What Am I Meant to Do in This Life?

Life Purpose: It’s a topic on the minds of many. It’s a question (and an industry) that’s like the siren’s song, luring us into its depths. What is this yearning really about?

I don’t think the question of life purpose is as deep as we make it out to be. I think what drives the question, frustrates, and confuses us about this is more about how we want to feel about ourselves than anything else, but we seem to miss that target more than we aim at and hit it. I think this is because we don’t know that it’s a real and worthy target. Nor do we want to feel guilty about or uncomfortable with our choices regarding this matter. Often, we convince ourselves there’s only One Right Choice, which scares the hell out of us. This choice isn’t supposed to be like choosing the red pill or the blue pill in The Matrix movie.

What led me to this topic was a thought process I was entertaining myself with, wondering why some people are more compelled to explore and move toward and into spiritual realization and some are more compelled toward financial and assets gain (legally or illegally attained), with little to no focus on spirituality. Is one path better or more valid than the other? I don’t have the wisdom of Source, so won’t even attempt to answer that question. In fact, it may be a useless question, like “why” often is. However, I have some thoughts about this that I’m comfortable sharing.

We know that one of the Universal Laws is Polarity. This means that everything has a duality about it, has its pair of opposites that are identical in nature but different in degree (e.g., hot and cold are polarities of temperature). The Law of Polarity is a mutable law, which means whatever goes on can be transcended. For example, there are positive and negative thoughts, but both are thoughts, and either of them can be shifted. If things are not going well, you can shift your thoughts so that you aren’t overwhelmed by your negative thoughts and can affirm Truths that lift you up. If things are going well, you can sabotage yourself with negative thinking. Polarity keeps momentum going so that stagnation doesn’t occur. We are meant to be stimulated into inner and or outer action by the polarities we experience.

Back to life purpose or what we’re meant to do in this life. What if your driving question is how to attain more money and stuff, and the spirituality aspect takes a backseat or isn’t even in the car? It’s possible you’re attuned to having a primarily physical-material experience in this lifetime—for your own soul’s purposes, whatever they may be. If this is your path, this driving force in your life is but a line on the abundance-prosperity polarity graph. Maybe it’s extreme for you and you must become or do become a millionaire or billionaire. Maybe it’s moderate. Maybe it’s low, at the other end of the spectrum. Perhaps along the way, or in your more mature years, your spiritual aspect quietly nudges you to ask how you, in your physical-material mindset, can contribute to your life and the lives of others, and how you (and maybe others) can evolve as a result. After all, you could be a generous, caring billionaire who does numerous large and small truly good works from the heart, and never consciously or deliberately entertain a spirituality-related thought in this lifetime.

What if your driving question is about how you can contribute to your life and the lives of others as well as have a deeply spiritual experience in a physical-material environment? This may lead you to shift back and forth between figuring out how to exist and evolve in both, for your own soul’s purposes. You may find yourself on the extreme end of this measuring stick and be the person who meditates in a cave and relies on others to bring food, water, and other supplies to you. Or you may feel that trying to do both materiality and spirituality creates contradictions within you—because you question the importance of doing what helps sustain you and your life versus pursuing or attaining spiritual realization. Your question about this may block the balance you can experience so that you have all you need in both areas. We see it all the time: the spirituality-based person who struggles to sustain his or her life. Not only is their struggle an inner one, but an outer one as well: there are people who question why such people charge for their services, and believe the services should be free or nominal because they are spiritual in nature. However, no one argues about fees with a plumber when they need one.

You might assess the two “paths” above as polarities, but both contribute to our unified experiences of life. We cannot all sit in caves, figuratively and or literally speaking. We cannot all focus solely on tangible and financial assets. Both materiality and spirituality are needed for life to flourish. Whichever one of these polarity paths you fit into at this time, we are all meant to process experiences and evolve in some measure as a result of them.

It’s up to each of us to figure out how we will express ourselves while here. And this may be in one way or a number of ways. But it is about what we enjoy, what we are good at, what we are interested in, short-term and or long-term, and what and how we contribute to a few or the many. And what we contribute may be in some large or grand way or through numerous small kindnesses that ripple outward in a returns-to-you and a pay-it-forward sort of way.

I’ve had a number of incarnations in this lifetime. I started out as a singer, winning awards and scholarships, and training for the opera. Then amid other make-a-living-based and life experiences, I became an artist in three mediums and did 600 pieces of art in 5 years. There were gallery showings with awards and where all my art sold, individual and corporate commissions, retail shops with sales, and a few individuals who collected my work. Then I got into writing and editing, with a stretch as a life empowerment coach thrown into the middle of this. These days, I balance my place in that second description above (physical-spiritual) by writing my weekly articles—like the one you’re reading now—and include them in my weekly newsletter that also highlights the spirituality-based works of guest experts each week. But the other thing I do, which helps sustain my life and my passion for words and the tapestries they weave, is services for writers, especially new writers. This work drives my bus! Simultaneous to this, I’m always increasing, expanding, and evolving my spiritual solidity and spiritual realization, which also drives my bus. I no longer question which one is to have more importance (I used to do that). I’ve landed in the flowering field of whole-beingness: Everything I do contributes something, in some way, to me and to others. I grasp the importance of both materiality and spirituality for this experience I’m having, just as one coin has two sides. I’ve become keenly aware that I cannot do one without affecting or influencing the other.

