Do You Compare Yourself and Your Life to Others?

Do you ever compare where you are now in your life to where others are, or to where you thought you should be by this time? If you do, and don’t feel happy as a result, the comments here may help.

I have a friend who, when she set up a social site page and began to reconnect with long-lost friends, learned who was doing what now. She shared with me that temporary depression settled upon her, as she compared her life to the lives of some she connected with. I say “temporary” because she eventually realigned her true feelings about this. My friend is, in the main, happy in her life and has good reason to be.

Back in the day, others saw her as a leader, a person going places in her life. The reality is a health condition started nearly two decades ago and altered that predicted-by-others path for her. She felt she’d let everyone down because she wasn’t in a high-powered position or owned her own company, or whatever else she and they may have expected and as some of her friends experience.

We never know a person’s complete story, despite what their successes, or what seems to be lack of successes, appear to be. And sometimes, even when we know what’s not working in their lives, we still dwell on something they do have that we feel we lack. As for my friend, the muse later paid her a visit and she’s created an enterprise that connects donated used musical instruments with students who want to play an instrument but can’t afford one. This has energized her and her life in major ways, as well as benefits many others in the process. This is what she was meant to do and when she was meant to do it. But, everything had to line up for this moment, including her inner vibration and energy.

"The reason we struggle with insecurity is because we compare our behind-the-scenes with everyone else's highlight reel." Steve Furtick

Comparing ourselves to others has a not-so-funny way of making us forget to what measure we’re actually happy with where and who we are. No one lives a life without challenges or feeling a range of emotions; but we are often generally happier or more content, for the most part, than we recognize or our ego aspect allows us to recognize. Things changed for my friend when she became peaceful and happy with who she was and where she was in her life. That state of mind and being opened a door that was ready to be opened in her life.

As I thought about what I wanted to say to my friend, before she had her inner shift, an image came to mind and I share it with you here. Imagine you enter a magnificent hall. There is a table in the middle of the room and you walk up to it. There is only one thing on the table: a beautifully bound book with your name engraved on the cover. You open the book to the first page and find this written on it: Please answer this question in order to choose one of the following two options, and know that whichever one you choose will design the map of your life. Question: Do you choose to do and be what makes others happy and win their approval or do you choose to do and be what makes you happy and fulfilled?

I imagined posing these options to a child of age four. It seems easy to imagine a child choosing to be happy — because the child wouldn’t have a clue what the first option might take to succeed at it, but is, likely, darn sure she or he knows what “happy” is. As adults, and if we’re honest about it, we’ve learned how exhausting the first option can be; yet, we may still feel conflicted about choosing the second option because we’re indoctrinated by our families and every element of society to go for the first one.

“When I was 5 years old, my mother always told me that happiness was the key to life. When I went to school, they asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wrote down ‘happy’. They told me I didn’t understand the assignment, and I told them they didn’t understand life.” ― John Lennon

In my image, the page with that question appears periodically in the book so we can revisit this choice at different life stages in our life. However, it isn’t beyond imagination that this page appears in our life book whenever we think it’s time to consider our options again, especially when we feel we aren’t living an authentic life and, possibly, aren’t even sure what that means to us after years of disregarding it. It also appears at the end of certain chapters (and beginnings of new ones) in our life.

The pain of inner discontent drives us to seek external balms and remedies, to seek instant gratifications, which are usually just bandages covering emotional bruises or wounds that influence our authenticity and responsibilities to ourselves and our life. But these externals and the pursuit of or craving for them does not address what begs for nourishment inside of us. Whatever word(s) we use — secure, prosperous, successful, loved, and so on — we, ultimately, want to feel good, feel in harmony, about who we are. We’ve become confused about how we can arrive there after years of asking ourselves what others expect of us so we’re accepted and approved of, instead of what we want, need, and require for ourselves, our well-being, and our joy.

I recently read, “There are many types of success and they aren’t all about getting ahead.” To be consumed with external, tangible success, completely or more so than with inner, intangible success, smacks of “I’ll be happy when” thinking, feeling, and behaving. That kind of thinking, feeling, and behaving ignores present-moment happiness, which is a form of self-abuse practiced far too often by far too many of us. This is because it’s a program that was downloaded into us long ago, one that needs replacement with a better one.

We forget to count our successes that no one can measure but us, because we’re conditioned to focus on how others think we measure up. If we remembered to genuinely appreciate all our successes often, we’d feel a great deal happier, content, and fulfilled. We can also look at any area of our life we feel needs a positive shift and ask, “What can I do that I will do to allow me to do better than this?” It doesn’t have to be huge, just effective. Don’t talk about it; start where you are, and do something different or differently.

So, the question is: Do you choose to do and be what makes others happy and win their approval or do you choose to do and be what makes you happy? Like the four-year-old child, are you clear about what that overall feeling, as opposed to appearances, means to you? Maybe it’s time to ask yourself this and see what you learn. And, it’s okay to do this each day and especially at crossroad moments in your life. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.       

           

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Do You Possess Your Life or Do You Endure It?

Every day, each of us endures something, even if inconveniences of greater or lesser magnitude. If you find you face a challenge or situation you believe you can do nothing about, take possession of it, meaning take possession of how you relate to it.

Here is a partial line from a P.D. James novel: “. . . preserving always the same look of puzzled acceptance of a life which had to be endured rather than possessed.” Some endure much more than most of us will ever have to think about or ever want to. Do you endure your life (or any part of it) or possess it at this moment?

When you take possession of something, you take care of it and care for it; or, at least, that is the idea and responsibility underneath the concept of true possession. Yet, self-possession is not the message most people are given about their lives, their self-worth, or their personal happiness and fulfillment.

Do you feel you possess all aspects of your life? In order to do and be this way, you’d have to possess, that is take ownership of, your beliefs, feelings, thoughts, words, and actions, as well as your ability to shift into this owner mode when something rattles you out of harmony. However, please release the belief that you are “supposed” to stay in one emotional state of being at all times. That’s not possible for humans who are enriched with numerous emotions—for good reason. However, you do want to be able to regain your footing when your stumble.

