What Are the Differences Between Soul Needs and Ego Needs?

We are souls in physical form and we have an ego that is meant to serve us in specific ways. Frustration happens when we get their needs confused (or ignore them) rather than have them work together.

Let's look at some ways to differentiate between ego needs and soul needs.

Ego serves us in ways that move us to take actions in our daily lives, actions meant to keep us alive and, ego hopes, thriving. Ego seeks to feel a certain way, often motivated by material and external demands that originate outside of or aside from our soul desires, and this need leads to good choices and not so good ones. It follows logic, and more often than not its own brand of logic that desires to avoid pain or discomfort at all times and at all costs, rather than conferring with our emotional heart. Ego speaks to us in ways like, "This has got to change! Now!" From ego, we may sometimes be forceful in striving for and achieving our aims. Ego does not always act from conscience: it wants what it wants when it wants it.

Soul does not respond to force. It recognizes that painful or unpleasant emotions are facets of all we are capable of feeling, like needed colors in a rainbow or the largest box of crayons. Soul knows we are always in flow at that higher level, that our experiences have specific and significant purposes for us; and its aim is for us to thrive as whole beings (body, mind, and spirit) within the bigger picture of life. It asks us to pay attention to everything we think, feel, say, and do or don't do. It asks us to seek what fulfillment means for us in all things and to listen to what our emotional heart tells us. Soul speaks to us through our emotional heart using intuition and positive and negative feelings. Negative feelings are as much a part of our soul-self's communication system as positive feelings are. Soul always acts from conscience and conscious awareness, and nudges us to strive to do the same.

Mainstream dissuades us from remembering that our emotional heart is another form of intelligence we possess (in fact, our truest form), one that knows us intimately, because it is us; whereas logic focuses on what the (usually fearful) ego wants. Ego wants to fill any void with whatever it believes will make it feel good or better as quickly as possible. Soul wants us to empty out what no longer belongs inside us (to heal our wounded selves) and to feel our way to what it is that truly needs to occupy that space that will allow us to express and be our true selves. What fills our ego’s needs may not fill our soul’s needs. What fills our soul’s needs eventually and inevitably takes care of our ego’s needs, most especially by calming them.

Ego believes power comes from winning, from creating and having positive experiences. Soul knows the Truth of our personal power and its true Source, and seeks to integrate our inner and outer power through learned wisdom into a desired collaboration between soul and ego as a way of life. Soul knows nothing is truly ever lacking (only a belief in lack or believing we deserve it gives lack “life”), and it strives to remind us of this through sadness, frustration, depression, serenity, and joyful appreciation . . . so that we seek the Truth and live from it.

Ego says, "Get rid of any negative feeling immediately." Soul says, "Be with your feelings in a gentle way so you can get quiet and hear my message." Ego pushes us to look outside ourselves to define who we are. Soul asks us to know ourselves and to fearlessly reveal who we are to others through our words and actions, our talents and abilities, our visions and goals. Ego says, "I don't love who I am, so I have to pretend to be what I believe will be acceptable." Soul says, "No pretense ever lasts. Be who you are and who you came here to be. Love yourself just as you are now and are becoming." Ego says, "Fake it till you make it." Soul says, "Start where you are and evolve and expand deliberately with unafraid honesty and integrity."

Ego wants emptiness filled in a hurry because it cannot tolerate it; it is disquieted by the unknown. Soul is not concerned with the unknown; it trusts Source and has the spirit of adventure and discovery. Soul knows that the fastest way to fill perceived emptiness is to allow emptiness, to surrender the ego’s needs about this when emptiness shows up, and appreciate whatever value, guidance, and inspiration it presents. Perceived emptiness is like dark matter in space: we can’t see it but it has its function or purpose for being there. Your soul knows that appreciation of what-is is always responded to with more to appreciate. Balance of soul and ego happens when we align our inner perspective with ego's ability to take action that's in our best interest and for our highest evolution as we take next steps on our personal path.

Explore how you can create collaboration and alignment between your ego and soul, with thriving and flourishing on all levels as their common goal for you, and see what gets created in you and your life from this. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.      

           

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Are Your Thoughts About Others from the Ego or the Heart?

When we choose to remember past moments, sometimes it’s the ego and sometimes it’s the heart that speaks. Which one speaks most often for and through you?

