The Power of Reframing Your Reality

If you're not familiar with what reframing is, I have a quote from American Actress Shelley Winters that is an example: "I'm not overweight. I'm just nine inches too short."

Why would anyone need to reframe what-is? Reality is what it is, isn't it? Maybe. We know that how we perceive things is how we experience them. This is why two people can see or hear the same thing and respond or react differently. Sometimes, this means we ignore the obvious, perhaps make excuses. Other times, it means the story we tell ourselves causes us to feel bad rather than better. When your attention is primarily on things as they are, or seem to be, you block expansion of what-is and what is possible.

Reframing is so very important because if we don’t put it into practice, we can exhaust ourselves or make ourselves ill as a result of all the opposing thoughts to what-is that we have and repeat to ourselves and others. Our opposing thoughts can, instead, get our attention onto the fact there is deep-level resistance going on about what-is, and it’s likely about something we feel we can’t change or are afraid to change. Viktor Frankl gave us his renowned quote that relates to reframing: “Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

During the course of a day, or a lifetime, we tell ourselves a lot of things. Maybe we say we can't be happy, confident, serene, or whatever we want to feel until we lose 20 pounds, have a certain bank balance, or reach whatever parameter we place out ahead of us. Will we attain our goals and dreams faster and easier if we delay feeling the way we want to until we accomplish what we aim to? Even if this doesn’t cause delay, why feel bad in the process? We waste time and energy waiting for circumstances and ourselves to be perfect or ideal so that we can feel good “when” instead of feeling that way now. Neale Donald Walsch said, “Happiness is not produced by conditions; conditions are produced by happiness.”

"It is impossible to be both grateful and depressed. Those with a grateful mindset tend to see the message in the mess. And even though life may knock them down, the grateful find reasons, if even small ones, to get up." – Steve Maraboli

A good time to reframe is when an outcome is less than we expect or hope for. Times such as these are not "failures," but valuable information-gathering experiences. (Did you notice how the last sentence used reframing?) You can choose to make every outcome or process work for you rather than against you. This may not feel natural or simple, but if you do it, you'll move forward rather than stand still. That is the real power of reframing. “The only thing that ever prevents your receiving something that you desire is that your habit of thought is different from your desire,” said Abraham-Hicks.

Reframing takes us out of the mono-vision we can get locked into. If we look around, we see lots of people enjoying themselves in ways we're putting off until... Do you know anyone who is not a millionaire, but is happy? Do you know any men or women without perfect bodies who are happy and in romantic relationships? Do you know anyone with a health or physical issue who not only gets around, but enjoys as fulfilling a life as possible? One thing can be assumed about such people: they tell themselves a story that is different from what someone else may tell themselves. They are reframing experts. Aristotle advised, “What we expect, that we find.”

Pick something you're putting off feeling better about until you reach a specific outcome. Choose to feel good just as things are and just as you are. This doesn't mean you don't still aim at your desired outcomes, it means you give yourself permission to enjoy yourself and your life right now, and feel and express appreciation, which is the ultimate vibration to send out, whatever the circumstances. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.         

         

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce L. Shafer

Some Endings Are Happier New Beginnings

I’d like to share a brief story about Amazing Anne…
who went from the effects of abuse to Freedom.

Anne’s beginning in life may or may not be worse
than some people’s you know (or your own),
but it did have a happier New Beginning.

Before Anne began her breakthroughs, she didn’t believe
she had a right or a reason to feel good about herself.

Actually, somewhere deep inside she knew better,
which is why she reached out and took the action she did.

Anne’s courage is something I definitely celebrate!

Many people feel challenged when it comes to
feeling about and believing in themselves,
in the way they’d like to.

In Anne’s case, she also had the challenge of
coming from a verbally and physically abusive childhood,
which hung over her life like a heavy, dark shadow.

You’d be correct to say Anne’s self-esteem and self-confidence
were understandably low because of this.

And that she’d allowed her self-worth to be determined
by others, and how her life “appeared” to be—
and how awful she felt about herself—
instead of knowing her self-worth is a given.

Anne arrived at the moment in time when NOT
doing something about this
was way more painful than whatever
going for something better might take.

I recently got an email from Anne sharing that
she and her husband have fun together and laugh a lot.

This was NOT the case before she and I worked together.
In fact, this shift began to happen within just a few weeks
after we got started.

At first, her husband would look at her with puzzled expressions,
but this was because this
happier, calmer, more assertive woman—
who suddenly stopped binge eating when
upset or angry and who previously would never go out for fun,
not even to a restaurant, was now asking to do fun things
and doing them… and more.

His wife and his life were suddenly more fun and fulfilling,
and fulfilled, after decades of this not being the case.

Anne still shares with me how
she manages contrasts and conflicts that happen,
as well as the wonderful things
she creates for herself and her life.

Like at work… Co-workers and supervisors also noticed
a positive shift in her. She’d always had a work ethic,
but her attitude became so much more positive.
(Her latest performance review was outstanding!)

Anne also found it became much easier
to stand in her power
when it came to dealing with people
she’d previously let take her for granted.

In fact, Anne found she couldn’t NOT
look after her best interests.
She felt too strong and too good
to allow “stuff and nonsense” any more.

There were many, many more ways Anne shifted
during out time together, like exchanging
self-loathing for self-loving, which is HUGE!

Basically, the person Anne really is and always was
that was buried under layers of “stuff” from childhood
came out to live and to play.

We even discovered one quirky thing she can do
when she really wants to feel as confident as possible.
We joke about it, but it really works for her.

Anne’s commitment to herself was apparent
in her email messages, when she shared her
interest in working with me, but were made really
obvious to me in two big ways:

How she chose to invest in herself financially and
energetically during our time together.
Seriously… this woman meant business.

Anne stunned me when she told me
she’d decided to dedicate an entire paycheck
(1/2 of her monthly pay from her part-time job)
to do my specialized coaching program, and…

Mid-way through the 2-month coaching program,
she had minor surgery.
Don’t let the word “minor” fool you:
there was an extended recovery time
and extended physical therapy involved.

After the surgery I asked Anne if she wanted to
take some time off from the program and resume
once she’d had a chance to rest, especially because
she experienced pain.

She refused, saying this was HER time -
for inner healing, as well as physical healing.
As I said, her commitment to herself was strong…
stronger than any pain, in her mindset.

These two decisions of hers were ones I would
never ask anyone to do, but I had to honor
her decisions and her right to make them.

Anne’s happy ending of our time together, once
she completed the coaching program,
truly was a happier new beginning for her.

Fortunately, not everyone needs to free themselves
from such effects, just a load of limiting beliefs.

So, what happened during the 2 months?

I mentioned the “specialized” coaching program that
Fulfillment Is An Inside Job uses.

What this means is that I created specific questions
that open the door to deeper conversations.

And, as in Anne’s case, as it always is with coaching,
life still happens,
even when you try to focus on just one or two things.
So, we also worked on whatever came up for her—
because past, present, and future fit together.

Each week, on a specific day,
I’d send that week’s questions to her.
Anne would take a day or two to respond
then email the document back to me.
I’d read what she wrote and respond.

We usually communicated twice
about each week’s questions and responses,
in fact, that was the “norm.”

Then we’d move on to the next week,
until we’d moved through all 8 weeks.
(Anne kept everything so she can
re-read it from time to time and
see how far she’s come.)

Anne had lots of “smaller” breakthroughs along the way
(no breakthrough is ever small),
but she got the big breakthrough she wanted:
she rediscovered the real Anne and how
she wanted to feel about herself and her life.
And, she began to live this and still does!

She realized that everything – Everything – responds
to and stems from how you feel about you.

Whatever your start in life was like,
if you feel you’re ready now
for your own breakthrough to a happier new beginning,
send me an email with this in the subject line:
Why Me, Why Now.

You can write up to 1 page telling me
why a breakthrough is important to you
and why now.

I’ll work with up to 10 individuals at a time.
This is why I ask you to send your Why Me, Why Now message to me…
in case more than that number of you feel ready now,
so that I can be selective (based on commitment),
if that need arises.