I share some of my own story so you can see that you can follow your path in your own way. You are meant to. Your path can lead you until the moment you’re ready to lead yourself and choose what it is you wish to do that fulfills you on all levels or on as many levels as possible for the moment or for a lifetime. What you are meant to do is find your bliss, as Joseph Campbell said. Only you know or can determine what that is. And it may not be in one way only. What you’re meant to do—your life purpose—is a feeling, not an action or a thing or a person. Find your feeling. It’s your song, your dance, your life. And it will influence whatever you choose to do and how you choose to express it.

One line of dialogue said by Professor Dumbledore to Harry Potter that always speaks to me is this: “It is not our abilities that show who we are, but our choices.” You can have stellar skills, talents, and abilities and waste them or be too afraid to explore and demonstrate them for your benefit and or the benefit of others. You can be great at what you do and also be an assoholic. You can do one thing or a number of things well that provides enough income to keep you surviving or thriving and also be a person others love, respect, trust, rely on, and want the company of. You can show people what you can do and you can show people who you are. Your choices will do that by default, anyway.

Rather than wondering so much about what you should be doing or showing others what you can do so you earn approval, focus more on who you want to be and show yourself, as well as others, who you really are. And if you make or have made choices you wish you hadn’t or regret, forgive yourself; decide to choose a better way if ever faced with a similar choice. You always have the choice to do and be better.

Stephen Covey said, "But until a person can say deeply and honestly, “I am what I am today because of the choices I made yesterday,” that person cannot say, "I choose otherwise." What we are meant to do in this life is makes choices, preferably conscious ones rather than reactive ones; though, we usually (hopefully) realize at some point that this is part of our path we are here to travel. We can makes choices that support us or seemingly don’t. I say seemingly don’t, because sometimes you get where you’re going by traveling a back road rather than a superhighway. We can make choices that contribute to one or many others, or choices that detract. Choose to contribute in ways appropriate for you and for others. Sometimes what this means to you requires you to figure it out for yourself, but it’s a terrific form of GPS for a more satisfying life.

Choices are stepping stones on our path of experiences. The ones we choose to step on determine our destination. Whatever we choose, we live with the consequences or desired results of our choices. You might say that what you are meant to do is choose who you wish to be and be who you are meant to be, for your own purposes and based on how you intend to feel about yourself and your life, so that you align your choices with that. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.                   

          

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce L. Shafer

You are welcome to use this article in your newsletter or on your blog/website as long as you use my complete bio with it.

Joyce L. Shafer is a Life Empowerment Coach dedicated to helping people feel, be, and live their true inner power. She’s author of “I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, But I Have Something to Say” and other books/e-books, and publishes a free weekly online newsletter that offers empowering articles. See all that’s offered by Joyce and on her site at http://stateofappreciation.weebly.com

What to Do When Affirmations Don’t Cut It

Sometimes affirmations seem like the best thing to do, and then they don’t. Nor do they always quiet that annoying negative voice in the mind; but there’s something that does.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I get really excited about one or more new affirmations. This is usually when my energy connection to Source hasn’t been supported by me as fully as it might have been and I’m feeling low or skittish or truly out of balance. I’ll work with the affirmations that make me feel better—for a while—then I notice I begin to alter the wording. This is natural and should be expected: we all start somewhere then progress from there, so of course the wording that worked at the beginning may need to be adjusted as we move forward and evolve.

However, I may also reach the point where doing the affirmations may start to feel as though I’m trying to convince myself they’re true in my life, or that I’m asking Source for what the affirmation affirms and that my asking is tinged with worry and doubt. Energetic hiccups happen when I attempt to say an affirmation I don’t absolutely resonate with or believe as 100% true in my own regard; not in regard to Source, of course.

I recently felt such awareness regarding the affirmations I was using each morning from Catherine Ponder’s book, The Secret of Unlimited Prosperity. They were all good statements that apply to many life areas, but even at the start, I had to alter some of the words so they worked for me. I still highly recommend the book, for lots of reasons; but I reached a personal realization and had to do something about it.

There is one particular thing she wrote that always gets and holds my attention: “Realization precedes manifestation. A realization of Truth will banish every ill, and the prayer through which realization comes is the prayer that asserts the truth.” My dictionary defines realize as, among other definitions: to make real; to understand fully. This made me look at that first sentence in a certain way. A realization can be a thought belief (to make real in the mind, even if it isn’t) or true faith (to fully understand, know), and the two are not the same thing, to my way of thinking.

Realization precedes manifestation. Thoughts create experiences. How often it has been my experience to either believe something (a thought I have, which may not be in my best interest, and may change) or to have faith (the absence of doubt, a constant belief upheld by evidence) and experience what it was I believed or had faith about. I know: it’s basic Law of Attraction.

When I recently noticed that I felt doubt about some of the affirmations, even with my own rewording, I decided the best way for me to have a beneficial experience was to use only those statements I could get 100% on board with, ones that did not cause that little voice in my head to say, “Un unh.” I call these Truth statements—statements I absolutely believe are true and have absolute faith in as Truth. I’m going to share some of them with you, and you can see if they resonate within you as they do within me. The statements are modified versions from Ponder’s book.