To possess your life, you have to possess or own the choices you’ve made and the outcomes they’ve created up to this moment (preferably as life lessons rather than reasons to self-judge), and do this consistently as you continue forward in life. You have to decide if what you experience causes you to endure life or to live what you desire, “desire” meaning you deliberately choose how you wish to experience yourself and your moments, and from which chosen level of awareness.

Henry Ford said, "Don't find fault, find a remedy." Granted, though wise and accurate, that’s not how we always respond when our emotions are triggered. But, you can decide to take possession of what you choose to feel and do about whatever you feel you endure. When you do this, you are on your way to finding a remedy, first at the inner level, which may then resolve an outer level matter. I say “may resolve” because though the inner level experience is always a priority (because it is where YOU live), there are occasions when an outcome is an undesirable given and you have a responsibility to yourself to engage it in a way that supports you to have the highest level experience you can. This applies to those times when you find yourself in a scenario you believe you never would have chosen. But, what are you going to do with it? How and who will you choose to BE at such times? What is this experience attempting to teach you about yourself?

There are aspects of your life you wholly possess at this time and, possibly, others you endure. Look at each part you endure and ask yourself how you might possess it and what that means to and for you. On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “Not At All” and 10 being “Completely,” how much do you feel in possession of your life? What about how you choose to feel about your experiences? If, say, you’re at 6 for either of these, what would you be willing to do to make them an 8 or a 10, whether this is at the inner or outer level or both?

What might it feel and look like if you endure your life? What might it feel and look like if you possess it? Here’s a thought to play with: Let’s say you believe your outer life reflects your inner life (emotionally-charged thoughts and beliefs); or stated another way, your outer life (experiences and outcomes) are created by your inner beliefs and thoughts. Now think of the holodeck in the Star Trek programs. If you were using the holodeck and wanted to alter something (scenery, character, story/plot, etc.), which would be more genuinely effective: trying to change something in the hologram or altering the program/pattern in the computer to affect the hologram? A change attempted at the outer level is best started or ignited at the inner level. You know this, but do you always give it proper attention or realize its point-of-origin importance?

There’s a fast-food philosophy about change: It’s supposed to happen overnight or nearly that. If you gain an extra twenty pounds, you don’t do it overnight. Neither do you lose it overnight. And a crash weight-loss program may create a desired outcome, but it won’t last and it isn’t healthy. Nor have you taken possession of a healthier lifestyle. There is no philosophical difference between how you effectively approach weight loss for the body from “weight loss” for your thoughts and behaviors.

If you’re ready to wholly possess your life, start with understanding you have a right and responsibility to yourself to do this. Let go of the crash-diet approach and allow yourself to make choices about what supports you as you move forward one “pound” (aspect) at a time. Whatever you can and cannot alter, seek head-and-heart alignment about any choices you make about this, as well as pay attention to what you can learn about yourself so that you can adjust it, and you will keep yourself more on course than off  and enjoy and appreciate the journey more. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.       

           

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

What Are the Differences Between Soul Needs and Ego Needs?

We are souls in physical form and we have an ego that is meant to serve us in specific ways. Frustration happens when we get their needs confused (or ignore them) rather than have them work together.

Let's look at some ways to differentiate between ego needs and soul needs.

Ego serves us in ways that move us to take actions in our daily lives, actions meant to keep us alive and, ego hopes, thriving. Ego seeks to feel a certain way, often motivated by material and external demands that originate outside of or aside from our soul desires, and this need leads to good choices and not so good ones. It follows logic, and more often than not its own brand of logic that desires to avoid pain or discomfort at all times and at all costs, rather than conferring with our emotional heart. Ego speaks to us in ways like, "This has got to change! Now!" From ego, we may sometimes be forceful in striving for and achieving our aims. Ego does not always act from conscience: it wants what it wants when it wants it.

Soul does not respond to force. It recognizes that painful or unpleasant emotions are facets of all we are capable of feeling, like needed colors in a rainbow or the largest box of crayons. Soul knows we are always in flow at that higher level, that our experiences have specific and significant purposes for us; and its aim is for us to thrive as whole beings (body, mind, and spirit) within the bigger picture of life. It asks us to pay attention to everything we think, feel, say, and do or don't do. It asks us to seek what fulfillment means for us in all things and to listen to what our emotional heart tells us. Soul speaks to us through our emotional heart using intuition and positive and negative feelings. Negative feelings are as much a part of our soul-self's communication system as positive feelings are. Soul always acts from conscience and conscious awareness, and nudges us to strive to do the same.

Mainstream dissuades us from remembering that our emotional heart is another form of intelligence we possess (in fact, our truest form), one that knows us intimately, because it is us; whereas logic focuses on what the (usually fearful) ego wants. Ego wants to fill any void with whatever it believes will make it feel good or better as quickly as possible. Soul wants us to empty out what no longer belongs inside us (to heal our wounded selves) and to feel our way to what it is that truly needs to occupy that space that will allow us to express and be our true selves. What fills our ego’s needs may not fill our soul’s needs. What fills our soul’s needs eventually and inevitably takes care of our ego’s needs, most especially by calming them.

Ego believes power comes from winning, from creating and having positive experiences. Soul knows the Truth of our personal power and its true Source, and seeks to integrate our inner and outer power through learned wisdom into a desired collaboration between soul and ego as a way of life. Soul knows nothing is truly ever lacking (only a belief in lack or believing we deserve it gives lack “life”), and it strives to remind us of this through sadness, frustration, depression, serenity, and joyful appreciation . . . so that we seek the Truth and live from it.

Ego says, "Get rid of any negative feeling immediately." Soul says, "Be with your feelings in a gentle way so you can get quiet and hear my message." Ego pushes us to look outside ourselves to define who we are. Soul asks us to know ourselves and to fearlessly reveal who we are to others through our words and actions, our talents and abilities, our visions and goals. Ego says, "I don't love who I am, so I have to pretend to be what I believe will be acceptable." Soul says, "No pretense ever lasts. Be who you are and who you came here to be. Love yourself just as you are now and are becoming." Ego says, "Fake it till you make it." Soul says, "Start where you are and evolve and expand deliberately with unafraid honesty and integrity."