If you’re not in this 10, you will definitely
be considered or put into the next round,
before anyone else.

When:
Ideally, I’d like to send the questions to you
on the same day each week, starting Saturday, April 14.

However, if you’re ready to start sooner than that,
I’m not going to make you wait.
I certainly understand how it feels to want to
get going sooner than later.

But, I will stop at 10 people for the 2-month program.
This means if 10 people want to start now,
April 14 will be a moot point. We’ll start now.

Where:
All online, through emails: your computer, your schedule.
However, if you want to add one 30-minute coaching call
each week, we can arrange this.

Investment:
Time – I’d say between 1 to 3 hours each week,
depending on how much you want to include in
your responses to the questions.
Money –
*If you want to do the program by email only
and need a payment plan,
which we can arrange - $400
*If you want to do the program by email only and
pay in full at the start - $375
*If you want to add coaching calls to the email program
(one 30-minute call each of the 8 weeks) –
$200 with the payment plan option (Total $600);
$175 if you pay in full at the start (Total $550)

What to Do Next:
Email your Why Me, Why Now message to me at jls1422@yahoo.com .
Also, let me know these three things:
a) If you want to start now or on April 14;
b) If you will pay in full at the start or
need a payment plan, and what will work for you.
(I promise this will not influence your selection to participate);
c) If you want to include coaching calls
(this doesn’t influence your selection either).

If you want to start April 14,
email your message to me
no later than April 7.

If you want to start sooner,
email your message to me as soon as you write it.

If you want to start on April 14,
I’ll let you know about your selection
by Monday, April 9, along with how
to take care of payment to secure your place.

If you want to start sooner, I’ll help you do that.
I’ll stop accepting clients once I reach 10.

If you have any questions, please email me at jls1422@yahoo.com.

If you know someone who might be interested in
Fulfillment Is An Inside Job, please forward this email to them.

I look forward to assisting you to your own
happier-you breakthrough, if now is the time.

Joyce Shafer
Life Empowerment Coach
Author
Publisher, http://stateofappreciation.webs.com
P.S. Just so you know… Anne is a real person,
though that’s not her real name.
She did give me permission to share “anything”
I wanted to about her story and experience.

WHERE Is the Best Place to Start

When you have a goal or dream in mind, do you ask yourself where the best place to start is? The answer is in the question: Where you’re going.

You’ve seen floor plan maps in public places like large malls, stores, or office buildings that let you see where shops, offices, or sections are located. Here’s what’s interesting about this: you might think the first thing you do is find the You Are Here X then look up where you want to go. But the first thing you do is THINK about WHERE you want to go.

You may be one of many who approach goals or dreams by looking at where you are before you do anything. And, this may be an obstacle for you. Why? Because when you put your primary focus on where you are rather than on where you want to go, you open the floodgates for self-doubts and can come up with a number of reasons—or one big zinger—for why going after what you desire will be too difficult.

Before GPS, when you wanted to travel to a place you’d never been to, you didn’t look at a map of your city. Yet, that’s what we do when we focus on where we are instead of where we want to go. Once you know where you want to go, then you look at where you are and make a plan for how you’re going to get where you want to go. You even allow for pleasant surprises and detours along the way. You figure out the various aspects like money you may need or want to have on hand, how far your car can go before it needs fuel or what your comfort level is about filling up, stops to rest, and so on.

When you go for a goal or dream, you plan as much as you can, like for a road trip, and manage your way through what comes up that you didn’t include in your plan. Life always surprises us along the way. Sometimes the surprises bring even better opportunities and results than what you plan. Sometimes it’s an opportunity to find out how creative you can be.

You also want to watch not to pick up “hitchhikers” like fear that’s attached to the opinions of others. Carlos Castaneda said, "The self-confidence of the warrior is not the self-confidence of the average man. The average man seeks certainty in the eyes of the onlooker and calls that self-confidence. The warrior seeks impeccability in his own eyes and calls that humbleness. The average man is hooked to his fellow men, while the warrior is hooked only to infinity."

Another “hitchhiker” may be discipline, or rather lack of, if you believe you don’t have enough self-discipline to do what it takes to go for a goal or dream. Therese Skelly wonderfully reframed what discipline is: integrity—meaning your personal integrity. So often, we believe integrity is all about how we engage others. That’s just one aspect. Do you act with the same integrity with you that you would with others?

One of my coaching clients had put off a goal for five years, a goal she genuinely wanted. She allowed a lot of negative self-talk to block her; and the longer she waited, the worse she felt. By the time we began to work together, her self-esteem was way down there. She’d spent five years looking at where she was rather than where she wanted to go and how to get there. We explored what discipline looked like for her, integrated it into her day, and voila! Her integrity, discipline, self-talk, ability to take action steps that led her to her desired outcomes fell into place in a very short span of time. Five years of misery ended in two months… sooner actually.

If you’re hesitating to go for a dream or goal, check your focal point. It’s like archery: when you want to hit the bull’s eye, you don’t focus on your feet.

What will it cost you to go for your goal or dream? What will it cost you if you don’t?

Practice makes progress.
© Joyce Shafer

You are welcome to use this article in your newsletter or on your blog/website as long as you use my complete bio with it.

Joyce Shafer (jls1422@yahoo.com) is a Life Coach, author of I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, but I Have Something to Say & other books/e-books, and publisher of a free weekly online newsletter that connects people with information, resources, and others aligned with enhancing and expanding spiritual Truth in their personal and business lives. Receive a free PDF of How to Have What You REALLY Want when you subscribe at http://stateofappreciation.webs.com

Do You Push When You Could Ride?

It happens to all of us when we desire to fix, change, or shift something: we push when we could ride. What’s that really about?

Years back, the guy cutting my hair told me about a conversation he’d had with a co-worker. She had complained that her father had used the push lawnmower on their acreage when he could have used the riding mower. He told her, “That’s how you live your life.”

I had a couple of days when I was trying to figure something out—something I wanted to change, fix, shift . . . whatever it took. On the third day, during meditation I thought, “I’ve confused myself. Show me.” What I heard in my mind was, “Stop looking and I’ll be able to.”

I got it! Though, I already knew it, but temporarily forgot what I know, in favor of returning to old behavior patterns. Looking for, searching for, seeking solutions are actions, but not the right actions when your energy is worried, fearful, or fretful. You have to get calm. It’s like that saying that an open hand can hold water; a closed one can’t. It’s no different for energy.

The rest of the day, when mind clutter tried to start up again, I’d think: “Practice Empty Mind. Flow. Listen.” Nothing intuitive could communicate with me as long as I was doing all the “talking.” The time to look, search, or seek for ways to implement solutions or next steps happens once you are clear what they are. Inner first; outer follows. But, this may feel counterintuitive to you because aren’t you being irresponsible if you don’t panic or fret when you need a solution or next step? You already know that never solves anything and that it feels awful to be in that kind of process.

When you’re not open to receiving—especially inspired ideas, because you’re worried, fearful, or fretful, you won’t receive what will benefit you. Your intuition (your receiver and guide) will stand aside and wait patiently for you to return to your senses—however long that may take. You have to trust that—as a coaching client’s mantra states, “I don’t know how it’s going to happen yet, but everything will work out.” This doesn’t mean she doesn’t take action; it means she lets go of fretting and acts as soon as inspired ideas come to her (with desired results, I add).

Maybe you’ve had a similar experience, or not, but when I ask (the right way) for something, empowering “stuff” starts showing up. Like two Abraham (Esther Hicks) videos I found on YouTube: The Stream and Rampage of Invincibility. I recommend you look them up and watch them in the order I listed here.

In case you don’t . . . The Stream discussed the fact that we tend to row upstream or cling to the bottom rather than “flow gently down the stream” (my phrasing in quotes). One reason is because we’re told we “should” do that, that we are rewarded for pushing upstream. We get “trophies” for doing this. That’s what others expect of us—because that’s what they do.