I was thinking about someone who has a tendency, or I should say an addiction, to consistently repeat or tell about unpleasant moments as (usually) her only conversation topics: “I remember when (this awful thing happened to me/this person did this awful thing to me)” or “Let me tell you about the latest unpleasant thing that happened (or what this person did/said to me).” This person has a steamer trunk filled with such topics, and more keep getting added in. I’m sure there are good memories in that trunk, but they don’t seem to rise to the surface as easily. In fact, it stopped her in her tracks one time when she was going through her list of unpleasant memories and I asked, “What is one of your favorite memories?” Once she was able to blink again, she said, “Why did you ask me that?” I told her I was just curious and would like to hear about one. It was the briefest she ever spoke about an experience; she did it in one brief sentence rather than her usual short or long story. This is an example of what happens to people when the ego, rather than the heart, is allowed to dominate, because the ego feeds on drama.

As I thought about this person’s tendency, I did what a lot of us do, which is I had an imaginary conversation with her where I suggested that what could be focused on was, “I remember when (this good thing happened, this person did this wonderful thing for me),” and so on, instead of the usual. And then I realized I was practicing exactly what the person practices. What an eye-opening reminder for me—yet again (sigh). It’s so easy to see what others do and miss the fact that we might do or are doing the very same thing, even if our version or justification for doing so appears to be different, at least, to us.

Following “I remember when” with good, touching, or funny stories shouldn’t be reserved for funerals. Stories told at funerals often recall acts of kindness or generosity the person did for them and or for others, funny moments shared with the person, the person’s best traits. And this happens despite anything else that occurred while the person was alive. I’m not saying this is always the case, but it does happen more often than not, or has in my experience. And if prior disputes or conflicts are mentioned, the tone of voice is usually softer; it and the words chosen wear the hue of compassion rather than animosity, or at least are spoken with the awareness that speaking ill of the deceased is frowned upon at such a time. Perhaps certain moments that originally irritated or angered the teller with the departed are now told with a tinge of humor. It’s amazing how many negative feelings carried for years about a person can be released or are when the person passes on. Maybe this is because the heart finally tells the ego to be quiet for a change, and forgiveness is allowed to release both individuals at that time, too late in some ways, but allowed.

In Doreen Virtue’s book, Assertiveness for Earth Angels, she has an interesting chapter called “Toxic Relationships: How to Recognize and Handle Them.” The toxic relationship types include Interrupting, Correcting, One-upmanship, Clingy Neediness, Stalking, Guilt-Tripping, Angerholism, Unreliability, Nosiness, Grumpiness, Accusatory Tendencies, Victimhood/Martyrdom, Controlling Behavior, Perpetual Clowning, Loudness, Substance Abuse, Lack of Boundaries, Name-Calling, Rudeness, Betrayal, Gossiping, One-sidedness, Drama Queen or King, Taking Advantage, Barbed Tongue, and Nonstop Talking. Phew! Look at those listings! I’ll bet that you, just as I, could readily assign those types to people you engage in relationships with or did. Would we also be as quick to list our name beside one or more of them, as behaviors we practice ourselves at times or more often?

One thing I know, based on experience—and it is all too easy to forget when we’re frustrated—is that practicing negative or judgmental thoughts about others, including when you’re not in their company, creates more of the same and serves to aggravate you even more. It stagnates or depletes your inner and physical energy, as well. It may satisfy the ego (temporarily) to engage thoughts and words in this way, but deep down, it doesn’t make us feel good at all. Not really. It also means that while we point one finger at another, three fingers point back at us.

It points out the fact that we have not addressed whatever issue we have with the person in a constructive and productive and peaceful way, if that’s possible—sometimes, it flat-out isn’t. Sometimes, you have to end a relationship with a person who practices one or more of those behavior types Doreen listed. Sometimes, it isn’t possible or realistic to end the relationship and keep your spiritual integrity intact at the same time, which means there’s an opportunity to learn about yourself and your potential for personal and spiritual growth that’s trying to step out of the shadows into the light.

The thing is that we tend to put our focus on others. What others do is what they do; it may be how they are, until they decide to change, if that ever happens. And they, as we, are here to learn their own lessons in their own way and in their own timing. When we observe or experience another’s behavior, it’s also an opportunity to look at ourselves. How do we feel about their behaviors and why do we feel that way? How do we feel about ourselves, and why? How do we respond or react? Is it with aggression, passivity, passive-aggression, people-pleasing, or assertiveness?