My Truth Statements

It is Truth that the One Source of Infinite Love is the source of all supply, including my supply. Reason this feels true: I do believe there is only one primary Source, so it makes sense that everything and everyone comes from that Source, is an expression of that Source, returns to that Source from which it or they came. This is also supported by metaphysicists and quantum physics, which finally, in premise, agree, even if they use different terminology.

It is Truth that the One Source of Infinite Love is always and in all ways opening and providing new channels of abundance, prosperity, and well-being to me, for me, and through me. Reason this feels true: I experience this, when I’m in flow. And, it also makes me feel quite good to support receiving and sharing as part of the larger dynamic of my experience—a grand abundance, prosperity, and well-being loop.

It is Truth that there is no numbering of the avenues through which supply may come to me; that my resource is as far-reaching as the universe. Reason this feels true: I believe that Source is unlimited. I more than believe this; I’ve experienced it on many occasions. Only human thought limits what we believe our supply and resources are. This statement also supports my connection with life.

It is Truth that I am meant to expect my supply through all avenues of contact with life. Reason this feels true: It has been said repeatedly that Source has already provided everything we ever need or ever could, and that only our resistance to receiving it, in some way, prevents it or holds it back from coming to us. Yes, this is one that is a larger conversation I won’t get into now, but we are not meant to not expect that our needs and desires are to be supplied during our life. (It’s not about what I can get from the flow, but that I get into the flow.)

It is Truth that my abundance, prosperity, and well-being are from Source; and that my abundance, prosperity, and well-being are always and in all ways omnipresent. Reason this feels true: I do believe the first part of that statement. And because I believe it and experience it as Truth, the second part of that statement must automatically be Truth, as well, because I believe Source is omnipresent.

It is Truth that appreciation is a magnet for all good things of the universe to hasten to you. Reason this feels true: It’s basic Law of Attraction. When you feel genuine appreciation for something or about everything, even at times when you stretch to feel that way, it shifts your energy. It allows good stuff to start happening because that’s the vibration you put out and that’s what you magnetize to you. This is also based on personal experience. As most of us know, feelings opposite of appreciation magnetize undesirable experiences to us. I have personal experience with this one, as well.

It is Truth that good things come to me in expected, unexpected, and wonderful ways, and sometimes with a promptness that is astonishing. Reason this feels true: repeated personal experience. I’ve been pleasantly surprised in this way, so know it as a fact—a Truth.

It is Truth that my every need is met. Reason this feels true: Again, personal experience. No matter how many times my ego-aspect drives me around the bend about some things, I eventually return to the Truth, and this statement is proven true, once again.

It is Truth that when we live, not just know, the Law of Attraction and the Truth of the One Source of Infinite Love, we never need to go seeking—our own always comes to us. Reason this feels true: It has been my repeated experience that when I get into the flow, rather than focus on what I can get from the flow (and especially not entertain thoughts of lack), remarkable things happen. I put out a thought or request and it shows up in an amazing way and timing, often without my having done anything other than think the thought, and trust the Truth. This doesn’t mean that I never or seldom take action: I’m always taking action. It’s just that sometimes the only action that was required was trust in the Truth of this statement.

Ponder wrote that one Truth student said, “I have never yet seen a case of unanswered prayer, when the one who prayed was really ready to receive the answer.” Being ready to receive the answer—that’s the key. Do you trust Source enough to trust the answer you receive and when you receive it? That’s one to contemplate. Sometimes the answer we get is not one we would have chosen and the when-aspect is like a frightening amusement park ride. We find we have to rely on our trust in Source to have higher wisdom about this.

I offer this about these statements and any you have for yourself based in Truth: when that voice inside your head starts playing negative tapes about anything, pull up an appropriate Truth statement and repeat it as needed. Don’t let the ego-aspect’s frightened or frustrated attitude get to you or take you over. Cancel it with Truth.

Realization based in faith—the absence of doubt—precedes manifestation that is in your highest good and the highest good of all involved, no matter how it initially may appear. A realization of Truth does, indeed, banish every ill—or the inclination to worry and fret; and the prayer or statement through which realization comes is the prayer or statement that asserts the Truth. Statements that affirm the Truth lead us to experiences of the Truth and, therefore, realizations of the Truth.

What is the Truth? Some aspects are listed above as my statements; but you learn what the Truth is when you experience it in all its beauty, wonder, and constancy over and over. There are, of course, other Truths not listed here. Explore the difference between thought beliefs (temporary, possibly non-supportive) and Truth (something that is constant, unchanging, and always and in all ways supportive). Readapting something Ernest Holmes wrote: Those who get involved with Truth evolve. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.                  

          

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce L. Shafer

You are welcome to use this article in your newsletter or on your blog/website as long as you use my complete bio with it.

Joyce L. Shafer is a Life Empowerment Coach dedicated to helping people feel, be, and live their true inner power. She’s author of “I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, But I Have Something to Say” and other books/e-books, and publishes a free weekly online newsletter that offers empowering articles. See all that’s offered by Joyce and on her site at http://stateofappreciation.weebly.com

What Does Being Authentic Really Mean?

Do you ever judge yourself as not being as authentic as you believe you should be? Do you know why you feel this way? Here’s something to think about.