Of course, you really have to figure out what this means for you personally. I take it to mean if I’m not doing what fulfills me, I’m rowing upstream. If I’m not researching and planning how I can do what fulfills me, I’m rowing upstream. If I’m expending more energy feeling awful about What Is than on Where Can I Go from Here?—I’m rowing upstream. What does it mean for you?

Push, row . . . or flow.

You are what you practice.
© Joyce Shafer
Check out the terrific freebies and articles (and more), and learn about private coaching sessions and my 8-week Your Ideal Life and Business online course (next course starts 09.03.10), in my free weekly online newsletter at http://stateofappreciation.webs.com or email me at jls1422@yahoo.com for details.

What Do You Want and What Stops You from Having It?

During the final moments of your life, you aren’t going to review what title you held or your bank balance. You’re going to review what you feel about how you experienced your life.

This is your opportunity to answer the following questions with no limitations, no judgment or criticism of your answers. This is between you and you. Remind yourself that at the end of your life, you want to know you found a way to let the splendor within you express itself.

Deep within you is the kernel of your purpose—the essence of what it is that is your ultimate gift to be given while you are here. (Your true ultimate gift is to be your authentic self.) So, how do you define or find your life purpose? You do not define your purpose as much as you distill it. The way to get to a one-sentence statement that accurately expresses your purpose is to start with the questions—

• What makes you feel truly alive? (You do know what this is.)
• What is it that you feel in those moments when you’re doing this?
• In what way does this allow you to believe you are being of service to others in a manner that is appropriate for you?
• What might you do to make this a part of everything you engage in?

It’s best if you write your answers then distill them into one concise life-mission statement. Making people laugh or feel better IS considered a life purpose. How you do this is up to you.

You may have many things you would like to do. Make a list of them and mark through them with a high-lighter as you accomplish them over the course of your life. For now, select the one very important thing you want to focus on. This can involve career, family, education, spirituality, or any area of concern—whatever is important to you.

What I’d really love to do is . . .

Now, describe it in even more detail. Really make it come alive here. What does your life look or feel like, on all levels, as you live this reality?


WHAT IT WILL COST YOU TO MAKE YOUR DREAM HAPPEN?

Will you have to confront negative beliefs about yourself? Give up some spare time or rearrange your routine or schedule to develop your plan and take action? Give up some anonymity, time with family, or fears? Really think about this.

If you’ve stumbled over or sabotaged your success in life, ask yourself if there was ever a moment when someone said something to you that caused you to believe success, especially financial success, came with a penalty. Does any person or event come to mind? You may be holding a feeling of needing to punish yourself (guilt if you do well) or punish another (which punishes you). Becoming aware of this block is the first step to removing it from your life.


WHAT IT WILL COST YOU IF YOU DON’T MAKE IT HAPPEN?

What will it cost you, personally, if you don’t do this? Will you deny your life’s purpose or see yourself as not deserving better? Will you remain in a self-imposed prison without bars, possibly based on someone else’s opinions or fears?

It’s possible you’ve already paid this cost long enough. Set yourself free from it.

(Partial excerpt from How to Have What You REALLY Want)

You are what you practice.
© Joyce Shafer

Two Ways Solutions Are Not Always Obvious

There are two ways (or maybe “times” is a better word) a best solution might not be obvious: Before—when we need one and After—once one is in effect.

Way 1—Before

(This is taken from “The Prisoner in the Dark Cave.”)

A man sentenced to death is placed in a dark cave. He’s told there is a way out and if he finds it, he’s free. The only light source is a hole above him where food and water are to be lowered to him for thirty days; but after thirty days, this will cease.

The man sees the hole where the light comes in as his only way out—because it’s obvious. For days he stacks every rock he can find, believing if he can get the pile high enough, he can climb up and lift himself out. The ending is that this tactic doesn’t work (he runs out of rocks) and he dies. He’d focused so much on the “obvious,” he never explored where he was. Granted, it was dark in the cave, but had he felt along the wall, he would have found a tunnel that led to freedom. The “obvious” way led to his death.

Standing in a state of indecision can feel very much like standing in darkness. We want to take an action and we want it to be a right action—not just any action. But maybe we take any action only to discover we wish we hadn’t. We may take the most obvious action because it’s so uncomfortable to feel unsure or we believe we must, right then. (Others frown on being unsure, don’t they? Aren’t you supposed to always know exactly what to do about every single thing?) Ultimately, it’s the difference between a response and a reaction.

Notice in the story, the man was given a clue about the way out: he had to find it, which meant there was something he needed to look for. Yet, he didn’t look beyond what appeared obvious to him.

If you think about decisions and choices you’ve made, sometimes the obvious was the right way and sometimes it wasn’t. The obvious can seem to be the easy way out of a situation, so we don’t take even just a little time to search and research, in case there’s another or better way.

Maybe you’re in a situation at this time, looking for a solution. Set aside some time to allow yourself to consider what you’ve just read. Allow head and heart alignment to “speak” to you so you respond appropriately rather than react now and pay later.


Way 2—After

The solution came to you and you took action, or maybe the solution seemed to organically appear in your life, and what was making you crazy or worried before is now improving. But, are you acting as though things are improved or as though they’re still in their former state?

Think about that for a moment: A situation improves or is improving, but you’re still acting as though it’s still “wounded.”

Here’s a good example most people will be able to use as a parallel. Let’s say your child (or your dog) has some need to heal and you have to take certain precautions with Jack or Jill, or Jackpot—for a certain period of time.

Let’s say the desired healing and improvement happens and Jack or Jill or Jackpot is ready to begin to resume a normal active life. Will you, as caregiver, still feel cautious, or will you be as ready and raring to let s/he or it get back into action, even if gradually—because the situation is better than it was?

It’s understandable if you treat solutions and improvements as though nothing’s changed if you’ve had to cope with or manage a challenge for a period of time. We see it most typically in a person who loses weight but isn’t able to relate to their new size, only the ghost image of what was.

You know the 3-step method for manifestation: Create a rich image of what it is you desire, feel it as though it’s yours, let go of thinking about it and go do something else.

Maybe the key to releasing the past once a desired improvement is happening is to
*Create a rich image of What Is—that which is improved or improving;
*Feel how much you genuinely appreciate it and how joyful, fun, or fulfilling it is; and
*Give yourself permission to allow the improvement is present, and allow it to expand, trusting that you always know how to look after your best interests with integrity (rather than flipping your thoughts back to What Was).

Notice today whether an obvious solution or path is really the best one or if you should do some research (have you received any clues?).
Notice today whether you’re treating improvements (or healing) as though it hasn’t happened, then flip that thought/emotional process.

You are what you practice.
© 2010, Joyce Shafer

You can reprint this article as long as you use my complete bio.

Joyce Shafer is the You Are More! Empowerment Coach and author of I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, but I Have Something to Say, as well as six more books/ebooks, most easily found online at Lulu.com (jls1422@yahoo.com). Check out the terrific freebies and articles (and more) found in her free weekly online newsletter at http://stateofappreciation.webs.com

How Can I Identify My Life Purpose, True Goals, or Bucket List?

Is there really one question or method that can help you answer each or all three of these questions? Let’s find out.

First, a few thoughts about each . . .

Life Purpose

This one gets a lot of play. I think it’s because many of us feel if we, without question, know what our purpose is, we can (we believe) demonstrate, to ourselves and others, that we actually have one. By default of being here, you have a primary purpose—to have a human experience! If you find yourself craving to know what your “specific” purpose is, how about you put that down for a bit, tune into what YOU FEEL inspired and/or motivated to do whether for all time or the next few weeks, months, or years—and do it or them. If you do that, it’s pretty darn likely that you’ll manage to live your purpose, however it gets done. Walking around wondering what it is and questioning every decision or indecision isn’t fun or fulfilling—it’s frustrating. Also know that life purpose and life work (career) may or may not be the same thing. For some it is, for others it isn’t.

True Goals

What YOU really want to do for all time or for the next few weeks, months, or years. True goals are what YOU want to experience, enjoy, achieve, fulfill, help make happen, and so on. A true goal should never, ever, ever be about what another wants or believes you should do. True goals are what you go after when you get out of your own way.