Ego wants emptiness filled in a hurry because it cannot tolerate it; it is disquieted by the unknown. Soul is not concerned with the unknown; it trusts Source and has the spirit of adventure and discovery. Soul knows that the fastest way to fill perceived emptiness is to allow emptiness, to surrender the ego’s needs about this when emptiness shows up, and appreciate whatever value, guidance, and inspiration it presents. Perceived emptiness is like dark matter in space: we can’t see it but it has its function or purpose for being there. Your soul knows that appreciation of what-is is always responded to with more to appreciate. Balance of soul and ego happens when we align our inner perspective with ego's ability to take action that's in our best interest and for our highest evolution as we take next steps on our personal path.

Explore how you can create collaboration and alignment between your ego and soul, with thriving and flourishing on all levels as their common goal for you, and see what gets created in you and your life from this. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.      

           

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

What Are Your Disconnects That Hold You Back?

Disconnects cause you to live from ego which focuses on fear, lack, emotional pain, upheavals, and frustrations. Disconnects occur in such a way that you don’t actually realize what happened and when.

Let’s start by saying you are never ever disconnected from Source: You can only perceive and believe that you are. I was looking at some areas of my own life when I realized I was living from the belief of disconnection from Source in those areas. A visual image came to me. If you saw the first movie in The Matrix trilogy, recall when Neo is being released from the pod. Recall how all the tubes snapped off their connection to his body one by one. It’s somewhat like that in my imaginings about our own disconnects, with an exception: I see us coming into this physical experience as beings with Source Energy glowing as a light from within outward, forming what you might call an energetic light field of love and support all around us. I see it as billions of delicate illuminated filament-like energy strands, so many that the light appears as solid. Each time something happens or we’re told something that doesn’t feel like Source Love to the ego we come here with to serve to protect us, one of those filaments disconnects from our energy field. It unplugs, but it doesn’t go far. It waits quite near us for us to reclaim it as ours.

Who knows how early in life disconnects actually start to happen: I don’t know and won’t attempt to guess as to whether this is before birth or only after. But for our purposes, let’s start after you were born. Those early years of our life are ones with which we have no ability to process thoughts and feelings: we simply feel. Our ego perceives correctly and incorrectly what happens based on how we feel rather than on accurate information: we don’t develop the ability to process information with logic for several years after we’re born. So, you cry and no one comes as fast as you’d like to tend to you. What we call abandonment and delay enters your ego aspect as one filament each for security and for flow disconnect. Your diaper needs changing and no one rushes to the task. A filament for ease of needs being met disconnects and the idea of struggle and being uncomfortable until someone else takes care of you gets filled in by ego.

You’re a little older now and want something but are told it’s too expensive or there’s no money for that. Filaments called self-worth, abundance, prosperity, and ease disconnect, and ego perceives non-deserving, lack, and another form of struggle, especially for money, as a result. You’re told you’re bad, as opposed to being told what you did was not a good thing or was inappropriate and why. Filaments of acceptance, self-worth, and unconditional love disconnect, and ego fills in those gaps with seeds of self-loathing, people-pleasing, and more abandonment fears.

You’re told or it’s demonstrated that the person or people you rely on and love don’t have time for you. Even if it was because your caregiver was overwhelmed with responsibilities rather than just not interested, filaments that have to do with support, love, and connection disconnect, and ego perceives more abandonment because ego now believes you are undeserving and not special enough for attention from those who are supposed to love and care about you most. You’re told “I don’t have time for your nonsense.” Filaments that say you have purpose and contribution and rights to speak up for yourself disconnect. Ego perceives that your efforts, ideas, or arguments on your behalf are invalid and worthless; that you are worth less.

You aren’t allowed to do something others are allowed to do, even if it’s considered a normal activity for a child, because your parent or guardian has a fearful mindset. Filaments about you, life, and the world being a relatively safe place disconnect, and ego fills in their places with a belief that you aren’t safe anywhere and even that you are not safe unless the parent or person or someone is there to make sure life is safe and risk-free for you.

You’re touched inappropriately or are sexually abused. Maybe you tell someone and aren’t believed or nothing is done to protect you even when you tell. Or maybe you don’t tell, because you were told you or someone you love would be harmed if you did. Filaments about being cared for, protected, and receiving appropriate treatment, as well as speaking up for or protecting yourself disconnect. Ego perceives you deserve abuse and inappropriate treatment; that secrets must be kept and negative experiences suppressed. Maybe verbal or physical forms of abuse, or both, occur. Filaments about safety, security, love, deserve, and so much more disconnect. Ego perceives that you deserve this treatment and even leads you to self-punish and practice self-sabotage in myriad ways, including when no one is around to do this “for” you.

If yelled at when your body is unwell, or perhaps plans get altered for your caregiver or others because you’re unwell and need extra attention, filaments of compassion, care, love, deserve, and well-being disconnect. Ego perceives that you don’t matter; that even your real needs don’t matter; that you take up space, time, and energy of others. Perhaps you’re talked at rather than with. Filaments of self-worth and self-esteem disconnect and beliefs that you have nothing worth sharing or contributing fill in those spaces.

You’re told you’re unattractive or physically flawed in some way. Filaments that support your true beauty and perfection, worth, and that you are an expression of Source disconnect. Ego perceives that you are unacceptable as you are and that you need to make up for this “personal failure” in other ways, whether that’s with specific actions (and people-pleasing) or folding up your personality like a telescope so that you’re seldom “seen” and heard.

The disconnects listed above, and much more, indicate a fragmented self results after numerous such experiences happen during childhood and over a lifetime. The ego takes over driving your life, choices, and what and who you attract into your life rather than you living from your true spiritual self and does this in proportion to how many disconnects still exist in ratio to how many connections are still in place or have been restored. And because the more you let ego run the show from its pain-filled and distrustful perspective, the more disconnects continue to happen. One of the reasons you can feel worse over time as an adult is because of this.

Your ego tells you the only way to feel better and have better experiences is to have control over who and what is outside of you rather than do needed inner work, which is another conflict if you feel you have no control. We think the instances that happened to us are our wounds, but it’s the result of un-restored disconnects that are the wounds, which only we can restore. The more disconnects you restore, the more Source energy flows into you. You add more light into the dark patches in your energy field, which causes more darkness to diminish.

