What Does Being Authentic Really Mean?

Do you ever judge yourself as not being as authentic as you believe you should be? Do you know why you feel this way? Here’s something to think about.

I was reading about character vs. characterization in novel writing, and this led me to contemplate what it means to be authentic. When writers craft a novel, they need characters and need to develop the characters in a way that makes them feel real to readers. This means the writers have to know as much about the characters as possible, from eye color to habits to prime motivation in life. This is called characterization. Character is what is demonstrated when a character in a novel faces a challenge—shows their true colors, as the saying goes. It’s the stuff they’re made of, when push comes to shove. It’s the same for us.

It’s fairly easy to create a characterization, a presentation, of ourselves for others to see and believe: we can let them see whatever we prefer they see. With others, we can pay attention to what they say and do, and even what we intuit about them when we’re with them, which gives us more information beyond what we see. But all of this leads to the question: what is authenticity really about?

What if it’s really about how you feel about yourself, rather than what you say or do, or how you look? After all, any of us can at anytime say and do things that don’t feel authentic to us but we believe is what is expected of us, or dress a certain way, whether it feels natural or not. Do you believe that to be truly authentic, you have to spill every bean about yourself to everyone? Can you keep anything private or be discerning about who you share what with and still be authentic?

As I pondered these questions, I thought about the fact that the world is peopled with introverts and extroverts. People have traits of both, but in their individual quantities. Carolyn Gregoire wrote the following in an article for The Huffington Post: “As recently as 2010, the American Psychiatric Association even considered classifying “introverted personality” as a disorder by listing it in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5), a manual used to diagnose mental illness. But more and more introverts are speaking out about what it really means to be a ‘quiet’ type.” 

I admit that for a long time I believed that outgoing people (extroverts) were demonstrating the one and only way to be authentic; so, because I’m a more quiet type (80% introvert, according to an online test I took), I judged myself as not being as authentic as someone who says, or seems to say, whatever they feel like saying about anything, and to anyone, at any time. To all you introverts out there, if you’ve been feeling less authentic because you’re a more quiet type or because you feel a certain way and it clashes with what some believe is more “normal” or authentic (or commercially viable) behavior, you can relax and be yourself. You can gladly laugh at those online poster images that say things like “Introverts unite—in your separate homes.” You get the joke better than anyone.

Gregoire included a list of 23 signs of an introvert in her article, which I’m going to share here as well as some comments about extroverts. Keep in mind that some people you might call an extrovert may actually have a bit or a good bit of introvert in them, just as introverts have a bit or a good bit of extrovert in them. You may resonate more with some of what’s listed below than with others—we’re all composites when it comes to our personality. Here are the 23 signs (my comments are in parentheses):

1.     You find small talk incredibly cumbersome. (As an introvert, I’ll say that’s putting it mildly. Too much small talk can make introverts feel tired and annoyed—it’s like static on a radio to them. Introverts can and will engage in small talk, but it doesn’t take long for them to look for or wish for an exit. A number of aspects that follow can all be tied back into this one. Extroverts, however, will carry on conversations about anything and enjoy it well enough, if not a lot.)

2.     You go to parties -– but not to meet people. (Introverts, when they do go to parties, go to see people they know, to be with people who accept them as they are and they can be relaxed around. If they do connect with a new person in a real way, they’ll enjoy it. Extroverts tend to be “the more the merrier” types.)

3.     You often feel alone in a crowd. (Introverts don’t like crowds, or like them in small doses. They have to mentally prepare themselves for crowds. Again, extroverts tend to be “the more the merrier” types.)

4.     Networking makes you feel like a phony. (Introverts prefer deeper conversations that lead to real connection. They know it may take a lot of small talk first, to find someone who will engage in deeper conversations (see No. 1). And, yet again, extroverts tend to be “the more the merrier” types.)

5.     You've been called "too intense." (Introverts prefer deeper thoughts and conversations—they need them because that’s their nature. They’ll engage in lighter conversations, but only for so long. This doesn’t mean extroverts don’t enjoy deeper conversations, but they don’t fuel and feed many extroverts as they do introverts.)