Bucket List

You’re never too young or too old to put something on this list (or check it off once achieved). If you’re not playing with such a list, consider doing so. Make it a safe zone where you write anything you wish to experience. No “I can’t” or “That’ll never happen” thoughts—if/when they occur—are to be allowed to stop you from putting down what you want, including the who, what, when, where, and how you want it to look, be, and feel for you. The HOW it happens is to be left alone, unless an inspired idea comes to you about how to help make it happen. Otherwise, putting your unfettered items on this list will, remarkably, cause them to show up at their right timing—if they are truly aligned with what you are here to experience.

So, what’s the question?

It comes from Willie Jolley. Imagine your doctor tells you s/he’s got bad news and good news. (I promise it’s like but not exactly the same as the question you already know.) The bad news is you have a condition and it’s confirmed you have exactly one year left to live. As day 365 ticks over into day 366, you exit. The good news is there’s no feelings of poor health involved—you have energy—and the really good news is that you get to pick ten things you want to do/accomplish, knowing an aspect of this condition is that you WILL succeed fully at each of them.

What ten things would you pick? To help you with this, if you decide to “play,” just start writing. If your top ten aren’t obvious, compare item one to item two. Which one matters more to you? Put a checkmark by it. Compare item one to item three and pick the one you want more. Continue this item-to-item comparison until you’ve gone through all the items. Count the checkmarks for each item and you’ll see what your top ten are. You may see that some of your items fit into Life Purpose, True Goals, or Bucket List—or two categories or all three at once.

Don’t have ten items? No problem. Just prioritize your items and get started. If other items come to mind, add them and prioritize them. It isn’t about the number of items; it’s about what you do about the ones you have.

Think this will take too much of your time because you know your list will be too long? Well, if you’re not working on at least one item on this list right now, what’s stopping you? Are you happy letting that be a reason (or excuse)? What can you do that you will do?

You are what you practice.
© 2010, Joyce Shafer

How to Identify Your True Calling

Read this question and note how it makes you feel: If you had to do (HAD to do) one thing for the rest of your life—for no pay—what would it be? What you FEEL is a key to learning something about yourself.

Some of you had no problem answering this question. You’ve always known what you wanted to do and are either doing it or working your way towards it.

Some of you have never had a good enough question (like this one) to assist you to tune into what you really want to do, usually because others have readily offered their opinions and reasons as “wise” guidance.

Some of you were NOT inspired by this question—you had an opposite experience. Rather than stimulating you to really feel your way to your appropriate answer, it’s likely your mind started to consider what you’d have to give up (and how that would feel), in order to do just one thing.

A prevalent, imposed mainstream belief is that you HAVE to pick one thing and become expert at it—because you “should” have the desire to be a huge success; and you can achieve what’s expected of you by following this path.

If I asked for a show of hands to see how many of you were ever told (and witnessed), “Success is when you love your life; and only you can determine what that means for you,” there might be some hands that went up, but I doubt it would be the majority.

Often, people try to figure out what they will do, based on what they can earn from it. Let’s not attach judgment to that decision-making method, but let’s recognize that it’s faulty motivation for some of you. (And some of you hold the belief that no one would pay you to do what you really would love to do. Question: Is that 100-percent absolutely true? Question: What action would you take if you didn’t have that doubting belief?”)

I don’t readily recall his name, but I watched a PBS program segment about the guy who created that online security feature where you have to prove you’re a human, not another computer, by typing in one or two displayed misshapen words. That’s only one of his achievements; and he’s considered by many to be one of the geniuses of our age. When this guy graduated from university, Bill Gates approached him with an employment offer. The guy turned him down. He wanted to teach at the university he graduated from. He loves the extra requests-for-service he gets that allow him to apply his genius, but teaching and making it fun fulfills him. Some might say he’s a fool for turning Gates down, but he’s genuinely happy with his life. He IS paid well for his other efforts. By following his feelings (rather than what some might have expected him to do), he enjoys the best of both worlds.

For those of you who shivered or broke into a sweat trying to figure out what you’d give up, visit Barbara Sher’s website to learn about Scanners, if you haven’t already. You may have been or are frustrated by all the advice to pick one thing and do it. This kind of advice to a Scanner is like telling a brown-eyed person to make their eyes blue by using willpower. A Scanner forced to do only one thing is a frustrated, unhappy individual whose creativity stays dormant rather than is shared. A better question for Scanners might be: What two (or three) to five (or more) things would you do if you had to do them the rest of your life?

You may have held the belief that it should be simple to identify your true calling—and found it wasn’t or hasn’t been. Use the question. Eliminate any “voices” but your own. Put logic and “shoulds” aside. Whatever your initial thought about trusting what you feel is (because feelings get a bad rap), try this: “I’m putting aside all thoughts and logic for a moment. What do I really feel?” Let your inner voice, your inner Self who knows you better than anyone, speak to you. Its language is feelings. You have them for a reason.

Also, allow that your calling may “call” you for a finite period of time, then another one calls out to you—even in later years. Don’t argue with this, have a conversation with it.

If you’re not already doing what you really want to do, ask yourself the question. Your calling—or callings—are waiting for you.

You are what you practice.
© 2010, Joyce Shafer

How Well Do You Cope with Change?

There are two types of change to be aware of—the type you desire and the type you don’t. Do you feel you manage yourself well enough through these?

Do You Want Your Life to Be Different?

If you desire change in some area of your life, the first thing that must change is whatever in you prevents or delays your desired outcome. Inevitably, your desired outcome is to feel the way you wish to feel about whatever it is that has your attention.

What are some ways you prevent or delay desired change?

You don’t allow it or make room for it. You cannot desire something to change and also believe it never will AND expect to see it as your reality. A good mantra for this is, “It COULD happen,” because it could! But it can’t if you don’t allow that it can.

Your thoughts, feelings, and words don’t support the change you desire—only what you don’t like. If you mentally replay and repeatedly say what you don’t like, you’ll never experience what you desire. What you feed is what grows. Whatever you criticize, it’s likely you’re doing the same thing, in some measure, without even realizing it. When you adjust this, you’ll notice the issue shifts, ends, or it no longer bothers you as it once did.

You believe that the outer experience must change BEFORE you have the inner experience you desire. Sorry, but that’s bassakwards according to how reality works. Ask yourself what may need to be adjusted in you, as ultimately, that is where you desire to feel the difference.

Ask yourself if the change requires you end or let go of something. If you’re truly unhappy about, say, your relationship with someone you believe will never change—and you know you cannot continue to live this way—make an exit plan. If a situation is genuinely intolerable, leave it. Just keep in mind the saying, “Wherever you go, there you are.”

Ask if perhaps your perceptions, assumptions, and expectations are off-center. Perceptions and assumptions, more often than not, lack enough information. Expectations are affected by our programmed beliefs and may not allow us to reassess and adjust as needed with a more open, relaxed attitude. This also leads us to burden others to provide what only we can provide to ourselves.

Do you wake every day and deliberately connect with a good feeling or do you immediately enter negative-mode?

Do you take a few moments throughout the day, and especially before you go to sleep, to feel genuine appreciation for the good you experienced during the day and the good you do have in your life, or do you have a gritch session streaming in your mind?

You’re impatient. It’s just not happening fast enough. First, go back through the above list and see which one or ones you’re engaging—and shift this. Everything in life has an incubation time before it’s hatched or born. This may be fast or slow, depending on what’s needed and how you’re managing your energy. When you genuinely trust that your best interests are always fulfilled (and get what that might mean), you release being so concerned about timing because you trust right timing. This is why it’s recommended you envision (with deep feeling) what you truly desire—then release the thought of it, as the tendency is to return to the thought of its non-presence rather than allow it to be yours, in the right timing.

It may be a “bitter pill to swallow,” but you can’t expect desired change until you realize in what way you’re part of the problem—and shift this. This kind of conscious awareness lets you feel more empowered, relaxed, and on purpose. And, isn’t that the point of any desired change?