Assertiveness means we speak our truth and do so without getting snarky or outright mean or demeaning (or people-pleasing). Just as you don’t fight fire with fire (so to speak, since wildfires are sometimes fought with fire to contain them), ideally, you don’t address unpleasant behavior with more unpleasant behavior, as tempting to the ego as that might be. And if your truth is met with hostility, you can walk away (not stomp away), whether that’s until a better time to talk once both sides have calmed down enough so you can attempt better communication, or forever.

The rest of the time, check your thoughts and see how they’re running in your mind. It’s understandable, being the humans with egos that we are, that we’ll have thoughts come up about others or matters that irk us (trying to eliminate such thoughts completely is nearly impossible and may lead to self-judgment; choosing to shift into better thoughts is doable and a worthy practice). Sometimes those negative or judgmental thoughts are needed as part of the process used to gain greater understanding of or clarity about the dynamics involved and to figure out what we need to do or say. And sometimes we do need to talk to another about this so we (perhaps, finally) feel heard.

But we will benefit if we also look at ourselves in this process. Are we taking care of ourselves, and doing so with integrity? Are we communicating with integrity? What do we demonstrate or teach others by our own examples? How can we re-program ourselves to be better and healthier at the inner level if we practice old programs of complaining and blaming, and any of the behaviors listed, other than assertiveness, which is the only way to be authentic?

Deborah Tannen said, "Each person's life is lived as a series of conversations." We can begin to pay attention when we speak, as to whether our words come from the ego or from the heart. We can choose which one of those two we wish to give the greater voice to in our inner and outer experiences. We can think and share better thoughts about others while they’re still alive, or at least send them a silent blessing to find peace and joy within themselves, rather than entertain and feed the ego with negative thoughts about them. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.    

          

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Does Perfectionism Impede Your Life Experience?

Do you confuse being authentic or successful with being perfect? How’s that working for you so far, or for those you know who practice this?

Perfectionists believe their value or worth (especially self-worth) as individuals is arrived at by virtue of what they do perfectly or by being seen as perfect or always right, rather than by who they are at their core (like the rest of us) or what they can contribute. They may apply this philosophy to others, as well. When they or others don't perform to their standards—even if those standards are unrealistic, which perfectionism always is—they seldom, if ever, pause to ask what is working right, and why, and how they can expand this into areas that would benefit from improvements. (A perfectionist—and proud of it—boss I worked for once said he didn’t want to focus on what was working right, only on what was wrong. You can imagine how much fun he was to work with.)

A favorite thought or saying of someone affected by perfectionism might be: "If everyone would just do what they are supposed to, everything would be the way it is supposed to be," as though life has a strict blueprint to be followed by everyone. These types “should” on people quite often. We might wish this blueprint concept were so at times, both for ourselves and for those we interact with, so life could seem easier and clear-cut, but that’s just not the way it is.

Thinking this way is actually more about how the perfectionist feels about himself or herself than it is about the others they aim this thought at. I’ve even known perfectionists who believe others should be mind-readers so they know what the perfectionist expects, without having to be told. Sometimes, anticipating what another expects or needs works out or is a good idea, but most of the time, we’re a bit busy focusing on other things, including our own issues, desires, and needs. Mind-reading shouldn’t be a requirement placed on anyone.

During life empowerment coach training, we learned that all of us must start where we are, acknowledge what is in the moment, and then move forward from there. Over the course of our lives, most of us have witnessed scenarios where someone insisted on nothing less than perfection from themselves and others. Perhaps we've even done this, to some extent, ourselves. Not only is perfectionism not realistic, it isn’t a goal—really, it isn’t, though many try to make it so for themselves and others. If you practice perfectionism, how can you accept where you are right now in order to influence where you intend to go and how you will experience your journey along the way, in a manner that cuts out a lot of the frustration and stress perfectionism causes? And if you can’t accept and allow this about yourself, how can you practice compassion, understanding, support, and encouragement with others?

Perfectionists, in my experience at least, do not have a tendency to focus on conscious awareness or personal growth—or if they do, they feel their inner work is deep when it’s actually shallow. This is because they are too focused on being perceived as right and unflawed. What an exhausting and frustrating way to live, for the perfectionist and those they live or interact with. Someone who is always right or unflawed (or, rather, deeply craves to be seen as such so they can believe this about themselves) can’t afford to demonstrate a need to do the inner work. That would mean something was “wrong” with them. Their egos don’t set to that place on their life and personal development dial. There’s either growth or there’s stagnation: the choice is ours.

