How Well Do You Cope with Change?

There are two types of change to be aware of—the type you desire and the type you don’t. Do you feel you manage yourself well enough through these?

Do You Want Your Life to Be Different?

If you desire change in some area of your life, the first thing that must change is whatever in you prevents or delays your desired outcome. Inevitably, your desired outcome is to feel the way you wish to feel about whatever it is that has your attention.

What are some ways you prevent or delay desired change?

You don’t allow it or make room for it. You cannot desire something to change and also believe it never will AND expect to see it as your reality. A good mantra for this is, “It COULD happen,” because it could! But it can’t if you don’t allow that it can.

Your thoughts, feelings, and words don’t support the change you desire—only what you don’t like. If you mentally replay and repeatedly say what you don’t like, you’ll never experience what you desire. What you feed is what grows. Whatever you criticize, it’s likely you’re doing the same thing, in some measure, without even realizing it. When you adjust this, you’ll notice the issue shifts, ends, or it no longer bothers you as it once did.

You believe that the outer experience must change BEFORE you have the inner experience you desire. Sorry, but that’s bassakwards according to how reality works. Ask yourself what may need to be adjusted in you, as ultimately, that is where you desire to feel the difference.

Ask yourself if the change requires you end or let go of something. If you’re truly unhappy about, say, your relationship with someone you believe will never change—and you know you cannot continue to live this way—make an exit plan. If a situation is genuinely intolerable, leave it. Just keep in mind the saying, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

Ask if perhaps your perceptions, assumptions, and expectations are off-center. Perceptions and assumptions, more often than not, lack enough information. Expectations are affected by our programmed beliefs and may not allow us to reassess and adjust as needed with a more open, relaxed attitude. This also leads us to burden others to provide what only we can provide to ourselves.

Do you wake every day and deliberately connect with a good feeling or do you immediately enter negative-mode?

Do you take a few moments throughout the day, and especially before you go to sleep, to feel genuine appreciation for the good you experienced during the day and the good you do have in your life, or do you have a gritch session streaming in your mind?

You’re impatient. It’s just not happening fast enough. First, go back through the above list and see which one or ones you’re engaging—and shift this. Everything in life has an incubation time before it’s hatched or born. This may be fast or slow, depending on what’s needed and how you’re managing your energy. When you genuinely trust that your best interests are always fulfilled (and get what that might mean), you release being so concerned about timing because you trust right timing. This is why it’s recommended you envision (with deep feeling) what you truly desire—then release the thought of it, as the tendency is to return to the thought of its non-presence rather than allow it to be yours, in the right timing.

It may be a “bitter pill to swallow,” but you can’t expect desired change until you realize in what way you’re part of the problem—and shift this. This kind of conscious awareness lets you feel more empowered, relaxed, and on purpose. And, isn’t that the point of any desired change?

When Change Happens to You

My iPEC training manual lists four cycles of change: Shuffle, Deal, Play the Game, Toss In.

Shuffle: You’ve faced an ending or know a change is at hand. Healing is needed, emotions run the gamut. It’s time for a new direction and you reassess where you are and explore where you want to go next. It’s scary and perhaps even a bit exciting, depending. You may feel you’ve lost control in some way, but realize new opportunities do exist.

Deal: You came up with a plan, feel optimistic, and begin to take next steps. You test the waters to see how they feel. If all feels good, your confidence builds and so does your commitment.

Play the Game: You are engaged with this new aspect or phase. You still reassess, but if you feel it’s going well, feel successful, you want it to continue. But as in any game, you still face challenges.

Toss In: Every cycle, whether considered a success or not, runs its course and it’s time for an ending or an upgrade. If an ending, you may wonder how you’ll manage to work through the cycle yet again—but you will. Momentum will slow as you enter the Shuffle phase to figure out what’s next.

What’s generally feared about this type of change is the unknown—what’s next and how you’ll handle yourself in the midst of it. Yet, without walking into the unknown from time to time (and every future moment is unknown), we enter stagnation. In time, stagnant waters offer nothing. Allow that some fear of change is natural, but let go of fearing the fear. Draw on your courage. Courage isn’t the absence of fear, but it is proactive. Action sets you free.

You are what you practice.
© 2010, Joyce Shafer

Does a Road Trip Parallel a Life Journey?