When Change Happens to You

My iPEC training manual lists four cycles of change: Shuffle, Deal, Play the Game, Toss In.

Shuffle: You’ve faced an ending or know a change is at hand. Healing is needed, emotions run the gamut. It’s time for a new direction and you reassess where you are and explore where you want to go next. It’s scary and perhaps even a bit exciting, depending. You may feel you’ve lost control in some way, but realize new opportunities do exist.

Deal: You came up with a plan, feel optimistic, and begin to take next steps. You test the waters to see how they feel. If all feels good, your confidence builds and so does your commitment.

Play the Game: You are engaged with this new aspect or phase. You still reassess, but if you feel it’s going well, feel successful, you want it to continue. But as in any game, you still face challenges.

Toss In: Every cycle, whether considered a success or not, runs its course and it’s time for an ending or an upgrade. If an ending, you may wonder how you’ll manage to work through the cycle yet again—but you will. Momentum will slow as you enter the Shuffle phase to figure out what’s next.

What’s generally feared about this type of change is the unknown—what’s next and how you’ll handle yourself in the midst of it. Yet, without walking into the unknown from time to time (and every future moment is unknown), we enter stagnation. In time, stagnant waters offer nothing. Allow that some fear of change is natural, but let go of fearing the fear. Draw on your courage. Courage isn’t the absence of fear, but it is proactive. Action sets you free.

You are what you practice.
© 2010, Joyce Shafer

Does a Road Trip Parallel a Life Journey?

Do you ever wonder if you’re on the right road of your life? If this is or has been your experience, how did you manage yourself?

A friend and I took a road trip using her GPS to get us from New York City to Louisiana. We wanted to beat the anticipated July Fourth traffic, so left Thursday evening and drove until we stopped for the night.

The next morning we continued on the interstate highway marked as West. At 1:30 we’d been driving in the beautiful state of Virginia for a while and decided to stop for lunch. Afterwards, we got back in the car and the GPS directed us onto Highway 81 South. We immediately entered a Twilight Zone experience: No evidence of the west highway sign was anywhere and the highway looked completely different. We kept driving, trusting the GPS, though my friend re-entered the destination at each stop we made.

My friend’s boyfriend called and asked where we were.
“We’re on Highway 81 South in Virginia,” she told him.
“Aren’t you supposed to be going west?” he asked.
“I’m following the GPS,” she replied.

He called several times to see where we were, and each time my friend’s answer was the same: “We’re still in Virginia on 81 South,” and he’d exclaim, “You’re still in Virginia?!” He was genuinely concerned we were on the wrong road. My friend and I joked that if we were on the wrong road, all we had to do was go south until we hit Florida, then turn right. Her boyfriend confirmed we were on the right road (from his computer), though we didn’t cross the Virginia state line until 9:30 that night.

During that Virginia segment, we exited 81 South to get gas and refreshments. This exit turned out to be one that doesn’t tell you, until you’re off the highway, that the gas station is a several-mile trip—in our case, three miles back north. The GPS repeatedly said: “Recalculating,” giving directions for how to get back on the highway. My friend was not happy, initially, that we were going “backwards,” but we decided to make a joke of it and to take only exits obviously right off the highway.

Life is similar to a road trip, and we discussed this to some extent as we traveled.

Road Trip: You have a starting point and a destination, with a number of pauses along the way.
Life: You can only start from where you are, and it’s important to have a desired goal so you know where you want to go. For some this is an overall goal; others are better served by the next goal then the next. You may pause along the way to have a certain experience then get back on track.

Road Trip: You use a vehicle.
Life: Your skills, talents, and willingness to learn act as your vehicle to get you where you want to go.

Road Trip: You use an atlas or a GPS for guidance.
Life: You are blessed with intuition or gut feelings (whether you use this or not) and ability to reassess. People who listen to their intuition will tell you it’s always right, whereas ego-based logic is often faulty and not necessarily connected to what’s appropriate for you.

Road Trip: You need to periodically refuel your vehicle and yourself.
Life: You must feed your body and mind in ways that help you maintain momentum and fulfillment. You must rest to recharge.

Road Trip: You need to periodically visit a restroom and toss out any trash that accumulates.
Life: You have to eliminate what is no longer needed or no longer serves you (or never did) and keep your body, mind, emotions, spirit, and environment as uncluttered as you can so your journey is more comfortable. No one is at their best with a cluttered life.

Road Trip: Traveling with the right companion(s) makes any journey better.
Life: Appropriate others matter. We all need others, and we can accomplish far more when we connect with people who are heading in the same direction we are.

Road Trip: Take appropriate exits so you avoid back-tracking, which adds miles and time to your travels (though, you can turn this experience in your favor).
Life: You have a choice, and using your intuition will guide you. If you find you take a detour from your path and purpose, you can always get back on the right road.

Road Trip: Some roads are longer than you thought they would or should be.
Life: Relax and trust that any and every path you travel has a purpose and is therefore a “right” road for you—if you make it so. You want to keep this in mind, particularly when a progress segment seems to take longer than you or others think it should.

Road Trip: Find the positives and the humor. In our case we had perfect weather, light traffic for a major holiday weekend, and gorgeous scenery. We made light of whatever came up and found reasons to laugh.
Life: Use positive statements to support yourself along the way. Laugh rather than take so much too seriously. Appreciate what you see and discover. Our egos tend to get anxious when we find ourselves in unfamiliar territory. Tune in to the explorer and adventurer inside you.

My friend and I agreed to create a code to use whenever we feel unsure about our personal journeys: “I’m on 81 South.” (Everything seems unfamiliar. I’m not certain this is the right road; and this segment seems to be taking longer than anticipated.)

Despite appearances and opinions, it was the road that got us where we were going. Keep this in mind when you feel you’re on your true path and others doubt or question that you know what you’re doing. Reassess your true direction as needed.

You are what you practice.
© 2010, Joyce Shafer

Do You Rub Your Thoughts the Wrong Way?

There is a phrase, “That person rubs me the wrong way,” that basically means the person (though it also could be a situation) doesn’t make you feel good. You, at times, do this with your thoughts (most of us do); so what works to shift this?

Esther Hicks of Abraham fame has a video on YouTube, “Now Is Where All Your Power Is, Part 2,” where she likens feeding negative thoughts—any thoughts that take you out of feeling good—with rubbing your hand on sandpaper. You wouldn’t rub your hand on sandpaper for an extended period of time because it would hurt, remove skin, require healing, maybe lead to infection, and so on.

But, you will rub your thoughts in this way . . . because it’s a habit that seems logical. And, likely, nearly everyone you know does this from time to time. You may have worked yourself, or watched someone do this, into a frothy state of anger or upset—about something that isn’t even happening at that moment, or is long or long-enough over.

A good example of this is replaying in your mind and verbally repeating events you’ve labeled “negative” that happened in the past. How many times will you need to replay and repeat “negative” past events before you’ll feel better about them or change them to “positives” in the present moment? You may even do this when you anticipate negative events that “might” happen.

What does this habit allow you to do?

It doesn’t empower you. It doesn’t allow you to feel appreciation. It doesn’t allow you to feel aligned with what’s good in your life. It doesn’t open you to inspired ideas and creative solutions. It doesn’t allow more good in this specific category to come to you; and if more good does pierce that energy, you may not appreciate it fully.

It does present you with an opportunity (maybe even Opportunity No. 5,798) to ask different questions about it such as: What can I learn about myself from this? If I don’t like what I learn, how can I shift that? In what way does this make me feel disempowered? How can and will I empower myself about this? What does this opportunity allow me to do, and will I do it?

The tendency to use your thoughts like sandpaper comes from knowing that whatever causes you to feel out of alignment, negative, angered, hurt, fearful . . . wasn’t or hasn’t been resolved or addressed—within you—in a way that allows you to feel the way you want to feel. Maybe it is something you can address in the present, and maybe what you need to address is what you’re doing to yourself (and perhaps others) in the present.