I was reading about character vs. characterization in novel writing, and this led me to contemplate what it means to be authentic. When writers craft a novel, they need characters and need to develop the characters in a way that makes them feel real to readers. This means the writers have to know as much about the characters as possible, from eye color to habits to prime motivation in life. This is called characterization. Character is what is demonstrated when a character in a novel faces a challenge—shows their true colors, as the saying goes. It’s the stuff they’re made of, when push comes to shove. It’s the same for us.

It’s fairly easy to create a characterization, a presentation, of ourselves for others to see and believe: we can let them see whatever we prefer they see. With others, we can pay attention to what they say and do, and even what we intuit about them when we’re with them, which gives us more information beyond what we see. But all of this leads to the question: what is authenticity really about?

What if it’s really about how you feel about yourself, rather than what you say or do, or how you look? After all, any of us can at anytime say and do things that don’t feel authentic to us but we believe is what is expected of us, or dress a certain way, whether it feels natural or not. Do you believe that to be truly authentic, you have to spill every bean about yourself to everyone? Can you keep anything private or be discerning about who you share what with and still be authentic?

As I pondered these questions, I thought about the fact that the world is peopled with introverts and extroverts. People have traits of both, but in their individual quantities. Carolyn Gregoire wrote the following in an article for The Huffington Post: “As recently as 2010, the American Psychiatric Association even considered classifying “introverted personality” as a disorder by listing it in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-5), a manual used to diagnose mental illness. But more and more introverts are speaking out about what it really means to be a ‘quiet’ type.” 

I admit that for a long time I believed that outgoing people (extroverts) were demonstrating the one and only way to be authentic; so, because I’m a more quiet type (80% introvert, according to an online test I took), I judged myself as not being as authentic as someone who says, or seems to say, whatever they feel like saying about anything, and to anyone, at any time. To all you introverts out there, if you’ve been feeling less authentic because you’re a more quiet type or because you feel a certain way and it clashes with what some believe is more “normal” or authentic (or commercially viable) behavior, you can relax and be yourself. You can gladly laugh at those online poster images that say things like “Introverts unite—in your separate homes.” You get the joke better than anyone.

Gregoire included a list of 23 signs of an introvert in her article, which I’m going to share here as well as some comments about extroverts. Keep in mind that some people you might call an extrovert may actually have a bit or a good bit of introvert in them, just as introverts have a bit or a good bit of extrovert in them. You may resonate more with some of what’s listed below than with others—we’re all composites when it comes to our personality. Here are the 23 signs (my comments are in parentheses):

1.     You find small talk incredibly cumbersome. (As an introvert, I’ll say that’s putting it mildly. Too much small talk can make introverts feel tired and annoyed—it’s like static on a radio to them. Introverts can and will engage in small talk, but it doesn’t take long for them to look for or wish for an exit. A number of aspects that follow can all be tied back into this one. Extroverts, however, will carry on conversations about anything and enjoy it well enough, if not a lot.)

2.     You go to parties -– but not to meet people. (Introverts, when they do go to parties, go to see people they know, to be with people who accept them as they are and they can be relaxed around. If they do connect with a new person in a real way, they’ll enjoy it. Extroverts tend to be “the more the merrier” types.)

3.     You often feel alone in a crowd. (Introverts don’t like crowds, or like them in small doses. They have to mentally prepare themselves for crowds. Again, extroverts tend to be “the more the merrier” types.)

4.     Networking makes you feel like a phony. (Introverts prefer deeper conversations that lead to real connection. They know it may take a lot of small talk first, to find someone who will engage in deeper conversations (see No. 1). And, yet again, extroverts tend to be “the more the merrier” types.)

5.     You've been called "too intense." (Introverts prefer deeper thoughts and conversations—they need them because that’s their nature. They’ll engage in lighter conversations, but only for so long. This doesn’t mean extroverts don’t enjoy deeper conversations, but they don’t fuel and feed many extroverts as they do introverts.)

6.     You're easily distracted. (This refers to an introvert being in an overly-stimulating environment, which stifles clear or deeper thought and engagement. Introverts may zone out in such situations, in order to conserve energy. Extroverts are comfortable in overly-stimulating environments; it fuels them.)

7.     Downtime doesn’t feel unproductive to you. (Downtime is a necessity for introverts. They need it to recharge their batteries and to stimulate their creativity. A whole day alone with a good book or some other downtime experience is like heaven to an introvert. Longer is even better. Extroverts tend to thrive on stimulation that comes from others and activities. They can take only so much alone time; introverts can take only so much social engagement.)

8.     Giving a talk in front of 500 people is less stressful than having to mingle with those people afterwards. (For all the reasons listed above and below. Extroverts are eager to mingle.)

9.     When you get on the subway, you sit at the end of the bench -– not in the middle. (Or prefer end or back seats wherever you go—like in a theater, for fast getaways, if needed. Extroverts like to be in the mix.)

10. You start to shut down after you’ve been active for too long. (Introverts are often more sprinter types than marathoners, activity-wise. Extroverts have a different kind of energy reserve.)

11.  You're in a relationship with an extrovert. (Introverts like to sometimes ride the “waves” with an extrovert. Notice I said “sometimes.” That need for quiet, alone time is always there—an introvert can actually feel or become unwell if they don’t get enough of this. Extroverts may or may not understand this need, may or may not think it’s a strange way to be. Life is for living, is an extrovert’s motto. The introvert lives life, just from a more inward perspective.)