What you need to know and remind yourself of is that these occurrences that led to disconnects were the opinions and actions of one or a few (also wounded) people during your childhood, but they were taken as truth and fact because you were likely not taught the Truth about Source and your connection with Source during your formative years. Because you believed the occurrences and people, and because those disconnects led to more disconnects, you now believe things about you that simply aren’t true. And because the Universe reflects back to us what we project from within, you get more of the same. What makes this difficult is that this happens subconsciously. No one would choose to feel about themselves the way that so many do.

Every event that causes you to experience more of the same is trying to get your attention onto disconnects and then onto those Truths about you, life, and Source that need to be plugged back in. It would likely be impossible for every child to go through their early years into adulthood without any disconnects happening; this could only happen if they were raised in an environment filled with only healthy, whole-minded others. As adults, we try to think our way out of this, which isn’t effective as we’d like, because this happens at a deeper level than the conscious one—it happens in our emotional body. Anything that happens in adulthood that matches what we came to believe as a result of our early-years disconnects, appears to us as facts of life and not reflections of what’s happening at our inner level—what we think about and feel often: fears, lack, low self-worth, etc.

The ego is part of our nature that is supposed to protect us so that we don’t walk in front of a bus and the like; but just as the child cannot use logic until a certain age, ego believes that living from fears and distrust of self, others, life, and Source will protect us, is the only way to protect us. A survival program based on ego’s perceptions and interpretations is running the show, but it makes us miserable, and we don’t know how to shift this to thrive rather than just survive. Part of this program is to show reruns in your mind to support what the ego wants you to believe. It’s painful. You end up reliving over and over all the things you want to get away from or let go of, but not just in your mind; you relive them in your emotions and your body, and as experiences. All of this causes us to aim at just being able to function as best we can rather than feel as good and as strong as we can and as Source means for us to feel.

All of this leads us to feel that we aren’t supported by life and Source, which is false. But life and Source cannot respond to us fully as long as we hold such a feeling and as long as we let ego hold the reins. In this way, we ourselves block our good from life and Source. Ego convinces us that we must attempt to control circumstances and others rather than flow with life and Source working through us and for us. We don’t feel connected with life and Source in the way we are designed and meant to, and this hurts. In Elizabeth George’s novel, For the Sake of Elena, she writes about a character named Penelope who has been making life-altering choices to appease others and is suffering on all levels because of it. This narrative line says a lot: “But until she learned to redefine herself, circumstances and not Penelope would do the deciding.” And as Guy Finley wrote, “Confusion is the distance between what you're being shown about yourself and your refusal to see the same.”

Suffering is the result of perceiving and believing in a lack of connection to Source and what this means as your true nature. In this inner place, we tend to not gravitate toward who and what will support us in life. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy or process. It is an illusion of disconnect. It’s the child in you trying to make life work rather than the adult you co-creating with Source.

It would be an interesting process for you to identify your own disconnects, not so that you dwell on them or go down Blame Lane, but so you see them for what they are and for what they are causing you to believe and act from. It’s a matter of noticing them in ways like, “I have this challenge with money. This means somewhere along the line, I’ve experienced disconnects that may involve deserving, receiving, worth, security, contribution, self-love, acceptance, that someone or something is my source, and who knows what else. But Source is my supply in and of all things, and Source’s resources are infinite and available to me at all times. What I need to do to heal and restore this is find the way that works for me to really feel this as the Truth and my truth.” It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.      

           

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Why the Way You Experience Life Is What It Is

Why is it that your efforts don’t ever seem to pan out as you’d like? Why does the same type of stuff happen to you repeatedly? Why can’t you get unstuck?

Each of those three questions is an important one, but especially why you can’t seem to get unstuck. Anyone who feels stuck in a life they desire to be different and improved contends with the fact of life in this physical-reality experience that how we experience life is a match to or reflection of our inner identity. Let’s go ahead and admit it: this just doesn’t feel good to know or accept. It’s easier to blame someone or circumstances. But that doesn’t create desired shifts, nor will it ever.

One of the popular practices promoted is to shift your thoughts to better ones. That can certainly be helpful and certainly aims you in a better direction than negative thoughts about you or others or circumstances ever could—which they can’t. There are times when that kind of positive-thought shifting feels easier and at other times feels nearly impossible. And, why doesn’t this always work or last as expected or desired?

Shifting thoughts, or using affirmations or visualizations, happens at the conscious level of mind. That’s all well and good—UNLESS—at the subconscious mind level, your inner identity is in direct contrast with what you use your conscious mind to try to convince your ego aspect is otherwise. You’ve got programs running deep, like an underground river, which means that’s where you need to paddle your boat if you’re going to move forward and find your way into the air and light.

It seems logical to then look at beliefs. You’ve possibly done exercises where you look at the beliefs you grew up with and absorbed from others about money, education, success, self-worth, your lovability, and so forth, and then rewrote them as better, more supportive belief statements. That’s a good practice, too. But why doesn’t that practice stick as well as expected either, if it hasn’t? It’s because the original beliefs became what you practiced for a very long time—they influenced your inner identity, and the new belief statements became your new verbal practices, but they don’t address your inner identity—what you believe you know about you as fact and truth, which is where you operate from at all times. And this is why you can get stuck here in belief statements, as well.

Maybe you try to convince yourself to believe in you because you weren’t taught to do that or because your value and worth and lovability were diminished by someone you trusted. But that was their practice, not the truth of you or about you. If—and when—you can truly see yourself as an expression of the God-Mind, you will realize that any thought you have about yourself that isn’t in alignment with that Truth can only be an illusion you practice. What makes the illusion feel real is that your inner identity gets matched in the physical realm to and with people and experiences—like moths to a flame. This is why any true and positive change or shift matches your inner identity at all times.

Your inner identity goes much deeper than the conscious level. It goes into the heart of what you believe about you and even deeper into what you believe about Source, God, God-Mind, One Consciousness, Universe—call it what you will. You may have said to yourself that you are an expression of the God-Mind and have a connection with God-Mind, and meant it or meant to mean it, but do you believe it as your inner identity, to the point where you know without doubt that it’s your Truth? It’s one thing to say it and another to believe it, know it, and live from it. If you’ve believed negative things about yourself for a lifetime, stepping into this Truth may or may not be as quick and easy for you as you’d like. But it’s doable, and it’s worth it so that you live and experience the true dignity of your existence.