You may feel it’s logical to place responsibility for how you feel, or shifting that, onto someone directly involved. How’s that worked for you so far? Maybe it worked in some way (like from manipulation), but do you feel self-empowered? If you give any person responsibility for how you choose to feel, then that person has the power, not you. And, even if you practice this denial of your power, you know it’s not true—because of the resistance you experience.

Here is a way to shift any thought about anything you use repeatedly like sandpaper on your psyche, whether from the past or now:

1. Notice that you’re doing it. Notice what you’re allowing yourself to feel and be by doing it. Notice it without judgment, because self-criticism is another form of sandpaper—a very coarse form.
2. Ask, “What part of this reflects something in me?” You may not like this fact, but anything you harbor resentment about is something you do in a similar way, even though it may appear as different—so “different,” you may not even recognize you’re repeating a pattern you detest in another. This level of self-assessment may not (initially) feel good, but it is extraordinarily powerful on many levels.
3. Ask, “What can I do about this that I will do?” One thing you can do is find something to appreciate about this. You can appreciate that you notice it, that you ask the right questions from a sincere desire to shift and self-empower. You can appreciate how this process leads to deeper understanding and compassion of and for yourself and others. You can appreciate the feeling of relief you get when you empower yourself to stop rubbing your thoughts the wrong way and rub them the right way.

You may also experience challenges about allowing what you say you want into your life. Any thought about what you desire that rubs the wrong way, will slow or prevent what you want coming to you. It’s like saying No or Not Yet.

When this habit surfaces, you can diffuse it with this question: Does allowing this thought pattern support me to move forward, self-empower, and feel the way I want to feel now? If it needs addressing, address it. Otherwise, find and use a thought pattern that lifts your mind and emotions from the sandpaper. The most immediate relief is to stop doing it when you notice you’re doing it.

You are what you practice.
© 2010, Joyce Shafer

Do You Feel Authentic?

Do you ever feel afraid to be as you are? See if actor Patrick Stewart’s story and these comments help you think or feel differently about this.

Tavis Smiley interviewed Patrick Stewart (Captain Picard in Star Trek: The Next Generation). The topic of Stewart’s famed hairless dome came up, and Stewart revealed he was as bald by age nineteen as he is today; and that for years, he wore a comb-over. His defining moment came after lunch at the home of a Hungarian black belt Judo player, who was also a director, and his wife. The couple left the room—Stewart thought to make coffee. He was grabbed from behind and held by his strong friend while the wife used scissors to snip off the comb-over. Stewart was furious. His friend let him go then knelt in front of him and said, “Now, be yourself! No more hiding.”

The dictionary has several definitions of authentic including “that is in fact as represented; genuine; real” and “true to its type; conforming to an original in style, methods, etc.”

You could say the first definition above refers to “walk your talk.” We usually start out talking more than “walking,” but with the intention to catch up as soon as possible. This is especially true when we’re processing inner-level matters we wish to shift. That “between place” is authentic, even if it seems counterintuitive to think of it this way—because it’s where we are as we aim to move forward. Each of us always has to start where we are.

The second definition is intriguing because of the words “conforming to an original”—because the original you must conform to in order to be authentic is you. Yet, how often do we view ourselves as original, unique—which we undeniably are; and we hesitate or fail to honor and celebrate this. Usually, this is because elements of society have imposed beliefs upon us such as attractiveness looks “this” way, intelligence is expressed “this” way, true success looks like “this,” and other similar statements.

It took Michelangelo three years to carve his David statue, to carve an exquisite image from something “fixed” in nature—marble. We, however, are not fixed in nature because we have the ability to self-learn and self-adjust. We are the sculptor and the clay of ourselves, which is as it was meant to be. Even if diamonds in the rough, we are more exquisite than any work of art or ancient architecture—because we are the creators of such works, or can be, even if on a much smaller scale.

We tend to think that being authentic means we are 100 percent certain about every aspect of ourselves, all the time. What a set-up for frustration. What if the truth is you’re always authentic, but don’t perceive it that way? Do you feel confused about something? Then, be with that—feel authentically confused so you can find what needs to be chipped away or molded until you’re clear about that particular matter. Confused is not inauthentic, it’s an authentic aspect asking for clarity—clarity about what is appropriate for you.

Authenticity is who you are—what you feel—in each moment, and the choices you make from that inner place. You may desire to perceive yourself as your most excellent self, but that’s something you can choose each and every moment—because you are changed in some way by each and every moment.

You are never inauthentic. Dissatisfied, perhaps; but always authentically you, with all your perceived “positives” and “negatives.”

Question: If a “negative” leads to a “positive,” is it truly, wholly a negative? If the “negative” had never appeared or happened, would the positive still have manifested?

Would the character of Captain Picard have impressed us as we were if he’d worn a comb-over? We may not have friends who will take such measures as Stewart’s did, which means we have the responsibility to “snip our own comb-overs” and say, “Now, be yourself! No more hiding.”

D. A. Battista said, "The scars you acquire by exercising courage will never make you feel inferior." It’s possible that when someone feels “inauthentic,” s/he may mean “inferior” in some way. “Inferior” is a layer of limiting beliefs hiding a unique being craving to feel true to the Self and afraid for some reason to be it, whatever that is in each changing moment.

Authentic is aware, attentive, and able to adjust as needed. It’s not “perfect” or completed before its time. Even if you hesitate to trust your authenticity, and even if you must take gradual steps to allow yourself to feel your authenticity in each moment, feel the courage within you—in your best interest and right timing—and be comfortable with what is original about you. Do this and you’ll exchange feeling inauthentic for feeling enlivened. Authentic is a state of mind.

You are what you practice.

How Would You Answer This Simple Happiness Question?

Do you ever compare where you are now in your life to where others are, or to where you thought you should be by this time? If you do and don’t feel happy, the question and comments here may help.

I have a friend who recently set up a Facebook page and began to reconnect with long-lost friends, learning who was doing what now. She shared that temporary depression settled upon her, as she compared her life now to the lives of some she connected with. I say “temporary” because she eventually realigned her true feelings about this. My friend is, in the main, happy in her life and has good reason to be.

“Back in the day,” others saw her as a leader, a person going places, high places, in her life. The reality is a health condition started nearly two decades ago and altered that “predictable” path. She felt she’d let everyone down because she isn’t in a high-powered position or owns her own company, or whatever else she and they may have expected, and as some of her friends experience. (I add here that we never know a person’s complete story, despite what their successes appear to be. And sometimes, even when we know what’s not working in their lives, we still dwell on something they have that we feel we lack.)

Comparing ourselves to others has a not-so-funny way of making us forget in what measure we’re actually happy with where and who we are. No one lives a life without challenges or feeling a range of emotions; but we are often generally happier, for the most part, than we recognize.

As I thought about what I wanted to say to my friend, an image came to mind and I share it with you here.

Imagine you enter a magnificent hall. There’s a table in the middle of the room and you walk up to it. There’s only one thing on the table: a beautifully bound book with your name engraved on the cover. You open the book to the first page and find this written on it:

Please choose one of the following two options. Know that whichever one you choose will design the map of your life. Question: Do you choose to do and be what makes others happy and win their approval or do you choose to be happy?

I pictured posing these options to a child of age four. It seems easy to imagine a child choosing to be happy—because the child wouldn’t have a clue what the first option might take to succeed at it, but is, likely, darn sure she or he knows what “happy” is.

As adults, and if we’re honest about it, we’ve learned how exhausting the first option can be; yet, we may still feel conflicted about choosing the second option because we’re indoctrinated by our families and every element of society to go for the first one.

In my image, the page with that question appears periodically so we can revisit this choice at different life stages. However, it isn’t beyond imagination that this page “appears” in our life book whenever we think it’s time to consider our options again, especially when we feel we aren’t living an authentic life and, possibly, aren’t even sure what that means to us after years of disregarding it.

The pain of inner discontent drives us to seek external balms and remedies, to seek instant gratifications, which are usually just bandages covering emotional bruises or wounds about authenticity. But these externals and pursuit of or craving for them does not address what begs for nourishment inside of us. Whatever word(s) we use—secure, prosperous, successful, loved, and so on—we ultimately want to feel good, in harmony, about who we are. We’ve become confused about how we can arrive there after years of asking ourselves what others expect of us—so we’re accepted and approved of—instead of what we want for ourselves.