12.  You'd rather be an expert at one thing than try to do everything. (Introverts like to and need to focus. It’s more about how well they function and feel best than about what they do; though, they need to feel aligned with what they do. Extroverts are more outwardly adventurous. An experience, for its own sake, may be more important than alignment with it, for an extrovert.)

13.  You actively avoid any shows that might involve audience participation. (However if picked, an introvert might get into it, if the participation is brief enough. An extrovert might deliberately attend such a performance and even volunteer, vigorously.)

14.  You screen all your calls -- even from friends. (Sophia Dembling, author of "The Introvert's Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World," said, "To me, a ringing phone is like having somebody jump out of a closet and go 'BOO!'" Introverts prefer to be mentally and energetically ready for phone calls (see No. 1). Plus, when deep in thought, which is often, they don’t respond well to being disturbed. Extroverts love to engage anytime. It’s stimulation that feeds them.)

15.  You notice details that others don't. (Unless an introvert is distracted by an overly-stimulating environment, they notice details; and these can be physical ones, but often are inner ones, like emotional dynamics. Extroverts, like introverts, notice whatever they attune to, but it may be more about what someone says than why they say it.)

16.  You have a constantly running inner monologue. (Introverts tend to prefer to think before they speak; and as natural thinkers, they think and process thoughts all the time. Extroverts are more comfortable with speaking first and thinking about it later. They’re also more comfortable acting without thinking it through first. Both of these aspects are something introverts sometimes wish they were comfortable doing, but the fact is they aren’t. Both of these are things extroverts sometimes wish they hadn’t done, but it’s their nature.)

17.  You have low blood pressure. (A scientific study said introverts tend to have lower BP than extroverts do. This makes sense, since introverts look for deeper meanings and have all that quiet alone time to do it in. Extroverts are out there, living on the edge, for the most part. There’s going to be a certain amount of stress in that way of living.)

18.  You’ve been called an “old soul” -– since your 20s. (Again, introverts tend to prefer to think before they speak, which can seem like wisdom to others (sometimes it is, sometimes it isn’t). Extroverts tend to be more in-the-moment types—the time is now, to speak and act, which is sometimes wise and sometimes isn’t.)

19.  You don't feel "high" from your surroundings (Like, say, at big parties. Extroverts respond to their environments differently than introverts—they align with the energy, while introverts look for what and who they are in true alignment with).

20. You look at the big picture. (Introverts tend to be okay with details and facts, but can also engage abstract concepts, as well. Some extroverts are, again, in-the-moment types. What’s happening in front of them is what’s happening. Introverts tend to look for the undercurrents and dynamics.)

21. You’ve been told to “come out of your shell.” (Introverts come out of their shells when they feel like it, thank you. But they keep their shells close by. Extroverts have shells, and sometimes they visit them.)

22. You’re a writer. (Some introverts find it easier to communicate through writing; plus, all that time alone to think charges up their creativity. This doesn’t mean extroverts don’t write, but the ones that do likely have enough introvert in them to support this. Many extroverts would prefer to speak than write. The alone-time it takes to write might be too much for them. They may prefer to dictate their writings and have someone else type them up.)

23. You alternate between phases of work and solitude, and periods of social activity. (Too much activity can stress and tire an introvert. They know how much socializing, work, and downtime works for them. Some extroverts have to wear themselves out before they realize it’s time, or past time, for downtime.)

We cannot all be the same, or some of us aren’t needed. We need extroverts to enliven life and moments and stimulate the energy so it doesn’t go stale. We need introverts to keep things real, to provide the bigger picture, and to calm things down. Life is like a musical composition: We need the notes (extroverts) and the rests between the notes (introverts). If a composition is all rests, there’s no music. If it’s all notes with no rests, there’s no pause to breathe, and performers and listeners alike will pass out or gasp for air. To those of you who are extroverts, thank you for what you offer to the world and to introverts who benefit from “just enough” excitement from time to time. To those of you who are introverts, did you notice how many of the 23 are about being authentic? So if you were comparing yourself to extroverts, as I was, stop it. Both are authentic. Both are needed.

I think it’s more important that you feel authentic than “appear” authentic to others so that you then perceive yourself as authentic. Authenticity comes from within, never from outside of you. Who are you comfortable being in your everyday life? Who are you—what is your true character or nature—when you face challenges? It’s okay to be who you are and it’s okay to discover who that is as life presents changes to and for you. It’s okay to share as much of your authentic self with others as you feel comfortable with; but be sure to share it with yourself. Know thyself. Love thyself. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.               

          

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce L. Shafer

You are welcome to use this article in your newsletter or on your blog/website as long as you use my complete bio with it.

Joyce L. Shafer is a Life Empowerment Coach dedicated to helping people feel, be, and live their true inner power. She’s author of “I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, But I Have Something to Say” and other books/e-books, and publishes a free weekly online newsletter that offers empowering articles. See all that’s offered by Joyce and on her site at http://stateofappreciation.weebly.com

Why Being and Feeling Authentic Can Be Challenging Especially These Days

Mark Twain said, “The worst loneliness is not to be comfortable with yourself.” Whatever you pursue in your outer life will never fill the inner void created by feeling inauthentic; you have to fill it yourself, and first.