If you can truly see and allow that you are an expression of the God-Mind, you will realize that absolutely nothing and no one is the source of your abundance, prosperity, well-being, worth, deservedness, lovability, and so on—no matter appearances—other than God-Mind, which is the only source, and your only Source, of everything. When you can begin to align with that as a fact of YOU and everything and everyone in creation, your inner identify can begin to realign with that Truth instead of the illusions you’ve believed. How you choose to feel about your experiences will shift. You will see your outer experiences begin to match or reflect your inner identity in ways that seem magical because of how fluid and natural they become. It’s possible that you’ve had moments where this was your experience. These were times when you connected with this Truth and experienced that connection as a feeling, a knowing. It’s a feeling like no other.

When your inner identity is aligned with this Truth, or as it begins to align with it, circumstances will become signposts that direct you onto a better path for you, rather than be viewed by your ego aspect as obstacles to beat your head against or be defeated by. And, you will no longer be able to tolerate some of the nonsense you currently tolerate from others or from yourself. I recently saw a quote that’s supposed to be Polish in its origins and is used when others want to pull you into their nonsense: “Not my circus. Not my monkeys.” You’ll also become aware that people who bring nonsense into your life, even serious types of nonsense, are letting you look into a necessary mirror to show you where and what your inner identity is reflecting outwardly and where and how it needs adjustment and realignment to the Truth of your divine nature.

You know your inner identity needs your attention when:

• You are present physically but are mentally focused on or in someone else’s business and life more than in or on your own. That’s a clear signal that you’re engaging victim mentality or are avoiding your own life and what may be needed to strengthen your inner identity, or that you’re doing both.
• Your sense of self and self-worth is diminished or lacking.
• Your energy for your life is lacking.
• You rely on others instead of yourself to cause you to feel good about you or to feel lovable and valuable. No one but you can heal the inner wounds that have influenced your expression of your inner identity.
• Even if loved by someone and or others, you still feel undeserving. This taints the love you give and causes you to fear giving and receiving love, as well.
• You live from your ego rather than your authentic self.
• Even though good things happen to and for you, you still feel empty and or undeserving.
• Compliments or praise make you feel uncomfortable rather than appreciated.
• You’re in a non-reciprocated intimate relationship (or any non-reciprocated relationship). You allow and accept less than you deserve from any and maybe all relationships, personal and professional.
• You allow yourself to accept blame for how consistently unhappy or angry someone else is.
• You allow verbal or physical abuse or apathy from someone or anyone, especially repeatedly.
• Most of your time and energy is spent putting out “fires”—yours or someone else’s—instead of creating something new that you’re enthusiastic about or on being focused on moving forward in your life.
• You use alcohol or other chemicals to escape or cope (long-term and frequent use, as opposed to occasional use).
• You ignore the “red flags” when you meet someone new, whether personally or professionally, and allow yourself to get hurt—again.
• You keep attracting the same types of non-supportive or emotionally unavailable or abusive people, whether in your personal or professional life or both.
• You people-please in an effort to receive approval, acceptance, and proof you are lovable and worthy.
• A person whom you know you shouldn’t be in any kind of relationship with keeps hooking you back in, including with “Let’s stay friends.” You’re addicted to the person—or rather, addicted to the chemicals that flood your body from the stress you experience with them or when you think about them, and your cells keep asking for hits of that particular “drug.”
• You’re addicted to stress and drama, which causes self-sabotage.
• An extreme form of this is when you’d rather not live than make necessary changes, mostly because you don’t realize it’s the condition your inner identity is in that’s contributing to your experiences—and that it doesn’t have to be this way. It’s not your physical life you want over but the cause of what hurts you that you want stopped. It won’t be anyone or anything that shifts in order for this to happen: it will be your inner identity that shifts, and you’ll be amazed at how wonderful this feels, because it is ultimately the true you that you seek and desire to be and express.

There are two significant ways to restore, realign, and re-enliven your inner identity: 1) Get clear on and in your relationship to and with Source and 2) love and encourage yourself from genuine (not egotistical) love and appreciation of and for you. Both of these, working together, can bring healing to emotional wounds that caused your inner identity to suffer. No affirmation, visualization, or positive thought can restore self-love. In fact, as well-intentioned and temporarily beneficial as these can be, they tend to remind you of what you believe you lack. Only your true willingness to love and appreciate yourself and your connection to Source can accomplish this restoration and replenishment. As a dialogue line in one of the Chronicles of Narnia movies said: “I’ve spent too long wanting what was taken from me, instead of what was given.” You’ve forgotten what Source gave you as your birthright—your heritage, as well as your personal power and your divine attributes to use while you’re here. This statement, borrowed in part from the bible, may help: I can do all things through SOURCE, which strengthens, supports, and supplies me through its Infinite Love and Resources.

You also want to stop putting your attention on what happened or happens that calls your inner identity into question and focus instead on why your soul aspect was or is willing to allow such experiences to happen, which was or still is to inspire you to heal childhood wounds that cause you to have the types of experiences you have as an adult, and to take responsibility for knowing and defining your true inner identity rather than let anyone else define it. If your inner identity needs redefining, please understand that this is one of the best, most loving things you can do for you. Others will benefit, but this is for you. It may also require some time and definitely intention, dedication, and—I’ll repeat—time, intention, and dedication to you and your right to an amazing life experience, whether the experiences are amazing or how you experience them feels amazing to you. Your inner identity didn’t shift from a divine expression of God-Mind to you believing it was less than that overnight. So it won’t necessarily shift back overnight either. But, you can do it, step by step, day by day, moment by moment. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.     

           

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Do You Practice Victim Mentality?

Do you ever practice or feel trapped in the practice of victim mentality? If so, it’s time to understand some of what’s going on so that you can muster the courage to shift this and live a healthier life.

Author Rebecca L. Norrington writes in her soon-to-be-published book, RealitySpirituality: The Truth About Happiness (April 2014), that even Superman had his kryptonite. She’s right. And there may be a larger number of us who are not immune to this feeling and practice of victim mentality than are immune, including those who are otherwise quite strong emotionally, mentally, and spiritually (in fact, it’s the strong ones who hang onto dysfunctional relationships longer, because they aren’t quitters). However, let’s keep victims of crimes out of this conversation and focus solely on those who live with a victim mentality in everyday life and what this means.