I recently read, “There are many types of success and they aren’t all about getting ahead.” To be consumed with external, tangible success completely or more than inner, intangible success smacks of “I’ll be happy when” thinking/feeling. That kind of thinking/feeling ignores present-moment happiness, which is a form of self-abuse.

We forget to count our successes that no one can measure but us, because we’re conditioned to focus on how others think we measure up. If we remembered to genuinely appreciate all our successes often, we’d feel a great deal happier. We can also look at any area of our life we feel needs a positive shift and ask, “What can I do—that I will do—to allow me to do better than this?” It doesn’t have to be huge, just effective. Don’t talk about it; start where you are, and do something differently.

So, the question is: Do you choose to do and be what makes others happy and win their approval or do you choose to be happy? Like the four-year-old child—are you clear about what that overall feeling means to you?

You are what you practice.

You’re welcome to reprint this article as long as you use my complete bio.

You Are More! Empowerment Coach Joyce Shafer, author of I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, but I Have Something to Say (jls1422@yahoo.com). Find out how to get Design Your Magnetic Life and Business Vision free, see her books and e-books, and read her current free weekly newsletter at http://stateofappreciation.webs.com

Do You Possess Your Life or Do You Endure It?

Here is a partial line from a P.D. James novel: “. . . preserving always the same look of puzzled acceptance of a life which had to be endured rather than possessed.” Do you possess or endure your life (or any part of it) at this moment?

Every day, each of us endures something, even if inconveniences of greater or lesser magnitude—considering some endure much more than most of us will ever have to think about or ever want to.

If you find you face a challenge or situation you believe you can do nothing about, take possession of it, meaning take possession of how you relate to it.

When you take possession of something, you take care of it and care for it; or, at least, that is the idea and responsibility of possession. Yet, self-possession is not the message most people are given about their lives, their self-worth, or their personal happiness and fulfillment.

Do you feel you possess all aspects of your life?

In order to do and be that, you’d have to possess your beliefs, feelings, thoughts, words, and actions—and your ability to shift into this owner mode when something rattles you out of harmony (please release the belief that you are “supposed” to stay in one emotional state of being at all times).

You’d have to possess or own the choices you’ve made and the outcomes they’ve created up to this moment (preferably as life lessons rather than reasons to self-judge), and as you continue forward. You’d have to decide if what you experience causes you to endure life or to live what you desire, “desire” meaning you deliberately choose how you wish to experience yourself and your moments, and from what chosen level of awareness.

Henry Ford said, "Don't find fault, find a remedy."

You can decide to take possession of what you choose to feel and do about whatever you feel you endure. When you do this, you are on your way to finding a remedy, first at the inner level, which may resolve an outer level matter. I say “may resolve” because though the inner level experience is always a priority (because it’s where YOU live), there are occasions when an outcome is a undesirable given and you have a responsibility to yourself to engage it in a way that supports you to have the highest level experience you can. This applies to those times when you find yourself in a scenario you believe you never would have chosen. But, what are you going to do with it? How and who will you choose to BE at such times?

There are aspects of your life you wholly possess at this time and, possibly, others you endure. Look at each part you endure and ask yourself how you might possess it.

On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “Not At All” and 10 being “Completely,” how much do you feel in possession of your life? What about how you choose to feel about your experiences? If, say, you’re at 6 for either of these, what would you be willing to do to make them an 8?

What might it feel and look like if you endure your life?
What might it feel and look like if you possess it?

Here’s a thought to play with:

Let’s say you believe your outer life reflects your inner life (emotionally-charged thoughts and beliefs); or stated another way, your outer life (experiences and outcomes) are created by your inner beliefs and thoughts. Now think of the holodeck in the Star Trek programs. If you were using the holodeck and wanted to alter something (scenery, character, story/plot, etc.), which would be more genuinely effective: trying to change something in the hologram or altering the program/pattern in the computer to affect the hologram? A change attempted at the outer level must start at the inner. You know this, but do you always give it proper attention or realize its point-of-origin importance?

There’s a fast-food philosophy about “change”: It’s supposed to happen overnight or nearly that. If you gain an extra twenty pounds, you don’t do it overnight. Neither do you lose it overnight. And a crash weight loss program may create a desired outcome, but it won’t last and it isn’t healthy. You haven’t taken possession of a healthier lifestyle. There’s no philosophical difference between how you effectively approach weight loss for the body from “weight loss” for your behaviors.

If you’re ready to wholly possess your life, start with understanding you have a right and responsibility to yourself to do it. Let go of the crash-diet approach and allow yourself to make choices about what supports you as you move forward—one “pound” (aspect) at a time. Whatever you can and cannot alter, seek head and heart alignment about any choice, and you will keep yourself on course and enjoy and appreciate the journey more.

You are what you practice.

You’re welcome to reprint this article as long as you use my complete bio.

You Are More! Empowerment Coach Joyce Shafer, author of I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, but I Have Something to Say (jls1422@yahoo.com). Details, her books and e-books, and current free weekly newsletter at http://stateofappreciation.webs.com

Where Did THAT Belief Come From?!

You’re aware many of your beliefs were imposed on you—and you’re working on this (yes?). See if you’ve ever had a subconscious belief similar to one I was surprised to recently discover.

A cold wind interrupted our early, warmer spring weather. I woke and felt chilled air from my partially opened window and smiled at the warm comfort of my bed. I felt deep appreciation for the comfort and the moment—and that delicious feeling was immediately followed by guilt on behalf of those who may not have a warm bed in their own space. Where did that come from, I asked myself?

I flashed back to when I was six or seven years old, dawdling over a lunch I didn’t particularly like. I heard my grandmother say what was likely said to her, “Eat! There are starving people in (whatever country) who would be grateful to have that food.”

I considered several substrata layers of that surface thought:
You have to “eat” (accept) even what you don’t feel is appropriate for you or desirable. (This can tilt into settling for less in any area of your life or permitting forms of abuse.)
Whatever you feel is inappropriate or undesirable for you, you have no right to your feelings (dissatisfaction is inappropriate) or to want something better for yourself (who do you think you are), because others have less and would be grateful to have what you have or have been given.
You should feel grateful for whatever you have AND guilty because if you have anything, remember there are others who don’t have even that much. Somehow, what you have (been given, earned, acquired) directly connects to what others don’t (or don’t go after). And somewhere inside that thought is a responsibility for their situation that you should absorb—and feel bad about.

This reminds me of something Wayne Dyer said, and I’m paraphrasing: You can never be hungry enough to feed all the people who have no food. I assure you I was stunned to realize any guilt about having a modest comfort was roiling around in my psyche.

A statement intended to make sure a child received nourishment locked in way more than it was meant to. It locked in guilt as a stronger emotion than appreciation, which wears many “masks.” It locked in a holistic, circular relationship with beliefs about lack. What kind of vibrational matching or order fulfillment will that create? Not the desired one, that’s for sure. What opportunities for self-sabotage exist through that belief?

Reread the paraphrased Dyer statement. How many of your desired outcomes have subconscious guilt statements attached to them? Have you ever experienced a similar fleeting thought (or another) and ignored it? I’m almost willing to bet you’ve had them and brushed them away like an annoying insect. Next time this happens, pay attention. If not then, as soon as you have or can create a quiet moment to look at it and assess its implications in your life.

We learn beliefs, and we can unlearn them. We can decide to keep or not any belief imposed on and absorbed by us, no matter the source. If any belief withholds a fulfilling life from us, we have a responsibility to give it real thought and reassessment.

It doesn’t matter how “evolved” you are after applying yourself to self-improvement and new thought, such beliefs long-buried deeply in your psyche will surface—if they aren’t already obvious. Let go of any embarrassment about this, it’s not useful. A natural part of the self-evolving process is to open to such moments so you can engage them and let go of them—see them for what they are and aren’t.