What would a person's experiences, and the world as a whole, look like if we understood that life is an ever-changing process and that we process life and influence our reality through the thoughts, feelings, and actions we choose each moment to accommodate the changes we encounter? People who strive for perfection often have difficulty making decisions and moving forward, or when they do make decisions or move forward, it isn’t as enjoyable or fulfilling for them as it might be—or, likely, for others involved. It's no wonder they have trouble doing so! Take a moment to think about their energy and where that energy is focused. It's all about the individual and their ego-aspect’s demanding needs. It's constrictive rather than creative and or collaborative. It’s about doing for the sake of approval, not Being for the sake of having a fulfilling life experience.

Empowerment comes from embracing the perfection inherent in what is seemingly imperfect, as well as the imperfection in what is seemingly perfect. Who cannot recall having an experience that appeared, at first, to be negative only to discover a valuable purpose in it or for it at some later time? Or maybe the opposite happened and what seemed ideal turned out not to be. Why did this realization happen, if it’s happened to you? Because you processed the experience at an inner and outer level, no matter how long it took for that to happen.

When we actively, consciously engage in process, we waste nothing that comes to us as an experience to help us expand conscious awareness and grow from there. Perfectionists are not interested in process, as a rule, because of what I mentioned earlier: it may mean there’s something about them they need to work on or balance, and that can be a too-painful realization for them.

Process allows us to discover more of what we can about ourselves in relation to everyone and every situation that enters our lives. It is our opportunity to decide how to move forward, how to grow. Perfectionism stops us where we stand, even if we appear to move forward in our outer lives. It is an illusion, and it traps and constricts us because the life experience is not authentic and flowing, but forced. Illusions eventually get revealed as what they are. You want a stronger inner foundation and outer experience than this.

Perfection has rigid rules and is, as I said, not realistic. Excellence, however, is doable, attainable, and realistic. Excellence allows for creative expression and for us to move forward to the next level as we move along in our lives. Perfectionists believe there is only one level: perfection, which is an enervating path to follow. Those who aim at excellence realize there’s always a next level to aim for and go to, that we do learn from missteps, which is an innovative and life-affirming path to follow.

Every moment and experience provides us with an opportunity to assess what we want to glean from it, how we want to use it, and how we can grow from it. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.       

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Happiness May Be As Simple As This

The primary cause of much, most, or all of our unhappiness is our demanding ego aspect. Once you understand what this means, you can do something about it, starting today.

Unhappiness may be as simple as this: If we’re angry, upset, discontent, bored, or frustrated, we’re allowing ego to run the show. Contradictions upset the ego aspect. What do I mean by contradictions? Ego wants life to be easy, but that isn’t always the case. Ego resists change it didn’t first approve of, but shift happens. Ego wants money to be easy and abundant, but it isn’t always like that. Ego wants perfect health and vitality, but that may not be the way it is. Ego wants fair weather so it can be comfortable, but it rains or snows or is hot and humid. Ego wants no problems, but challenges happen. It wants people to behave a certain way, but they don’t.

“The angry person is acutely sensitive to all they are owed by the world, and blind to all they have received,” said Jules Evans. This is what happens to the ego: It focuses on its demands and ignores, discounts, or forgets the blessings and gifts that have been received (in the moments when you’re appreciating blessings and gifts, you’re not doing ego). Ego leads to self-absorption (it’s all about me), which leads to regrets. I’ve got a few of those and still contend with this from time to time, but I’m getting better as I pay closer attention to this. Just know that the moment ego feels uncomfortable or insecure, it screams for what it wants, which means it’s likely screaming in our heads every or nearly every waking moment, unless we do something about this. I offer a few suggestions for your consideration further on.

Any contradiction to what ego wants will trigger negative emotions because the ego’s opinion is that nothing and no one should contradict what it wants. I know—unrealistic, isn’t it? And annoying. And we all experience this. What does this ultimately mean? It means that nearly all, if not all, of our emotional pain is self-inflicted. Ugh.