First of all, it means that when you practice victim mentality, there must be one or more oppressors (though one is enough, thank you) in your immediate vicinity and or farther afield who are more than ready and able to “assist” you with that experience. You can’t have one without the other. Now, either the oppressor does not have a victim mentality or does and has grasped the opportunity to become an oppressor of anyone who also has a victim mentality and therefore will put up with that treatment.   

Anyone with a long-held victim mentality more than likely grew up with at least one person who had some form of personality disorder in their midst, such as a narcissist, sociopath (though narcissists are sociopaths), or some other disorder, diagnosed and treated or not. The patterns of these behaviors and their effects became so familiar and ingrained (and “effective”) in childhood that those with a victim mentality continue to attract other narcissists (or those with other disorders) into their life—to help them to choose and learn how to release victim mentality taken on as a result of their early-years experience.

This article will focus on narcissism for a few reasons: 1) all of us express some of the characteristics from time to time (especially if we are or have been in a relationship of any kind with a narcissist), so we want to be aware of their expression forms; and 2) there are likely far more narcissists out there than known about since they typically don’t seek assistance or aren’t accurately diagnosed and treated (they are consummate actors who deflect attention from them onto others who they say are the “problem”), or end therapy early on, so can’t be accurately or approximately counted in statistics.

If you’re not familiar with narcissistic characteristics, here’s what is taken from Doreen Virtue’s book, Assertiveness for Earth Angels, which she obtained from the Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) that says a person who has this disorder has at least five of these characteristics.

1. A grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., the individual exaggerates achievements and talents and expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements).
2. A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
3. A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions).
4. A need for excessive admiration.
5. A sense of entitlement (i.e., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations); interpersonally exploitative (i.e., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends).
6. A lack of empathy (is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others).
7. Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her.
8. A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes.

Doreen also states that “A narcissist surrounds him- or herself with people who agree with him or her, and anyone who dares to raise questions will be removed. A narcissist is terribly insecure and jealous, and views people and animals as objects to stroke his or her ego.” This can be challenging behavior to be around for anyone. For an Earth Angel, it’s even more so because they see what’s really going on, but their spiritual, mental, and emotional aspects are to be nice and to play nice: they are genuinely kind and caring. These angels, or anyone whose nature is genuinely caring, is like nectar to a narcissist: narcissists, who feel emptiness of Self all the time, need to “feed” off of others’ energy continuously.

Melanie Tonia Evans finally removed herself from a relationship with a narcissist and reinvented herself and her life; and she makes it clear that her information applies to anyone who is a narcissist, not just a life partner or spouse. She also states that those with strong narcissistic tendencies can be helped, whereas those with severe narcissism cannot. In her online article titled “Narcissism Understood,” which I highly recommend you read, as well as her two free e-books, if you suspect or know you’re in a relationship of any kind with a narcissist, says, “A narcissist feels terrorized at the thought of vulnerability (being emotionally honest), and develops a pathological false self to guard the unresolved emotional wounds…. Have you loved a person who is never wrong, never sorry and believes it is always someone else’s fault? Have you ever experienced an individual who’s non-accountable for their behaviour and doesn’t learn despite the mayhem and pain they produce? Have you witnessed an individual who has no tolerance for the slightest criticism, even when given constructive advice....

“The most massive (and initially devastating) realisation that’s necessary to assimilate, in order to pull away and create authentic love, is that the narcissist is incapable of genuine love and empathy. His purpose for creating a love relationship is for two reasons. Firstly, to secure narcissistic supply (attention), and secondly, to have an outlet to project his internal pain and torture onto. Relationship partners who are hooked and ‘hang on’ make the perfect subjects to abuse…. Have you ever been in a relationship with an individual who demands your attention incessantly and becomes depressed, sulky and even full of rage if your attention goes elsewhere? This is one of the earliest warning signs of a narcissist. Please understand healthy adults do not behave in such a way.”

And here’s where anyone with a victim mentality comes in: “Compliant co-dependants believe in unconditional love. They will tolerate being damaged and feel sorry for the other person, yet in reality co-dependents are terrified about laying boundaries and taking control of their own lives. Boundary function is imperative protection against a narcissistic individual. Co-dependents love so much it hurts; whereas their self-development lies in learning to love themselves enough to stop the pain. When a co-dependent teams up with a narcissist (and many do) they will have their scant boundaries disintegrated and end up tolerating behaviour and abuse that they never thought they would. They will try again and again to prove their love, devotion and loyalty to the narcissist, all the way to their self-demise. Why is this exercise futile? Because the narcissists who cannot accept themselves (and have deep self-loathing) can’t accept love, intimacy and commitment from another, and are powerless to grant and sustain these commodities with another. It’s an impossibility to give inner resources that simply don’t exist…. Narcissists are angry children in adult bodies.” She added that narcissists detest those they fool and control; they detest everyone, especially themselves. You cannot win with a narcissist; you can only stop being an energy source for them. This is terribly sad to realize, but an important fact to be aware of.

If you have experienced victim mentality, or still do, you may have noticed that “opportunities” to confront this unresolved matter increase in energy and severity over time. It’s as though the Universe is asking you what it will take for you to pull yourself out of this mentality or how big of a “stick” will you have to be whacked with before you get angry enough to say, “Enough!” If you shift the pattern of victim in your mind to no-longer-a-victim, you’ll stop attracting such types to you. I’m not saying you’ll never bump into such types again, but if you do, you’ll be better able to recognize the signs early on and deal with them sooner and better, or know to walk away and not feel bad about it: You will have saved yourself years of agony and given yourself the chance to have a loving, fulfilled, and joyful life. You won’t get lost in feelings of inferiority or believe that you deserve such treatment. You don’t deserve it.

In Doreen’s book she talks about how Earth Angels don’t like conflict and confrontation—because that’s not their true nature. If you’re an Earth Angel, this is why you find yourself with a victim mentality: You don’t like to hurt anyone (it hurts you to do this) and you want everyone to be happy. But this can be carried too far, and at your expense (and a narcissist, or person with another disorder, will “eat you alive” until there’s nothing left, if you let it go that far). Two outcomes are feared by Earth Angels: Your suppressed anger and frustration will explode out of you one day and you’ll say or do things you can’t take back and know will make you feel un-angel-like or you’ll become apathetic (also un-angel-like), because you are exhausted on all levels. And soon you, just like anyone else, find yourself feeling miserable and unable to figure out what to do to “fix the other person,” which is not only impossible, but also not your job, and also entraps you in judgment, which is another mind-prison.