6.     You're easily distracted. (This refers to an introvert being in an overly-stimulating environment, which stifles clear or deeper thought and engagement. Introverts may zone out in such situations, in order to conserve energy. Extroverts are comfortable in overly-stimulating environments; it fuels them.)

7.     Downtime doesn’t feel unproductive to you. (Downtime is a necessity for introverts. They need it to recharge their batteries and to stimulate their creativity. A whole day alone with a good book or some other downtime experience is like heaven to an introvert. Longer is even better. Extroverts tend to thrive on stimulation that comes from others and activities. They can take only so much alone time; introverts can take only so much social engagement.)

8.     Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those people afterwards. (For all the reasons listed above and below. Extroverts are eager to mingle.)

9.     When you get on the subway, you sit at the end of the bench -– not in the middle. (Or prefer end or back seats wherever you go—like in a theater, for fast getaways, if needed. Extroverts like to be in the mix.)

10. You start to shut down after you’ve been active for too long. (Introverts are often more sprinter types than marathoners, activity-wise. Extroverts have a different kind of energy reserve.)

11.  You're in a relationship with an extrovert. (Introverts like to sometimes ride the “waves” with an extrovert. Notice I said “sometimes.” That need for quiet, alone time is always there—an introvert can actually feel or become unwell if they don’t get enough of this. Extroverts may or may not understand this need, may or may not think it’s a strange way to be. Life is for living, is an extrovert’s motto. The introvert lives life, just from a more inward perspective.)

12.  You'd rather be an expert at one thing than try to do everything. (Introverts like to and need to focus. It’s more about how well they function and feel best than about what they do; though, they need to feel aligned with what they do. Extroverts are more outwardly adventurous. An experience, for its own sake, may be more important than alignment with it, for an extrovert.)

13.  You actively avoid any shows that might involve audience participation. (However if picked, an introvert might get into it, if the participation is brief enough. An extrovert might deliberately attend such a performance and even volunteer, vigorously.)

14.  You screen all your calls -- even from friends. (Sophia Dembling, author of "The Introvert's Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World," said, "To me, a ringing phone is like having somebody jump out of a closet and go 'BOO!'" Introverts prefer to be mentally and energetically ready for phone calls (see No. 1). Plus, when deep in thought, which is often, they don’t respond well to being disturbed. Extroverts love to engage anytime. It’s stimulation that feeds them.)

15.  You notice details that others don't. (Unless an introvert is distracted by an overly-stimulating environment, they notice details; and these can be physical ones, but often are inner ones, like emotional dynamics. Extroverts, like introverts, notice whatever they attune to, but it may be more about what someone says than why they say it.)

16.  You have a constantly running inner monologue. (Introverts tend to prefer to think before they speak; and as natural thinkers, they think and process thoughts all the time. Extroverts are more comfortable with speaking first and thinking about it later. They’re also more comfortable acting without thinking it through first. Both of these aspects are something introverts sometimes wish they were comfortable doing, but the fact is they aren’t. Both of these are things extroverts sometimes wish they hadn’t done, but it’s their nature.)

17.  You have low blood pressure. (A scientific study said introverts tend to have lower BP than extroverts do. This makes sense, since introverts look for deeper meanings and have all that quiet alone time to do it in. Extroverts are out there, living on the edge, for the most part. There’s going to be a certain amount of stress in that way of living.)

18.  You’ve been called an “old soul” -– since your 20s. (Again, introverts tend to prefer to think before they speak, which can seem like wisdom to others (sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t). Extroverts tend to be more in-the-moment types—the time is now, to speak and act, which is sometimes wise and sometimes isn’t.)

19.  You don't feel "high" from your surroundings (Like, say, at big parties. Extroverts respond to their environments differently than introverts—they align with the energy, while introverts look for what and who they are in true alignment with).

20. You look at the big picture. (Introverts tend to be okay with details and facts, but can also engage abstract concepts, as well. Some extroverts are, again, in-the-moment types. What’s happening in front of them is what’s happening. Introverts tend to look for the undercurrents and dynamics.)