“Sam” was so distressed and confused that he’d pretty much shut down; and even told me he almost didn’t want to do our coaching call. What happened to Sam was that he’d recently entered a new career field and believed he’d found the ideal company to work with. What he soon discovered was that his values and theirs didn’t match. He’s about listening to clients and providing service that meets a client’s needs; the company is about closing the deal, even if it requires falsehoods and pressure be used—tactics they teach. Though he’s had successes since he started there, without using these “tricks of the trade,” a co-worker told Sam that he’s considered a “failure to launch.”

Sam is a person who’s clear about his values and knows he must stay true to them or he goes out of harmony with himself and his life. He succeeds at whatever he does, in accordance with his definition and parameters, no one else’s. He was out of balance and couldn’t figure out how to get back in harmony. This was a new experience for Sam—not being able to return himself to inner harmony, and he couldn’t figure out how to lift himself out of this mire so he could feel he stood on solid ground again.

Because he’s still in a learning phase and needs a support system while he adjusts, he had true inner and outer turmoil going on. On the one hand, he was being asked to compromise his values for profits. On the other hand, he was being referred to as a failure because of how this “request” was affecting him. Anyone who’s just getting started with something new is eager for the day they feel they can trust their skills completely, and feel and be strong because of it. This skill strength was, understandably, still missing for Sam. So he dwelled more on self-doubt than on what was really happening.

Sam felt immobilized, and he felt alone, which is frightening. Engaging and meeting challenges and accomplishment are two of his values, so he hesitated to leave the company; but how could he willingly assist clients in the way the company insisted? He can’t; and he had to come to terms with this self-truth. He also needed a few good next steps, which we achieved. By the end of our session he said, “I can actually breathe again. I’ve been losing a lot of sleep over this.”

Being authentic is about knowing yourself and self-acceptance that supports and nurtures you, and helps you thrive. Self-doubt, which is about not being in a strong relationship with yourself, clouds many issues, as well as any process, decision-making or not, you move through. It’s difficult to see the real you or a what the real issue is in a clouded mirror.

Authenticity comes from discovering what your Values are then living from them, knowing that not doing so takes you out of integrity and diminishes your life force energy. Values are what help to create and sustain feelings in you that make you feel alive, enlivened, inspired, and in integrity. They can include accomplishment, connection, creativity, family, fulfillment, humor, honesty, inspiration, spirituality, personal development, service, adventure, abundance, and more.

When you know and live your values, you have a better chance of being and staying in harmony with yourself and, therefore, a better chance of being in harmony with others and life, as well as being more selective about who and what you choose to associate yourself with. When you live this way, prosperity and abundance take on greater meaning. Though you may have both as outer level experiences, in whatever degree that is, it becomes, ultimately, about your experiences of them growing deeper and richer at an inner level first.

These days, messages come at you and me from many directions that tell us what we “should” be and have so that no one has a reason to consider us failures or sub-standard. That’s a lot of people to please! And, many of these messages have nothing to do with our values or helping us stay real with ourselves and others. It’s pretty darn frustrating for a lot of people. What’s additionally frustrating, as it was for Sam until he saw this, is we aren’t always sure what exactly is frustrating us; so, we assume it must be about us not measuring up in some way.

You aim at improvements for yourself and your life, perhaps not always feeling certain about what you’re doing (and, certainty isn’t always required, just action on a next step that moves you forward), and along comes someone (often in an email) telling you that you don’t measure up unless you have or do XYZ. Even if you feel at your core that XYZ is not a good fit for you now, or ever, you might take on this belief (especially if you’re in a challenging phase in an area of your life), which causes you to doubt your abilities or not believe in yourself. You may even start down a path you know in your intuitive gut is not going to lead you where you want to go, but you believe you need to receive a better “measurement” in the eyes of… who? When you find the path doesn’t work for you, because it never was supposed to, you might jump into self-judgment, when you should check in with your values. Anytime something feels off or as though it doesn’t fit you, check in with your values.

In order to believe you’re less than what you truly are, you have to view yourself and life primarily through the lenses of ego and intellect, when the truth is that you and all in existence are so much more.

I ask you to begin paying attention to any message that causes you to feel less, diminished, judged… and question or dump it. Sometimes messages need to address a certain situation in order to open a discussion or thought process, and to let you know that something can be done to improve it, but this can be done in a way that speaks to or with you, not down to or at you. If a message doesn’t inspire you, that is, breathes life into you in some measure, question it.

No one can define who the real you is except you. No one can tell you what being authentically you is about except you. No one can deepen and enrich the relationship you have with yourself… except you. Like Sam, you might get some assistance, but it all comes back to you: what you allow, and what you embrace.

Practice makes progress.
© Joyce Shafer

Is Self Esteem an Issue for You?

Are you a member of the Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth Club? What you’re about to read may inspire you to cancel your membership.

One of the times you feel low self-esteem and self-worth is when you’re around someone you believe, according to your perception, has more going for them than you have, whatever that is… money, success, a relationship, more stuff, etc. I say “perception” because no one has a perfect life or does everything perfectly all the time. But, people with self-esteem and self-worth issues may imagine this to be a fact about others, when it isn’t. Another time is when you’re around authority figures, which also gets addressed.

What happens when you’re with those people? Are you your authentic shining self, or do you sit quietly and try not to take up too much space? What’s this about, anyway?

When you doubt your self-worth, you’re afraid to be yourself, especially around people in authority or are successful, real or perceived.