Maintaining the practice of victim mentality causes you to hold anger and depression in your energy field. You wear frustration like a heavy wool coat in summer. That energy has to go somewhere, and it will likely go into your body and manifest as some form of imbalance or illness: physical, mental, spiritual, or all three. The extreme of this is when someone practices victim mentality with themselves more than anyone else does it to them. To get into the frame of mind that starts you on the path out of victim mentality, you have to ask yourself some uncomfortable questions, such as: What do I really get out of this? Why do I believe I deserve this? Why do I hesitate to take care of myself in the right way, despite what anyone says or does, or might?

Doreen talks about being assertive, because anyone who practices victim mentality needs to practice assertiveness, not aggressiveness, which would only feed the narcissist as much as being silent. If you’ve been in a long-term relationship with someone who has a disorder, you may need extra, qualified assistance to get past victim mentality. Understand that it may take a while to clear yourself of the long-held toxic beliefs that have kept you in this mentality. But this is a learned mindset that you can unlearn. And, please keep in mind that victim mentality is really only a practice, because all of us are powerful expressions of the One Consciousness: Victim is not who we really are.

You have to get to the point where you are no longer willing to not speak up for yourself, but you also want to be as balanced and as objective as you possibly can. Find a way to say what you need to say to make your point, while causing as little emotional pain to yourself as possible; but don’t be afraid of the pain a person might choose to feel if you speak your truth with assertiveness and integrity. It’s to your benefit to do so. And in some instances, you may have to walk away from the relationship, although, Evans says no contact or modified contact is the only way to deal with a severe narcissist. Be clear about this: if you’re dealing with a narcissist (or some other disorder), any attempt to rationalize with them about better behavior is a form of feeding them: they’ve still got you dancing to their tune and giving them nearly all or all of your attention and life force.

To get out of victim mentality, you have to be done with being a doormat. This can be frightening, if not terrifying, in some situations. What helps is to realize you don’t have to do it all at once. You can do it in small steps, small steps of speaking up for yourself and or taking action on your behalf in an assertive way. If you tremble or can barely get your voice to work, say what you need to say or do what you need to do anyway. Establish and honor your boundaries. Each time you do this you’ll get stronger and stronger.

Victim mentality holds you back. There’s no way it can’t. You can’t be and live as your authentic self if you practice victim mentality. You can’t take necessary, calculated risks that take you higher and higher in life or into your purpose. You can’t feel whole and good, especially about yourself, when you practice victim mentality. You can’t be true to yourself or truly yourself with others. You may also give more mental and emotional attention to the oppressor(s) in your life than to you and your own life. This practice must shift, and you want to research the best ways to do this because it will be tempting to stay fixed in blame about the oppressor(s) or rehashing in your mind over and over what they’ve done, which is still not the focus and energy on your life and mind patterns that are needed.

Grasp the Truth that your worth is not dependent on anyone—it is a given as an expression of the One Consciousness that you are. You are especially not to believe what a narcissist or anyone with a disorder tells you about yourself: They’ll tell you negatives in order to keep you jumping and asking how high to jump next in order to satisfy them, which is impossible. Afraid or not, begin to speak up for yourself and or take right action. Begin to honor your right to be and to be treated appropriately, and to be in the company of those who demonstrate healthier behaviors and genuine love and caring. It’s the way to be your authentic self and express your true gift and divine light in the world. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.    

           

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Do You Have A Right to Be Happy?

There are some who believe it is unrealistic to be happy these days, much less to even focus on being happy. Are they right, or are they missing a significant point?

An article I wrote asking if we’re too busy to be happy received this (unaltered) comment from a reader: “no, I am too realistic to be happy! can you be happy, when Russia invades Ukraine? can you be you be happy, when all the world is put by Russia on a brink of another war? can you be happy, when you are lied to? can you? then, you are a philosopher, a saint or an alien to this Earth.”

I felt it was important to give genuine consideration to the commenter’s ultimate concern and his obvious frustration or upset. I wanted my reply to honor his feelings, and perhaps even assist him, if he’s open to this. So rather than send him a direct reply, especially since I believe his feelings may be shared by a number of people, and certainly by all of us at certain times in our lives, especially these days, I decided to do it this way. Maybe he’ll see this and read it as well.

Dear Commenter: Thank you for reading my article and sharing your honest thoughts and feelings about it. You brought up some valid points, which I’d like to respond to. The first thing I’d like to comment on is that I am not a philosopher. I do make an effort to consider and evaluate everything by using my whole brain—when I remind myself to do this for my and for the benefit of everyone involved (more on this in a bit). I’m not a saint, but I am spiritual-metaphysical, which helps to keep me balanced as often as possible, and sane, especially during times that seem to lack sanity or rationality.

About being an alien to Earth, the scientists and researchers who don’t mind bucking mainstream (controlled) science are willing to say that the evidence clearly indicates that none of us originated here, and that there is evidence of our DNA having been altered; and in fact, I recently heard someone on TV say that our DNA has altered by 7% from even 5,000 years ago. I’m not being facetious with this comment. This is the science that’s not being promoted to the public. We, and our history, appear to be so much more than mainstream would like us to believe.

Significant as the events you mentioned are, there are even more events happening, which fit on the scale from minor to severe, than many of us know about, want to know about, or are fearful to believe or imagine really goes on, or can hold in our minds, much less our hearts. Taking all of this into account, it can seem unrealistic to focus on our own happiness at such a time as now. It’s more than tempting to become overwhelmed by all that’s happening, but that can lead us even farther away from where we are meant to go, which is into higher consciousness and awareness, so that we can be better humans than we sometimes or currently are, and be more effective about addressing what’s going on and do so in the right way.

Perhaps it’s the word “happy” that you disagree with, and that’s understandable. Perhaps if you consider exchanging “happy” with “possessed of and motivated through greater conscious awareness,” that might feel better to you or seem more realistic (more on this in a bit, as well). Happy, after all, is just a word with as many meanings as there are individuals to perceive and experience that feeling. And as odd as it can seem to some of us, there are those who only feel truly alive when they are upset about something or with someone.