21. You’ve been told to “come out of your shell.” (Introverts come out of their shells when they feel like it, thank you. But they keep their shells close by. Extroverts have shells, and sometimes they visit them.)

22. You’re a writer. (Some introverts find it easier to communicate through writing; plus, all that time alone to think charges up their creativity. This doesn’t mean extroverts don’t write, but the ones that do likely have enough introvert in them to support this. Many extroverts would prefer to speak than write. The alone-time it takes to write might be too much for them. They may prefer to dictate their writings and have someone else type them up.)

23. You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity. (Too much activity can stress and tire an introvert. They know how much socializing, work, and downtime works for them. Some extroverts have to wear themselves out before they realize it’s time, or past time, for downtime.)

We cannot all be the same, or some of us aren’t needed. We need extroverts to enliven life and moments and stimulate the energy so it doesn’t go stale. We need introverts to keep things real, to provide the bigger picture, and to calm things down. Life is like a musical composition: We need the notes (extroverts) and the rests between the notes (introverts). If a composition is all rests, there’s no music. If it’s all notes with no rests, there’s no pause to breathe, and performers and listeners alike will pass out or gasp for air. To those of you who are extroverts, thank you for what you offer to the world and to introverts who benefit from “just enough” excitement from time to time. To those of you who are introverts, did you notice how many of the 23 are about being authentic? So if you were comparing yourself to extroverts, as I was, stop it. Both are authentic. Both are needed.

I think it’s more important that you feel authentic than “appear” authentic to others so that you then perceive yourself as authentic. Authenticity comes from within, never from outside of you. Who are you comfortable being in your everyday life? Who are you—what is your true character or nature—when you face challenges? It’s okay to be who you are and it’s okay to discover who that is as life presents changes to and for you. It’s okay to share as much of your authentic self with others as you feel comfortable with; but be sure to share it with yourself. Know thyself. Love thyself. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.               

          

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce L. Shafer

You are welcome to use this article in your newsletter or on your blog/website as long as you use my complete bio with it.

Joyce L. Shafer is a Life Empowerment Coach dedicated to helping people feel, be, and live their true inner power. She’s author of “I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, But I Have Something to Say” and other books/e-books, and publishes a free weekly online newsletter that offers empowering articles. See all that’s offered by Joyce and on her site at http://stateofappreciation.weebly.com

Contentment: The Secret Sauce of Life

My dictionary offers a definition of content as having or showing no desire for something more or different. Hmm…Is that an accurate enough definition? I say no.

How content do you feel right now? How contented would you say most of the people you know are right now? How many truly contented people do you know? Maybe it takes more than one hand for you to count them on, but possibly not. So, the next question would have to be: what’s up with that; why is true contentment as rare as it is? To be contented is never to be confused with or mistaken as being resigned (reconciled) or acquiescent, which means to consent quietly without protest and without enthusiasm. So, what does it or might it mean to be content?

G. K. Chesterson wrote: “True contentment is a real, even an active, virtue—not only affirmative but creative. It is the power of getting out of any situation all there is in it. Being content with an attic ought not to mean being unable to move from it and resigned to living in it, it ought to mean appreciating all there is in such a situation.” I think it’s safe to say that Chesterson would agree with me about the dictionary definition: it doesn’t go far enough, because you can certainly be content and still desire, go for, and attain improvement simultaneously.

Contentment is a form of appreciation. Appreciation is the most “attractive” or magnetic energy you can emit to the Universe’s Reflected Back to You Manifestation Center. (“If the only prayer you ever say is ‘Thank you,’ it will be enough.”) One reason contentment is so rare is that we are bombarded with messages from all directions about what we should be, do, and have. Consider commercials: what is the main message of many if not most of them? “If you don’t have this, look like this, have access to this”—whatever “this” is they want to sell you on, “then you’re less than WE, and anyone else who goes along with us, think you should be; and you should believe you’re less too.” Yes, “they” sell a number of products and services that do benefit us and or meet a specific need, but what they mostly hook us into buying whatever they’re selling with, or longing to do so or be able to, is…envy.

If we use Chesterson’s attic premise, you can certainly want and choose to live elsewhere, but you don’t have to choose to be miserable until you move. It’s the same for anything. And, no amount of envy of what others have will provide a remedy, just more misery. The envy “they” (and “they” are a large and varied group) want you to buy into can lead to avarice, another form of misery; and “they” pretty it up by calling it economic opportunity: There’s a difference. “Flashy things” can be quite nice, but if you crave them because you believe you’ll feel you’re more or somehow whole once you have them, you affirm lack—not just of stuff but in Self; and that is the energy you emit and therefore attract with. If you chase flashy things for the same reason, you take detours from your true path. If the absence of them or even the having of them torments you in any way, your contentment is being stolen from you—by you.

How much is really enough for you? Who defines this for you? If it isn’t you and only you defining this, someone else is driving your life and contentment bus. I’m not saying no one needs a mansion, but how much house do most people really need? Who do they need it for? I’m not picking on houses—they are just an easy reference for this purpose. This applies to anything and everything that we convince ourselves that we need in order to be content, when we really don’t need it, especially if having it creates headaches rather than true contentment. What’s often happening in such situations is we want to end the discontent our envy causes in us; and for some, create envy in others about what we have—because we are not content within ourselves with ourselves. Contentment, like happiness, is an inner job and choice.

Contentment based in appreciation is a creative energy. Getting what’s there for you out of any circumstance you’re in takes creativity. If you’re bored with your life or bored in any particular moment, you are not contented, nor are you exercising your inherent creativity. And if you go in the opposite direction of contentment, you may find yourself in Greedland, or even Slothland—the land of the idle who complain but make no creative effort to create positive shift. Slothland is not the same as having moments or periods of repose, when you repossess any mental, physical, or emotional energy you’ve expended, in order to rebalance peace of mind and inner harmony, or recharge your inner batteries or heal.

Contentment leads to kindness and allows us to maximize moments and experiences because true contentment does not entertain envy. It understands that if something is truly needed or desired, there are creative, constructive, productive ways to accomplish or attain whatever is desired, from both the inner and outer levels. Contentment understands that mutually-beneficial is always and evermore a better, more desirable path and result; whereas envy is about one-upmanship, an ultimately lonely, usually frustrating road to travel or destination to stay in, even if there are others around you in that “club.” Admiration inspires, ignites, and creates; envy destroys and depletes.

I think true contentment feels like this favorite affirmation of mine: It’s not about what you can get from the flow, but that you get into the flow. (I get a delicious shiver every time I feel the Truth of that statement.) True contentment reflects the relationship we have with ourselves and especially with Source. It reflects the trust we have in ourselves and the One Source of all our strength, support, and supply as well as what that union can produce. Inner peace and serenity based on this trust is true contentment, no matter what is going on or isn’t in a moment in time.

We can be content and continue to create and improve as we go; we can be content with and while in this process. In this way, contentment is the secret sauce that makes life like a meal offered in courses, where each course is given the time and attention to be savored. Contentment born out of genuine appreciation adds flavor, texture, and richness to our life experience. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.                

         

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce L. Shafer

You are welcome to use this article in your newsletter or on your blog/website as long as you use my complete bio with it.

Joyce L. Shafer is a Life Empowerment Coach dedicated to helping people feel, be, and live their true inner power. She’s author of “I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, But I Have Something to Say” and other books/e-books, and publishes a free weekly online newsletter that offers empowering articles. See all that’s offered by Joyce and on her site at http://stateofappreciation.weebly.com

How Perfect Do You Believe You Have to Be?

Did anyone ever tell you, “If you’re not going to or can’t do it right, don’t do it at all”? That “advice” can be appropriate at times, but the rest of the time, it sets you up for self-sabotage and lack, actual or perceived.

Obviously, there are times when you hope that’s the motto of a person, and you expect them to abide by it, such as someone performing surgery or a medical procedure, or a hairdresser who’s to cut, color, or perm your hair. You want them to get it right, no question about it. So, excluding any specific, significant actions when this statement should apply, we’re left to consider how it applies to the rest of our experiences and actions. How does that statement work for those? Not always for our benefit, that’s for certain. Who can actually say what the absolute “right” way is in some instances or circumstances? The truth is that there isn’t always just one right way to do some things, but you can believe there is and flummox yourself (and others) with this belief. 