Maybe you’ve noticed that when you’re with friends who know the real you—and still love you (grin)—that you can be who you are and do so with ease. Put you in the same room with a person you feel intimidated by, for whatever reason—a professional or personal acquaintance, or family member—and, what happens to you? The real YOU, likely, goes into hiding.

I think it was Ram Dass who said, “If you want to know how enlightened you are, spend a week with your parents.” If someone as highly regarded as Ram Dass can recognize this truth (or whichever wise person said it), then we can ease up on ourselves, don’t you think?

Tony Robbins had Beverly Kingsley join him on stage to talk about her weight issue. Progress was being made when Tony asked her why she now knew she had true value and worth. Beverly’s answer: “Because God doesn’t make junk.”

That’s about the most straight-forward response any of us could ever hear. We can cause human creations to perceive themselves as junk goods, but no creation starts out feeling that way—including, or especially, you… no matter what anyone told you or tried to convince you about YOU that is different from this truth.

It is unfortunate that people who were caused to feel low self-esteem and self-worth passed it on or inflicted it on you and others. But, even if they admit they did what they did, it won’t change the internal programs you’re running about this. You have to do that.

The next time you feel unworthy or intimidated when around one or more people, consider using these tips:
• Remind yourself that Source doesn’t make junk.
• Take a deep breath, or a few, and straighten your posture, whether you’re sitting or standing. It’s pretty difficult to feel like you’re less when you deliberately take up a bit more space (meaning, avoid folding your body inward, as though you need to protect it or close up like a telescope). Let your arms rest naturally on armrests of a chair, or find whatever posture feels natural but uses more of the air space around you (and repeat the first tip to yourself).
• Remind yourself that anything other than the truth of your uniqueness and unique contribution to life (whether you know what this is or not) is a lie. And, the most important person who needs to know this is you. This includes honoring your efforts about any aspect of your life you’re currently in the act of improving now.
• If you feel anxious in the presence of people who stir up such feelings, focus on being interested rather than interesting. 1) You’ll learn things; 2) it takes the pressure off of you to do anything other than ask good questions; and 3) it’ll make others happy to talk about themselves. If you really don’t like the person and it’s your choice to be around them, give thought to why you choose to be in their company. Vote with your feet, whenever you can or need to.
• If someone is a genuine problem to be with—abusive in any way, including verbally, please know that you don’t have to be around such people. Never endanger yourself, but do keep in mind that some people are actually bullies without bite. You may find that if you stand up to them, they back down. If they don’t, you want to give thought to continuing the relationship or not.

These are quick-fixes, though they can have lasting, positive effects on you, if you put them into practice. A more lasting “fix” requires you to reach the point where your opinion about you is the one that matters most. And, this is the most important point to keep in mind: If you chose to NOT think thoughts that “nurture” low self-esteem and self-worth, who and how would you BE? Someone may have planted the seed, but we are the ones who decide to feed it or weed it.

Practice makes progress.

5 Questions to Help You Become Your Authentic Self

It’s a complaint you and many others may share: I don’t feel authentic! These 5 questions can help you change this.

If you feel inauthentic, you already know how painful that can be. If you’re a people-pleaser, you know how painful that can be, too. If you feel the real you lives behind a façade, or worse, you aren’t even sure who the real you is any more, use these five questions to shake your authentic self loose from the ties that bind it. I got the five questions from Jairek Robbins, who got them from someone else… and they are powerful!

1. When you were a child, who did you most want love from—not who you got the most love from—but who you wanted love from most?

You probably know exactly who this is. It’s the person whose approval you felt you didn’t have, and you really wanted to win it, whether you “danced to their tune” or you didn’t.

2. What did you have to be (in your mind’s perception) for the person to give you the love you wanted?

Did you have to be smart, pretty, thin, athletic, an achiever, domestic, hard worker, tough, disciplined, frugal, always working, always in control of your emotions, nice, perfect manners, quiet, clever… Were you expected to be the opposite of any of these or others you list? Jairek didn’t cover this, but were there any contrasting expectations from both parents or caregivers, if you grew up with two? It can be exhausting to try to please two or more people who have different expectations of you. Author Barbara Sher has had workshop attendees make a collage to show an image representation of everyone’s expectations of them. One woman completed hers and said, “There! Now everyone is happy but me.”

3. Who could you NEVER be, because you knew (in your mind’s perception, or in reality) the person would immediately take their love away from you?

Were you a tomboy whose mother expected you to dress in frilly clothes and bake cakes instead of climb trees and catch frogs? Were you expected to always be in control of your emotions, and now you can’t feel your life the way you know you’d like to? Were you a boy expected to be athletic but you were really a creative at heart? Expected to be tough, but you’re really tenderhearted? Jairek didn’t cover this either, but what about mixed messages from that person like be nun-like and highly popular at school, or be successful but don’t take any risks? Were there contrasting requirements you tried to meet for two parents or caregivers? Perhaps, “Be successful, but never do better than we have.” Can you see how this one can cause you to hit a wall any time you try to succeed?

4. Who are you today?

Is it still who you thought you had to be for them, or who you really are? Are you still trying to fit the person’s mold for you, whether they’re alive or not?

5. Who do you have to be from this day forward to align with what you desire and deserve in your own life?

What would you have to adjust? Do you need more structure, less structure? Do you need to work harder, work less? Do you need to laugh more, to allow yourself to feel more, to have more joy, to have playtimes; to aim at fulfillment instead of just achievement?