One thing that helps is to develop flexibility—become flexible about contradictions. I’ll give you an example from my life. This past weekend (Nov. 2013), my friend and I planned to do what we’ve been doing for several Saturdays: Visit my mother in the nursing home then have a leisurely lunch at one of our favorite places. Instead, we arrived to find my mother needed to go to the emergency room, her second trip to the E.R. in ten days. The ambulance took my mother to the hospital and we met her there. Fortunately, they easily found what the issue was and that it was simple to take care of, but we were there far longer than anticipated.

By 4:30, they said she could go home but the nursing home van couldn’t come for her; there were no available drivers—a first for all the E.R. and hospital stays we’ve had in less than a year. So they called the ambulance service to do the transport. We learned that even if an ambulance is almost to the hospital door, if they get an emergency call, that call becomes a priority (this happened twice as we waited). We waited from 4:30 until 8:30 that evening for a ride. My mother wasn’t happy. She was understandably exhausted; we all were. She was sorry she’d altered our plans for the day. I told her we have to be flexible in life or we’ll end up with two situations: the actual one and the one caused by our attitude about the situation.

There is a solution that can help you shift from being negatively affected by the often demanding, often inflexible ego aspect: Make your life a spiritual quest. In a spiritual quest, you practice flexibility on all levels; you practice passionate detachment so emotions stimulated by ego don’t run amok and steal your serenity, joy, and inner balance. You do this as often as you can re-mind yourself to do so. And you practice the two most important prayers you can ever say: 1) “Thank you;” and 2) “Please assist me to expand Perception.”

Heartfelt appreciation opens and expands your energy and inner power, and attracts resources you need and blessings you didn’t expect. Expanded Perception liberates you and raises your energy organically because you begin to struggle less and less with contradictions. Struggle is a result of ego running the show and running you ragged trying to appease it. The less you struggle with contradictions, the more the contradictions ease up in your life (you definitely ease up about them). And if they don’t ease up in quite the way you’d like, instead of resisting them, you consider them as part of your spiritual quest and look for why this might be. When contradictions happen, you’ll look for or feel for the most appropriate way to move yourself through them and beyond them, as well as what is and is not appropriate action for you to engage.

What if what happens in our lives, the contradictions large and small, are actually part of the quest we’re currently on, and not as random as they seem? What if they happen in order to nudge us to choose a spiritual quest instead of what we usually choose? The trick is that you have to want to shift this. You have to have a clear intention and commitment about turning your life into a spiritual quest rather than an ego-dominated tantrum or treasure hunt. The Universe awaits a clear sign from you that you’re serious about this. Once it gets that sign, you’ll begin to see it show up for you more and more, and in surprising ways. The Universe will not respond to your requests and needs until you get quiet and calm and trusting. Until then, you’re like a prickly cactus, and not even your Universal Helpers will approach you.

Pay attention to how society and media mislead you (your ego aspect) about what you should expect from life or what you have to have in order to feel about yourself and your life the way THEY say you should. You may have been convinced that fitting into the box they’ve said you must want to fit into or assigned you to fit into is the right way to go, but does it support your spiritual quest? If it doesn’t, agree to not fit. Stop some or most, or all, of the struggle the ego leads you into in order to fit into a mold designed for you by someone else. Forget the molds. The Universe doesn’t and never will have a mold with your name on it.

Create an expansive inner experience and you’ll find your outer experiences will start to catch up, but only in ways that are for your highest good and support your spiritual quest. For example: If a million dollars or more will actually support this, it’ll show up. If a million dollars or more will only cause your ego to get quiet for about five seconds before it starts yowling again, that’s not supportive of your quest. This goes for anything and everything your ego says it has to have. Or, you may get what your ego wants and still be miserable and ever-fearful of losing it. Forget what you’ve been told you must have or do. Forget what others have or are doing. Follow YOUR quest. Have your own adventure.

Happiness can be yours whenever you release ego’s demands on you that are based in fear and insecurity. Happiness can be yours when you become more flexible about inevitable contradictions. Happiness can be yours when you let go of resistance and embrace flow, which often requires you to be spontaneous and to trust the “How”—how what you desire will happen: You’ll know when you know. Happiness can be yours when you are able to stop using the labels “good” and “bad” about people and situations, as ego would have you do and say “It just is” and go from there, as your quest self would have you do. Happiness comes when you can really see what you’ve been doing and how you’ve been acting, when you can see how different this is from what you desire for yourself on your spiritual quest—and love yourself in spite of this, while you work on your energy and Perception. All of this can be an exit visa from the Assoholics Club that ego tends to create for members, a club we all visit or linger in at one time or another.