About being lied to: It’s helpful to us to remember there’s a great deal of information, misinformation (poorly interpreted information), and disinformation (deliberate confusion of information by making just enough of what’s shared true to get people to believe it or making just enough of what’s shared false to convince people to disbelieve it) out there. It all seems like chaos. I recently heard someone say there is no chaos, only a pattern that is not understood, like an ant making its way across a colorful carpet. To the ant, the colors may seem to have no rhyme or reason; but if the ant could look at the carpet from far enough above, it would see the colors form a pattern.

The reason why much of what’s happening is happening is being addressed by a number of reputable people, people who pay attention to the patterns most of us ignore or are unaware of or simply choose not to believe could be possible, despite evidence. By reputable, I mean these people’s efforts, experiences, and proven results as researchers over many years or decades have demonstrated that their information is worth giving real thought to; although, mainstream wants us to believe them to be insubstantial or delusional, as though a good deal of what’s going on isn’t crazy in itself. I offer this disclaimer, though: Do properly vet whoever’s information you check into. And, there is inner knowing within you about anything; and there are evidences all around you.

There are a number of things we can do to become better humans and to be more effectively part of the solution. We can start with the natural laws of the universe, which are not manmade, but are of the God Mind or One Consciousness that created everything in existence, or more precisely, thought everything into existence. The natural laws are these. The Law of Mentalism: Thoughts are formed before any manifestation, therefore, thoughts create things and conditions; The Law of Correspondence: The above is like or similar to the below, and the below is like or similar to the above—they mirror each other; The Law of Vibration: There is no non-motion or complete rest, everything moves, everything vibrates; The Law of Polarity: Everything has a dual nature, that is, has its pair of opposites, however, the opposites are identical in nature (e.g., temperature), but different in degree; The Law of Rhythm: Everything has its tides, its ascents and descents; The Law of Cause and Effect: Every cause has its effect; every effect has its cause; The Law of Gender: Everything and everyone has masculine and feminine principles; and then there’s The Unifying Principle that encompasses and binds the 7 Natural Laws together: CARE. It’s up to each of us to consider what each of the laws mean and how they operate within our lives. It’s up to each of us to examine how often we use or practice the unifying principle.

It’s up to each of us to understand how our brain works and how it’s supposed to serve us. We need to understand that the left brain is logistical, is the center of the ego or personality, and is where all thoughts about physical reality are addressed—from a limited perspective. We need to understand that the right brain is where our creativity, intuition, emotions, esoteric understanding and experiences happen and reveal themselves to us, and where we process thoughts about the non-physical aspects of existence—from a more expansive perspective. We need to understand that our pineal gland is there to balance thoughts between the left and right brains so that we don’t get stuck in one side or the other. Why do we need to understand this?

We can easily get stuck in the left brain, where lack is perceived and is where most of the people causing the problems in the world operate out of (the absence of heart is obvious, or should be). It’s where we process thoughts about all that’s going on in our lives and in the world around us, from a limited perspective. When we do this, we forget about the Truth of our spiritual natures, which reminds us or demonstrates to us, or can, who we really are and what we are really capable of. But neither is it helpful to get stuck in the right brain and take no positive or right action.

I’m not saying we should not be concerned about what’s going on—I certainly am. But I am saying that existing in negative energy, in any of its forms, is contributing to the very circumstances and events going on in our lives and the world today (reread the natural laws). What are our thoughts mostly about? We are focused on the effects rather than the causes, and we seem to be stuck in this loop. Whether we believe it or not or wish it weren’t so, we are an integral part of what is going on all around us.

We go along with choices, rules, and actions that make no sense or that harm us or others in some way. We go along with fighting each other rather than telling those who decide on or choose wars (for profit or control or whatever their own purpose is), often decided on before any reason is created and is then presented to the public to garner support, to go find a remote field where they can’t harm the rest of us and fight among themselves, because the rest of us choose to experience as much peace and harmony and mutual support as we can create for us and our world.

Krishnamurti said: “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society.” You can’t get people to ignore natural laws and the unifying principle of care unless you convince them they have reason to do so. This means fear, divisiveness, and outright animosity or hatred has to be instigated and promoted. Unfortunately, there are a large number of us who don’t question this enough, who buy into such promotions, often under various labels, and then do what’s expected of us or behave as is anticipated, rather than examine what matches natural law and the unifying principle of care and what doesn’t.

Ultimately, it goes beyond the question: Do we have a right to be happy or to focus on being so, especially these days. It’s actually more about being in a positive vibration as often as possible—because we are far more than this physical experience, even though we don’t often act like it and sometimes don’t even believe it. We are not as powerless as we tend to believe we are or have been taught to believe we are. If we want to shift anything, we have an obligation to put ourselves into a positive vibration as often as we can so that we alter what we can. We have an obligation to change our visualizations, actions, emotions, words, and thoughts to ones that create harmony and well-being for us individually, as well as humanity as a collective of individuals. You cannot improve anything by energizing it with negative energy. You can improve anything by restoring true balance, and true balance starts and ends within each one of us. That’s not my opinion, that’s natural law.

For me, moments of happiness—and happiness can be quiet and calm just as it can be exuberant—are a form of appreciation: to and for the One Consciousness; for the gift life is; for free will, as challenging as it can sometimes be to exercise it wisely and compassionately; for the ability to choose love or kindness over any form of hate or mean tendencies; for moments when spirit is put before ego; and so much more. Such moments remind us all who we are and how we can be; and possibly, hopefully, deter us from living from our baser nature aspects and instead choose to live with higher conscious awareness.

So, yes, Commenter, I can choose to be happy or rather feel moments of happiness and inner peace, even with all that’s going on. I feel it’s not just my responsibility but my duty to help hold a more loving vibration on this planet—especially now. This doesn’t mean I ignore what’s going on, but does mean I can apply my energy about it differently, from a more spiritual perspective, while I make my own type of contribution, which is writing what I do, and anything else I receive inspiration to do, including being an example whenever I can, especially when I can move myself out of ego and into love, compassion, and collaboration. To be and do otherwise is to become part of the problem rather than part of the solution. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.    

          

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer