yourself authentically, and even to love and accept yourself, or trust yourself to act in a way that keeps your self-approval and self-integrity intact.
An Identity Crisis can lead to trying to be perfect, which is impossible, stressful, and pulls or keeps a person off track and out of joy. Or, it may cause a person to feel immobilized about going for more than the basics in life. Perhaps, even some of both. When you have an Identity Crisis in any degree, you feel out of harmony with yourself and with life and even with All That Is. But, that is a perception; and you can change this.
An Identity Crisis causes us to look at what others are doing and compare ourselves to them. It leads to jealousy because we feel intimidated by the gifts, talents, and results of others, and by those who express greater belief in themselves (and All That Is) than we currently feel or demonstrate. We may try to imitate others in order to fill this void. But, when we try to be like someone else, we can’t be ourselves.
You might be able to name one or more people who were involved in any theft or disruption of your true identity, but you reach a point in life when it’s time to realize that if you have inappropriate expectations for yourself – or few appropriate expectations, you’ve become the thief or disruptor of your true identity. And this is where Law of Attraction needs to enter the picture, because this Law will match confusion and clarity equally. Law of Attraction responds to your thoughts of both what you want and don’t want – as though they are requests of equal measure.
Can you see how the effects of an Identity Crisis can affect how the Law of Attraction works in your life? Every thought, word, or action – supported by what you really feel – is a vibration you transmit that the Law of Attraction picks up as a request to be matched and fulfilled. Whatever you feel about yourself right now, you must pay attention to the vibrations of the feeling-based energy you transmit.
If you aren’t sure what it means to pay attention to the vibrations you transmit, think of it like this: what you attract is based on your perceptions, which cause you to feel a certain way. It’s about how you perceive yourself and others and life, and how you perceive your relationship or interactions with yourself, others, and life. You could say that if you want to adjust what you attract, monitor and adjust your perceptions so you monitor and adjust how you feel.
Other words for perceptions are beliefs, attitudes, expectations, anticipations, assumptions, presumptions, perspectives, and conclusions. Every attraction and therefore result in your life is set into motion by Your Perceptions, starting with how you perceive yourself. You must start with how you feel and think about you, if you want to influence any vibration you transmit to the Law of Attraction for a desired outcome.
Listen to your self-talk and what you say about anyone and anything – because there ultimately is no separation between your perceptions about yourself and perceptions about anyone or anything else. It’s all connected. We are all connected, all one energy, but many expressions of it. And though we may not like it, we cannot perceive something outside ourselves that doesn’t exist, in some measure, within us – negative or positive. We can either judge our “mirrors” or we can further hone our Self identity because of what we observe.
Who you really are is a unique, individualized expression of and participating contributor to All That Is. You’re not your body, your bank balance, your wardrobe, your car, your home, your job, or any other physical representation. And it isn’t how these “look” that represents you or attracts manifestations, but HOW YOU FEEL about how they look that does. This feeling is what Law of Attraction picks up as orders to fill, and is why a state of appreciation is so important.
Your identity is intimately linked to your experiences. You are ever unfolding, evolving – choosing! Your experiences play a significant role in assisting or allowing you to define and clarify your identity. And how you perceive your identity plays a significant role in the choices you make. Your identity is NOT based on outcomes, as society would tell you, but on what you do about and with your experiences, how you grow from them and what you learn about yourself and your relationship with All That Is through them. Outcomes are manifestations of your inner processes that can show you if you’re on target or need to take better aim with your energy.
When you clothes shop, you know what’s you and what isn’t. Approach anything and everything the same way. You don’t have to know all of your preferences or defined aspects by tomorrow; in fact, that’s not how this physical experience is set up. You’re meant to discover preferences and identity aspects, including through contrasts, and to do so until the moment you exit your physical form.
The greatest treasure you can have is feeling good, including, or especially, about yourself. This affects how you feel about everyone and everything else. This is why it’s important that the first thing to realize about your identity is that you are a beloved expression of Source. Everything that follows that is just a path of exploration, discovery, and expression. If you feel you only partially know who you really are, admit that, at least to yourself, and start where you are about this, in this moment.
Get excited about what an adventure this can be, what an adventure it was always meant to be. Your personalized adventure is a main reason you came to this physical experience. Maybe it’s time to make the most of it. Maybe it’s time to let go of worrying about how others will see you and focus on how you choose to be in partnership with who you know yourself and discover yourself to be. Practice appreciating or honoring every facet of this adventure because there’s a treasure hidden inside each facet, flat surface, gap, twist, and curve.
Practice makes progress.
© Joyce Shafer
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