Another thing you can do to help you stop listening to the demands of ego to the same degree is to reserve using your logic for specific times, and tune into your feelings (not your emotions—that’s different), meaning your intuition, inner knowing, gut, head-and-heart alignment—whatever label works for you. Logic is ego’s playground more often than not. It’s what makes you turn cartwheels in place in life trying to make or force something to happen (to satisfy the ego) rather than sitting quietly for a while, asking for what you want, then waiting for the right answer or resource to connect with you, however it connects with you, whether that’s an insight, an overheard comment, a billboard, or any other creative means the Universe uses to reach or assist you.

Ego wants you to believe you’re an intellect in a body, but the quest will lead you to realize that you are Feeling expressing in physicality. No matter what you think, say, or do, it’s always, always about the feeling you have or desire to have. But please keep this in mind: ask for expanded Perception. Expanded Perception will get you through situations as you move forward on your spiritual quest. It’s the limited perception of ego that causes so much trouble in our lives and causes us to feel negative emotions so often.

Also know that the quest is not necessarily convenient; in fact, it often isn’t. This is why many start on their spiritual quest and either ditch it after a while or have lots of starts and stops. The quest asks you to deal with contradictions differently than you have, which pisses off the ego in a big way. It might even try to tell you that you (it) were happier before all this quest stuff. You weren’t, of course, or you never would have considered the quest to begin with, or you wouldn’t have read this far. Plus, if your ego tells you to feel special or holy for taking on the quest, you’ll go round and round the same ego mountain over and over.

Ego wants the quest to be easy. It can be, but at the inner level, once you start expanding your Perception and become more Flexible, and remember to say Thank You to the Universe for the gift of all your experiences. Yes, even the ones that make you uncomfortable. Everything and everyone can teach you something about yourself, and for the most part, you don’t have to pay for this “education”.

Your quest helps you build your spiritual muscles. If you continue to operate predominantly or solely from ego, your spiritual muscles continue to shrink, until life and you become lifeless and filled with irritations, and you feel there’s no way out but death, which ego usually isn’t so keen on either. But the more you trundle, flow, or stumble down the path of your quest, the more control you gain of your inner self. The more control you gain of your inner self, the less ego and others can control you. Paraphrasing one concentration camp prisoner’s comment: They can take everything from you but your attitude. Your attitude is part of your inner power. Your quest is your commitment to your inner power and self-governance, and reconnects or strengthens your connection to the Infinite you’re a part of. It’s the difference between happiness being a result of what happens to and for you that your ego likes or being able to choose happiness no matter what and whenever YOU choose it. 

As you can see, a true spiritual quest requires dedication from you to evolve beyond the control of the demanding ego. So, even when life or a situation is challenging, choose to look for the sign that says “Spiritual Quest This Way” and head toward it. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.      

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Would You Choose a Noble Life Or an Impressive One?

Are we too focused on impressing others? It can feel good to impress others, but sometimes it costs us. Is it always worth the cost?

One reason our ego-aspect exists is to provide and serve our self-preservation motivation, which is why ego wants what it wants when it wants it—sometimes with an at-any-cost energy underlying it. However, sometimes fear of consequences does come into play and ego hesitates or backs down, though likely complains about doing so. A desire to impress others is a form of self-preservation, as far as the ego-aspect is concerned. Someone self-actualized never worries about impressing others. They focus on maintaining personal integrity while building and living a fulfilling-for-them life.

Self-preservation at any cost is a program installed in each of us to help us stay safe and alive. But this program is why some of our thoughts aren’t nice ones or noble ones. We’re all subject to such thoughts. But we can override the program when and as appropriate to go beyond the ego-aspect’s wanting and move into head-and-heart alignment instead. I always appreciate the still, small voice of spiritual wisdom when it speaks from its intention and purpose to assist me into and to act from head-and-heart alignment. There are times, though, that my ego-aspect is speaking too loudly and I have to wait until I calm myself enough to hear a wiser voice.

Letting the ego-aspect rule can cause problems, if not misery, as in this example. Someone told me he’d asked for God’s answer about something. He used (or misused) his ego-aspect to “decide” what “what came next” had meant, rather than letting his spiritual aspect show him the bigger picture and truth, which resulted in chaos and emotional pain for all involved. He allowed his ego-aspect to guide him to impress his negative perspective upon others as though it was a fact. Since I know him, I know he tends to be swayed by his ego-aspect more often than his spirit one (though, sometimes he does listen to his spiritual aspect). The result is that head-and-heart alignment is seldom his experience, and he’s unhappy, and sometimes miserable, a good deal of the time.