Do you ever wonder if you’re on the right road of your life? If this is or has been your experience, how did you manage yourself?

A friend and I took a road trip using her GPS to get us from New York City to Louisiana. We wanted to beat the anticipated July Fourth traffic, so left Thursday evening and drove until we stopped for the night.

The next morning we continued on the interstate highway marked as West. At 1:30 we’d been driving in the beautiful state of Virginia for a while and decided to stop for lunch. Afterwards, we got back in the car and the GPS directed us onto Highway 81 South. We immediately entered a Twilight Zone experience: No evidence of the west highway sign was anywhere and the highway looked completely different. We kept driving, trusting the GPS, though my friend re-entered the destination at each stop we made.

My friend’s boyfriend called and asked where we were.
“We’re on Highway 81 South in Virginia,” she told him.
“Aren’t you supposed to be going west?” he asked.
“I’m following the GPS,” she replied.

He called several times to see where we were, and each time my friend’s answer was the same: “We’re still in Virginia on 81 South,” and he’d exclaim, “You’re still in Virginia?!” He was genuinely concerned we were on the wrong road. My friend and I joked that if we were on the wrong road, all we had to do was go south until we hit Florida, then turn right. Her boyfriend confirmed we were on the right road (from his computer), though we didn’t cross the Virginia state line until 9:30 that night.

During that Virginia segment, we exited 81 South to get gas and refreshments. This exit turned out to be one that doesn’t tell you, until you’re off the highway, that the gas station is a several-mile trip—in our case, three miles back north. The GPS repeatedly said: “Recalculating,” giving directions for how to get back on the highway. My friend was not happy, initially, that we were going “backwards,” but we decided to make a joke of it and to take only exits obviously right off the highway.

Life is similar to a road trip, and we discussed this to some extent as we traveled.

Road Trip: You have a starting point and a destination, with a number of pauses along the way.
Life: You can only start from where you are, and it’s important to have a desired goal so you know where you want to go. For some this is an overall goal; others are better served by the next goal then the next. You may pause along the way to have a certain experience then get back on track.

Road Trip: You use a vehicle.
Life: Your skills, talents, and willingness to learn act as your vehicle to get you where you want to go.

Road Trip: You use an atlas or a GPS for guidance.
Life: You are blessed with intuition or gut feelings (whether you use this or not) and ability to reassess. People who listen to their intuition will tell you it’s always right, whereas ego-based logic is often faulty and not necessarily connected to what’s appropriate for you.

Road Trip: You need to periodically refuel your vehicle and yourself.
Life: You must feed your body and mind in ways that help you maintain momentum and fulfillment. You must rest to recharge.

Road Trip: You need to periodically visit a restroom and toss out any trash that accumulates.
Life: You have to eliminate what is no longer needed or no longer serves you (or never did) and keep your body, mind, emotions, spirit, and environment as uncluttered as you can so your journey is more comfortable. No one is at their best with a cluttered life.

Road Trip: Traveling with the right companion(s) makes any journey better.
Life: Appropriate others matter. We all need others, and we can accomplish far more when we connect with people who are heading in the same direction we are.

Road Trip: Take appropriate exits so you avoid back-tracking, which adds miles and time to your travels (though, you can turn this experience in your favor).
Life: You have a choice, and using your intuition will guide you. If you find you take a detour from your path and purpose, you can always get back on the right road.

Road Trip: Some roads are longer than you thought they would or should be.
Life: Relax and trust that any and every path you travel has a purpose and is therefore a “right” road for you—if you make it so. You want to keep this in mind, particularly when a progress segment seems to take longer than you or others think it should.

Road Trip: Find the positives and the humor. In our case we had perfect weather, light traffic for a major holiday weekend, and gorgeous scenery. We made light of whatever came up and found reasons to laugh.
Life: Use positive statements to support yourself along the way. Laugh rather than take so much too seriously. Appreciate what you see and discover. Our egos tend to get anxious when we find ourselves in unfamiliar territory. Tune in to the explorer and adventurer inside you.

My friend and I agreed to create a code to use whenever we feel unsure about our personal journeys: “I’m on 81 South.” (Everything seems unfamiliar. I’m not certain this is the right road; and this segment seems to be taking longer than anticipated.)