For example, I learned about oil pulling and decided to give it a try. (I like it, so still do it.) If you’re not familiar with this medicinal technique, you can look it up online; there are sites devoted to its benefits. But so you know enough about why the statement applies here, I’ll give a brief explanation. You put a teaspoon or so of coconut oil (or one of the other recommended oils) into your mouth upon waking, let it melt, and swish it around for 20 minutes then dispose of it properly. I told a friend about it and she was interested, as well.

When I spoke with her about this at a later time, she told me that it didn’t work for her to do oil pulling in the morning so she couldn’t do it. The way she explained this came across as her really wanting to do it, but she couldn’t do it the way it’s supposed to be done. I said, “Do it later in the day.” She was surprised at the idea, and thanked me for giving her permission to do this—“permission” was the word she used. We have the “fact” of authority figures heaped on us as children and teens. As adults, we are our own, best authority, or should be.

The fact is this: I didn’t give her permission; I suggested an alternate option. If she chose the option, she gave herself permission. Just as one blogger said if you can only do 10 minutes in the morning, do it and do 10 minutes in the afternoon to get the 20 minutes in. Sometimes, I have only 15 minutes, so do that. Better some benefit than none. There are some prescription medications that you have to adhere to a schedule about, and if you miss one, you have to do specific things—this isn’t like that. Many things are not like that. But when you’ve had “If you’re not going to or can’t do it right, don’t do it at all” drilled into you, as I know my friend (and many of us) had, the moment you can’t do something precisely as is recommended or is considered optimal, you might, as she did, believe that means you can’t or shouldn’t do whatever it is or some modification of it at all. Bah! Humbug!

I’ve had to modify my life in some measure, for a specific reason. And there have been times when an expert said or wrote that to accomplish a desired outcome, people (I) had or have to do XYZ in a specific way—and that way didn’t or doesn’t work for me. What to do, what to do? It’s empowering to relax the mind, ask Source for guidance, receive it, act on it, and get desired results. It’s empowering to create something that is appropriate for you and creates desired results. That’s how my first book got written after struggling with how to do it for two years. I stopped taking unproductive action (including suggestions of experts) and asked Source to show me the way. I halted every thought and action my ego-aspect suggested about the book (it had already used two years of my time and energy) and affirmed that I would KNOW, without doubt, the right way when it came to me. It took two months (I had to relax and release), but when the “how” came, it flowed into and through me, and the book was written in two months, writing for 30-45 minutes in the morning, 5 days a week.

Do what you can as best as you can with anything that doesn’t require the skill of a surgeon or the dosage of a medication or the precision of a soufflé. Get whatever benefits you can get by doing what you can do, when you can do it. Don’t let that “do it right or don’t do it at all” statement and or the people who abide by it for every single action act as party-poopers in and on your life. Let “Necessity is the mother of invention” be your motto. Be creative. Come up with options that work for you.

In the greater scheme of life, seldom is there only one absolute way to do some things. The arts demonstrate this all the time. There is no one way to paint, sculpt, compose, sing, play an instrument, dance, write, and so forth, about any creative endeavor. There are as many ways as there are individuals who do them. There may be aspects such creations have in common with their similar modes of expression and some basic rules that apply to each, but something unique to each creative person will emerge. At least, that’s what is desired by the individuals and those who appreciate their works and the arts.

When you let that “do it right or don’t do it at all” statement lead you by the nose about everything, you exist in restriction and lack. You block your creativity and abundance. Don’t do that. What works for one person may not work for you—and that’s OKAY! Find what works for you in every area, phase, and season of your life. It’s the only way to be and feel authentic. It’s the only way to discover and experience your unique expression and or offer it to others. Appropriate-for-you options lead you to learn or discover something you otherwise might not have or to create something you otherwise might not have, something that may benefit others as well as you. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.               