Why does it seem that some don’t have this guiding voice assisting them or don’t listen to it, or that we sometimes ignore our own inner spiritual voice? Maybe it’s because we have to choose and then condition ourselves to repeatedly choose head-and-heart alignment, which is an act of giving our spiritual aspect more importance than our ego-aspect. It’s also more involved to do this than it is to follow ego: following ego requires little to no conscious thought, whereas aiming at head-and-heart alignment does. If we solely follow and act on ego-aspect’s wants, we may get what it wants, but are we at peace? Can we easily live with ourselves?

I recall paying my respects to Jim, a former school chum, at his mother’s wake. He was uncomfortable seeing schoolmates because he felt he had no personal story to impress us with, like career and assets, because for three years he’d given full-time care to his ailing then dying mother. I told him he had nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed about, that what he’d done was noble and that noble far outweighed impressive. I can still see how his body and energy relaxed and the expression of appreciation in his eyes when I said this to him.

I don’t, however, think that when any of us act in a noble fashion that we’re aware of it, just as Jim wasn’t. We simply believe we’re doing the right thing. None of us asks, “How can I be noble?” We do, though, look for or aim at doing the right thing. We all know it can be a challenge to feel certain what the right thing is at times, or we can be tricked by the ego-aspect about what the right thing is. As has been said, “The road to Hell is paved with good intentions.” It’s probably safe to say that if you can live with yourself and maintain your integrity as a result of your choices, you did the right thing or what felt appropriate for you that you had head-and-heart alignment with.

The ego-aspect often aims at “impressive”, meaning how we can impress others—or even impress our perspective on them; the spiritual-aspect can keep us in personal integrity and noble acts when required or needed. The word noble has many meanings. The one I refer to here is “having or showing high moral qualities or ideals, or greatness of character.” Impressive is impressive, but noble is even more so. And, noble acts don’t have to be big in nature, just demonstrate greatness of character or strength of character. A kindness at the right moment is a noble act.

Sometimes we find ourselves in Jim’s situation of impressive-to-others vs. noble, or some other form of this moment of choice. Ego wants to pull us in its preferred direction, but again, will we be at peace with our choices? Will we be able to live with or be at peace with the consequences of our choices? We want a “yes” to both questions and to find what gets us there, even if it means being discontent or uncomfortable at times while we work through things.

As I write this, it’s the week of September 11. Living in New York City at that time, it’s especially easy for me to recall being in Manhattan and my own experiences that day, as well as the stories of so many who chose a noble path (though this wasn’t their focus; doing the right thing was) to save and assist others, at the risk—and in a good number of instances, at the cost—of their own self-preservation. Disasters stun us, but the noble acts that arise from them speak to us at the core of our spiritual aspects. Noble acts of ours and others remind all of us of who we can be, or rather, who we really are underneath layers of beliefs that limit us or lead us astray.

Yes, it feels good to be impressive; it feels good and logical to self-preserve. But add integrity and even small noble acts that come from our spirit rather than our ego, and do this daily—well, that’s quite a formula for elevating our lives and the lives of others; and that IS impressive. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.                     

   

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Are You Engaged in Effort or Struggle?

When you feel disempowered, you engage in struggle. What’s the way back to personal strength and power when this happens?

Based on how you feel in your life right now, you know if it’s effort or struggle you’re engaging at this time. Here’s a bit more information to help you gain greater understanding about this.

Effort is what moves you forward mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, financially, and in all other ways. Effort means you take action as needed, either inner or outer or both, without trying to force results, all the while paying attention with your senses and intuition to the smaller and bigger pictures so you can make needed adjustments or alignments. Struggle indicates a lack of Self-understanding and an attachment to lack that creates yearning. It’s rife with negative emotion, and tries to force results.

Effort is natural, struggle is not. Effort performs best when a sufficient level of supportive organization is involved. Struggle breeds and results in chaos and overwhelm.

Effort involves a level of simplicity. You start where you are and expand in right timing, with appropriate-for-you actions you may adjust, add, or move beyond along the way. Struggle wants instant gratification; and if it gets it, wants even more. Effort feels honorable, struggle does not.