Despite appearances and opinions, it was the road that got us where we were going. Keep this in mind when you feel you’re on your true path and others doubt or question that you know what you’re doing. Reassess your true direction as needed.

You are what you practice.
© 2010, Joyce Shafer

Do You Rub Your Thoughts the Wrong Way?

There is a phrase, “That person rubs me the wrong way,” that basically means the person (though it also could be a situation) doesn’t make you feel good. You, at times, do this with your thoughts (most of us do); so what works to shift this?

Esther Hicks of Abraham fame has a video on YouTube, “Now Is Where All Your Power Is, Part 2,” where she likens feeding negative thoughts—any thoughts that take you out of feeling good—with rubbing your hand on sandpaper. You wouldn’t rub your hand on sandpaper for an extended period of time because it would hurt, remove skin, require healing, maybe lead to infection, and so on.

But, you will rub your thoughts in this way . . . because it’s a habit that seems logical. And, likely, nearly everyone you know does this from time to time. You may have worked yourself, or watched someone do this, into a frothy state of anger or upset—about something that isn’t even happening at that moment, or is long or long-enough over.

A good example of this is replaying in your mind and verbally repeating events you’ve labeled “negative” that happened in the past. How many times will you need to replay and repeat “negative” past events before you’ll feel better about them or change them to “positives” in the present moment? You may even do this when you anticipate negative events that “might” happen.

What does this habit allow you to do?

It doesn’t empower you. It doesn’t allow you to feel appreciation. It doesn’t allow you to feel aligned with what’s good in your life. It doesn’t open you to inspired ideas and creative solutions. It doesn’t allow more good in this specific category to come to you; and if more good does pierce that energy, you may not appreciate it fully.

It does present you with an opportunity (maybe even Opportunity No. 5,798) to ask different questions about it such as: What can I learn about myself from this? If I don’t like what I learn, how can I shift that? In what way does this make me feel disempowered? How can and will I empower myself about this? What does this opportunity allow me to do, and will I do it?

The tendency to use your thoughts like sandpaper comes from knowing that whatever causes you to feel out of alignment, negative, angered, hurt, fearful . . . wasn’t or hasn’t been resolved or addressed—within you—in a way that allows you to feel the way you want to feel. Maybe it is something you can address in the present, and maybe what you need to address is what you’re doing to yourself (and perhaps others) in the present.

You may feel it’s logical to place responsibility for how you feel, or shifting that, onto someone directly involved. How’s that worked for you so far? Maybe it worked in some way (like from manipulation), but do you feel self-empowered? If you give any person responsibility for how you choose to feel, then that person has the power, not you. And, even if you practice this denial of your power, you know it’s not true—because of the resistance you experience.

Here is a way to shift any thought about anything you use repeatedly like sandpaper on your psyche, whether from the past or now:

1. Notice that you’re doing it. Notice what you’re allowing yourself to feel and be by doing it. Notice it without judgment, because self-criticism is another form of sandpaper—a very coarse form.
2. Ask, “What part of this reflects something in me?” You may not like this fact, but anything you harbor resentment about is something you do in a similar way, even though it may appear as different—so “different,” you may not even recognize you’re repeating a pattern you detest in another. This level of self-assessment may not (initially) feel good, but it is extraordinarily powerful on many levels.
3. Ask, “What can I do about this that I will do?” One thing you can do is find something to appreciate about this. You can appreciate that you notice it, that you ask the right questions from a sincere desire to shift and self-empower. You can appreciate how this process leads to deeper understanding and compassion of and for yourself and others. You can appreciate the feeling of relief you get when you empower yourself to stop rubbing your thoughts the wrong way and rub them the right way.

You may also experience challenges about allowing what you say you want into your life. Any thought about what you desire that rubs the wrong way, will slow or prevent what you want coming to you. It’s like saying No or Not Yet.

When this habit surfaces, you can diffuse it with this question: Does allowing this thought pattern support me to move forward, self-empower, and feel the way I want to feel now? If it needs addressing, address it. Otherwise, find and use a thought pattern that lifts your mind and emotions from the sandpaper. The most immediate relief is to stop doing it when you notice you’re doing it.

You are what you practice.
© 2010, Joyce Shafer