These five questions are worth planning private time so you can give them—give YOU—the attention needed. Will answering the questions and seeing what’s what immediately shift you into feeling and living as your authentic self? I can’t answer that. But, it’s possible you’ll have to do like many of us and take it one day at a time.

Also, remember not to play the blame game. Whoever did whatever to you more than likely had a problem with their authenticity. Compassion has its place here. Knowing who did what may help you process, but hitching your life onto blame will never help you progress. However, you may need to write a letter to the person and burn it so you get some of your anger out. If you try to let them off the hook too soon, you may take on the blame. Understand, as Barbara Sher stated, “We all try to prove our parents right.” This means if you thought you could make an unhappy parent or caregiver happy by being other than you were born as, you’ve had a frustrating time. Anger about this is understandable. Anger held too long hides a deep hurt. Express it to yourself in the letter (even if they admit fault, that won’t change your programming) then use these questions to discover who you really are so you figure out how to move forward.

Make lists for questions 1 through 4. Make another list to the side and rate each listed item as “Is me,” “Isn’t me,” “Sometimes me.” The second list isn’t to be rated according to how you behave now to fit the first list, but what you know is true about your true self, the self you keep hidden. It could be quite an adventure… to discover, explore, and allow your authentic self to take flight, and maybe even soar. At the very least, you can expand your self-esteem and joy.

Practice makes progress.
© Joyce Shafer
State of Appreciation (Issue 131) is now live at
http://stateofappreciation.webs.com

Do You Feel Authentic?

Do you ever feel afraid to be as you are? See if actor Patrick Stewart’s story and these comments help you think or feel differently about this.

Tavis Smiley interviewed Patrick Stewart (Captain Picard in Star Trek: The Next Generation). The topic of Stewart’s famed hairless dome came up, and Stewart revealed he was as bald by age nineteen as he is today; and that for years, he wore a comb-over. His defining moment came after lunch at the home of a Hungarian black belt Judo player, who was also a director, and his wife. The couple left the room—Stewart thought to make coffee. He was grabbed from behind and held by his strong friend while the wife used scissors to snip off the comb-over. Stewart was furious. His friend let him go then knelt in front of him and said, “Now, be yourself! No more hiding.”

The dictionary has several definitions of authentic including “that is in fact as represented; genuine; real” and “true to its type; conforming to an original in style, methods, etc.”

You could say the first definition above refers to “walk your talk.” We usually start out talking more than “walking,” but with the intention to catch up as soon as possible. This is especially true when we’re processing inner-level matters we wish to shift. That “between place” is authentic, even if it seems counterintuitive to think of it this way—because it’s where we are as we aim to move forward. Each of us always has to start where we are.

The second definition is intriguing because of the words “conforming to an original”—because the original you must conform to in order to be authentic is you. Yet, how often do we view ourselves as original, unique—which we undeniably are; and we hesitate or fail to honor and celebrate this. Usually, this is because elements of society have imposed beliefs upon us such as attractiveness looks “this” way, intelligence is expressed “this” way, true success looks like “this,” and other similar statements.

It took Michelangelo three years to carve his David statue, to carve an exquisite image from something “fixed” in nature—marble. We, however, are not fixed in nature because we have the ability to self-learn and self-adjust. We are the sculptor and the clay of ourselves, which is as it was meant to be. Even if diamonds in the rough, we are more exquisite than any work of art or ancient architecture—because we are the creators of such works, or can be, even if on a much smaller scale.

We tend to think that being authentic means we are 100 percent certain about every aspect of ourselves, all the time. What a set-up for frustration. What if the truth is you’re always authentic, but don’t perceive it that way? Do you feel confused about something? Then, be with that—feel authentically confused so you can find what needs to be chipped away or molded until you’re clear about that particular matter. Confused is not inauthentic, it’s an authentic aspect asking for clarity—clarity about what is appropriate for you.

Authenticity is who you are—what you feel—in each moment, and the choices you make from that inner place. You may desire to perceive yourself as your most excellent self, but that’s something you can choose each and every moment—because you are changed in some way by each and every moment.

You are never inauthentic. Dissatisfied, perhaps; but always authentically you, with all your perceived “positives” and “negatives.”

Question: If a “negative” leads to a “positive,” is it truly, wholly a negative? If the “negative” had never appeared or happened, would the positive still have manifested?

Would the character of Captain Picard have impressed us as we were if he’d worn a comb-over? We may not have friends who will take such measures as Stewart’s did, which means we have the responsibility to “snip our own comb-overs” and say, “Now, be yourself! No more hiding.”

D. A. Battista said, "The scars you acquire by exercising courage will never make you feel inferior." It’s possible that when someone feels “inauthentic,” s/he may mean “inferior” in some way. “Inferior” is a layer of limiting beliefs hiding a unique being craving to feel true to the Self and afraid for some reason to be it, whatever that is in each changing moment.

Authentic is aware, attentive, and able to adjust as needed. It’s not “perfect” or completed before its time. Even if you hesitate to trust your authenticity, and even if you must take gradual steps to allow yourself to feel your authenticity in each moment, feel the courage within you—in your best interest and right timing—and be comfortable with what is original about you. Do this and you’ll exchange feeling inauthentic for feeling enlivened. Authentic is a state of mind.

You are what you practice.