Effort helps us manage our energy in a way that supports and empowers us; struggle has us running amok at the inner level, always, and often at the outer level, as well. Effort liberates, struggle imprisons. Effort leads to fulfillment and may provide fulfillment while we make the effort. Struggle is a burdening ego need for self-indulgence on some level. Our frightened ego wants its cravings fed. Our spirit is fed from within and from our relationship with Source; and when we’re in this inner place, we feel guided and in flow about our efforts. We understand that trust is the way, the path.

People often believe their primary struggles are with issues about money, relationships, and careers. At the heart of any issue is the struggle for acceptance; yet, the only acceptance that really matters is you accepting yourself as an empowered spiritual being. Non-acceptance of Self reveals we’re operating from ego, even though we usually think it’s the other way around.

Nearly two decades ago (1996), Stuart Wilde wrote: “With the explosion of mass media and the information highway, glamour, hype, and showing off have replaced true worth.” If this statement was accurate then, and it was, just think about what this really means and in what ways this may have affected you consciously and subconsciously, particularly as this has only expanded since then. Think about how often you compare your true worth with what others do and with what they say is in their bank account and should be in yours. These days the money-equals-true worth philosophy is driving many individuals down a very bumpy Struggle Road that is a slippery slope for many.

Effort is what helps you fulfill your purpose and passion, and strengthens you in some way, whether that’s obvious to others or not; and, their opinion can’t concern you, as it’s your power involved. Money that results from such effort is an energetic exchange of appreciation derived at a deeper level. Money that results from struggle, if or when that actually happens, tends to adhere to another statement by Wilde: “Money doesn’t give you real strength; it just keeps you comfortable while you experience your dysfunction.”

Here’s one reason the pursuit for money, based on a desire to feel strong “once you have it,” may create struggle: Your spiritual self likely has a different target in mind for you; perhaps, an inner result is required before an outer one is delivered, like realizing your true strength is inside you. Money, power, or celebrity won’t cause the inner strength or personal power you hope it will. That has to come from within; and your spirit may be trying to communicate this to you by not fulfilling your disempowered ego’s desires… until you get this and begin to live it. No amount of Law of Attraction type practices can influence your infinite spirit to operate in a way that’s not in your favor or for your highest good. It wants you to know that your spiritual strength and personal power are what you are to rely on, and NOT on outer manifestations or others to affirm your true worth. And, it has infinite patience to wait for you to get on board.

We’ve gotten confused by hype. Granted some people who’ve made a name for themselves did so by letting go of struggle and moving into effort regarding their purpose, and continue to do so without hype. But hype causes those starting out or in the building phases of life or business, and definitely those engaged in any kind of struggle, to enter a competitive mindset. That is, they compare themselves, not to others (who they usually don’t personally know, not that that matters either), but to the hype. This might result in feeling superior, but it most often results in feeling inferior, which is false and a waste of personal power and an individual’s unique creativity and gifts.

If you’re on a path of passion and purpose, or just want to feel stronger where you are right now in your life, follow through with your inner and outer efforts and don’t compare yourself to anyone. Aim at results, but learn and grow by how you process your inner and outer experiences along the way to results. Understand the process is also filled with results, ones that feed and nurture you long after any goal is met.

Effort supports you to expand who you are, not what your frightened ego needs to feel secure. The ego’s purpose is to keep you alive. However, if you feel it wobble or quake, that’s a signal you’re believing something other than the Truth. This is the time to remind yourself that your true Self is eternal, immortal, universal, and infinite; and all that you are has beauty and strength. That feels solid rather than frenetic and fragmented. You won’t struggle when you feel solid. You’ll open to flow and feel guided about your efforts, including sometimes doing nothing until you know what to do, either of which you’ll do with calmer energy and trust in your personal evolutionary process.

If you’ve been or are engaged in struggle, the first thing you can do to shift this is get quiet and tune in to your inner strength. Stand in it. Let go of any beliefs you’ve absorbed from positive or negative hype, from anyone at any time in your life, and Stand In Your Strength, perhaps in silence, while you reconnect or deepen your connection with your true Self. Do this, and you build your personal power. Practice assessing whether what you feel, think, say, and do supports struggle or effort. Life doesn’t have to be a struggle if you supply appropriate effort to standing in your strength and strengthening your personal power before you apply any outward effort toward your life, purpose, and endeavors.

Practice makes progress.
© Joyce Shafer