         

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce L. Shafer

You are welcome to use this article in your newsletter or on your blog/website as long as you use my complete bio with it.

Joyce L. Shafer is a Life Empowerment Coach dedicated to helping people feel, be, and live their true inner power. She’s author of “I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, But I Have Something to Say” and other books/e-books, and publishes a free weekly online newsletter that offers empowering articles. See all that’s offered by Joyce and on her site at http://stateofappreciation.weebly.com

Is Self Esteem an Issue for You?

Are you a member of the Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth Club? What you’re about to read may inspire you to cancel your membership.

One of the times you feel low self-esteem and self-worth is when you’re around someone you believe, according to your perception, has more going for them than you have, whatever that is… money, success, a relationship, more stuff, etc. I say “perception” because no one has a perfect life or does everything perfectly all the time. But, people with self-esteem and self-worth issues may imagine this to be a fact about others, when it isn’t. Another time is when you’re around authority figures, which also gets addressed.

What happens when you’re with those people? Are you your authentic shining self, or do you sit quietly and try not to take up too much space? What’s this about, anyway?

When you doubt your self-worth, you’re afraid to be yourself, especially around people in authority or are successful, real or perceived.

Maybe you’ve noticed that when you’re with friends who know the real you—and still love you (grin)—that you can be who you are and do so with ease. Put you in the same room with a person you feel intimidated by, for whatever reason—a professional or personal acquaintance, or family member—and, what happens to you? The real YOU, likely, goes into hiding.

I think it was Ram Dass who said, “If you want to know how enlightened you are, spend a week with your parents.” If someone as highly regarded as Ram Dass can recognize this truth (or whichever wise person said it), then we can ease up on ourselves, don’t you think?

Tony Robbins had Beverly Kingsley join him on stage to talk about her weight issue. Progress was being made when Tony asked her why she now knew she had true value and worth. Beverly’s answer: “Because God doesn’t make junk.”

That’s about the most straight-forward response any of us could ever hear. We can cause human creations to perceive themselves as junk goods, but no creation starts out feeling that way—including, or especially, you… no matter what anyone told you or tried to convince you about YOU that is different from this truth.

It is unfortunate that people who were caused to feel low self-esteem and self-worth passed it on or inflicted it on you and others. But, even if they admit they did what they did, it won’t change the internal programs you’re running about this. You have to do that.

The next time you feel unworthy or intimidated when around one or more people, consider using these tips:
• Remind yourself that Source doesn’t make junk.
• Take a deep breath, or a few, and straighten your posture, whether you’re sitting or standing. It’s pretty difficult to feel like you’re less when you deliberately take up a bit more space (meaning, avoid folding your body inward, as though you need to protect it or close up like a telescope). Let your arms rest naturally on armrests of a chair, or find whatever posture feels natural but uses more of the air space around you (and repeat the first tip to yourself).
• Remind yourself that anything other than the truth of your uniqueness and unique contribution to life (whether you know what this is or not) is a lie. And, the most important person who needs to know this is you. This includes honoring your efforts about any aspect of your life you’re currently in the act of improving now.
• If you feel anxious in the presence of people who stir up such feelings, focus on being interested rather than interesting. 1) You’ll learn things; 2) it takes the pressure off of you to do anything other than ask good questions; and 3) it’ll make others happy to talk about themselves. If you really don’t like the person and it’s your choice to be around them, give thought to why you choose to be in their company. Vote with your feet, whenever you can or need to.
• If someone is a genuine problem to be with—abusive in any way, including verbally, please know that you don’t have to be around such people. Never endanger yourself, but do keep in mind that some people are actually bullies without bite. You may find that if you stand up to them, they back down. If they don’t, you want to give thought to continuing the relationship or not.

These are quick-fixes, though they can have lasting, positive effects on you, if you put them into practice. A more lasting “fix” requires you to reach the point where your opinion about you is the one that matters most. And, this is the most important point to keep in mind: If you chose to NOT think thoughts that “nurture” low self-esteem and self-worth, who and how would you BE? Someone may have planted the seed, but we are the ones who decide to feed it or weed it.

Practice makes progress.