Do a quick check-in on some of your beliefs. Pay attention to the first answer that pops into your mind. Then look at particular experiences and see if they match what came up.

Men/Women are . . .
My relationship with money is “destined” to be . . .
Love is . . .
My self-worth is based on . . .
That race/culture is . . .
Aging is . . .
If I make a mistake . . .
If I do what is appropriate for me . . .
My right to success is . . .
I can feel lovable or worthy of love only when . . .

We take a limiting belief and act as if it’s real, as though it’s the truth. Every belief is acted on automatically through our thoughts, feelings, words, choices, and actions. Then, we are not surprised—or are—by our experiences and results. Even when we attempt to change at the conscious level, we don’t realize our subconscious still accepts the ingrained belief—until we see it, let it go, and grab onto one that supports us.

We’ve been conditioned to measure everything by results instead of what motivates us. We are motivated and directed—aware of this or not—by our conscious and subconscious beliefs. A good question about anything is what do you believe and who do you believe it for? If it’s not for you, what would you like to do about it?

Doing more of the same—thoughts, feelings, words, beliefs, actions—will not bring you different results.

Here’s a mental exercise from the training manual created by Bruce Schneider, Founder of iPEC (Institute for Professional Excellence in Coaching). It works best if you allow private time to align with the feeling of it as a “real” experience.

“Imagine that you have just awakened from a night’s rest and whatever challenge you have come here with was miraculously overcome while you were sleeping. The challenge was completely solved overnight; but you were sleeping, and so you didn’t know it was solved. You wake up and something is different. You inherently know that something is different, that something must have happened during the night. What is the first thing you notice that confirms that something actually did happen?”

Out-of-balance beliefs create tension. Tension reminds you to return to the truth: You are an infinite creative consciousness deliberately having a human experience.

You are what you practice.

Feel free to reprint this article. Just include my bio as a complete statement.

(Test-drive Reinvent Yourself. Visit the Empowerment Extras page on my State of Appreciation Website to see how you can get Implement 3—Design Your Magnetic Life and Business Vision free!) Self-Doubters & Second-Guessers: learn to trust and follow what is natural, fulfilling, and even fun for you in life or business. Let Reinvent Yourself: Refuse to Settle for Less in Life and Business e-book or coaching program show you how. You Are More! Empowerment Coach Joyce Shafer, author of I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, but I Have Something to Say (jls1422@yahoo.com). Details, her books and e-books, and current free weekly newsletter at http://stateofappreciation.webs.com

Is Your Wall Actually a Bridge?

It can happen when you start something new or bump into something old: you feel contrasts that seem like walls. What if a wall is really a bridge in disguise?

Someone I know mentioned a desire to start using guided meditation as part of her process not only to learn to relax but also manage and shift some of her habitual thoughts. I gave her a CD I had. The next morning she shared she didn’t think it would help. Every time the speaker instructed her to imagine something, she experienced a contrast. The contrasts that surfaced in her mind caused her to charge up negative associations. Instead of relaxing, she got more and more tense. Her initial and understandable judgment was that she’d hit a wall, or several, and couldn’t go any further.

The opportunity is she can observe where her thoughts lead her feelings to go, and which ones don’t work in her best interest or create the type experiences she truly desires—the most important bit being how she can choose what to feel—no matter what. This is a key point because . . .

What we ultimately want is a way to consistently return ourselves to the feeling state we desire when we’re pulled off center. If we think we want to change others or events that trigger reactions, we misplace our focus and wonder why our results don’t match our desired experience.

When you start something new, you’re like an untested rubber band that’s never been stretched in that particular way. You may feel constricted because of this or actually constrict against it.

When you perceive you face a wall and can’t move forward, the temptation is to believe what you perceive, call it a day, and go back the way you came. If you knew there was a switch that converted a wall into a bridge that led to a better place, would you look for it?

You may find the Power Tool I use as a switch beneficial.

I’ve divided thoughts into two worlds, and consider each as games I can “play.”

The limited world—
The power is outside of me.
This world embraces struggle, working long and hard, believing what experiences look like.
The past has more influence than this moment.
Worry and negative anticipation make sense.
Abundance, prosperity, joy, creativity, and ease are not my natural states.
What I think, believe, and feel have no effect on what I experience, because these are influenced by my outer experiences and others.
Any other form of limitation, whether inner or outer, lives here.

The Unlimited World is opposite of the Limited one.

Which of these worlds do you occupy or play in more often?

I make it a point to notice my thoughts and ask which world they belong to, which game they support me to play. This may seem simplistic, but asking myself this question has become an invaluable way for me to quickly refocus my energy and aim at my true targets. It’s a process that allows me to determine if a wall (perception, assumption, belief) is actually a bridge to a better game and experience.

You may feel that paying attention to your thoughts is like adding one more task to an already long list. But, what happens as you consistently do this is you lighten your load. All those non-supportive thoughts are like differently sized and weighted stones you carry in a sack over your shoulder. Recognize that you had to, at one time, pick them up and place them in the sack. Only you can pull each one out, look at it, and decide whether or not to keep lugging it with you.

Contrasting thoughts are not ones to avoid. If you manage them properly, you open a bridge that leads to more joyful, fulfilling experiences.

If joy, ease, and fulfillment are your desired experiences, get your e-copy of Reinvent Yourself: Refuse to Settle for Less in Life and Business today, or learn about the coaching program. Joyce Shafer is a Life Empowerment Coach and author of I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, but I Have Something to Say (jls1422@yahoo.com). Get 8 FREE life-enhancing e-books, all of her e-books at a bargain—plus a gift (Discovering Your Life Purpose), and see her services at http://joyceshafer-ebookbundle.webs.com

Do You Feed Negativity?

When negativity knocks at your door, do you recognize it and send it away? Or do you invite it in for dinner, or worse, to stay with you as long as it likes—possibly for your lifetime?

First, be clear that being the manager of negativity in your life isn’t about the fact you have negative thoughts or feelings—you will. It isn’t about eliminating negative thoughts and feelings so you never experience them again—that’s not realistic. It is about training your conscious mind to notice such thoughts and feelings when they appear, and to recognize the different “costumes” negativity wears. You can’t manage negativity until you recognize and own how you engage it.

Whatever costume negativity puts on, what’s really embodied is fear. You might call it anger or another emotion, but underlying any negative emotion is fear—the fear you’ll lose something. This has everything to do with living in your personal power.

Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross said, “Natural anger lasts for only about seventeen seconds.” This means the actual emotion you feel (any negative emotion) has its full-charge expression for that period of time. Past that, your conscious (and subconscious) mind takes over, usually engaging in reactions related to whatever fear was triggered.

When fear is triggered, you may project a negative future vision. You may pull up old memories to support why you feel the way you do. You’d call this justification for the reaction. What it really is, is feeding negativity—because you aren’t focused on what you can do that’s productive; you’re focused on self-preservation at any cost. Depending on your habitual reaction mode, you may close up like a telescope or let your sharp claws and teeth out.

Here are several common forms of negativity you may feed (or feed on)—
*Prejudice of ANY kind (race, religion, financial status, etc.)
*Demonstrating lack of self-respect or respect for others (if you do one, you do the other)
*Unproductive criticism (everyone needs to vent; but there’s a productive way to do this)
Replaying past events as though they’re still happening (which only triggers more negative emotions in the present)
*Allowing more “news” into your life than you really need to know (this includes any form of “entertainment” or “information” that creates extraneous negative feelings for you about anything that doesn’t have a direct impact on your life or how you choose to engage it)
*Intentionally negative “humor” or comments (sadly, the ability to slam someone with hurtful words, directly or indirectly, is considered a prized trait)
*Paying more attention to what others are doing than what you’re doing
*Telling jokes or using comments to bash others (gender-bashing is top of this list)
*Stating speculations then acting as though they’re facts (ignoring that maybe you don’t have enough information)
*Using the words “always” and “never” (or labels), especially when you assign them to others’ behaviors (which closes your mind to allowing they “could” one day be different)

You can add more to this list as they occur to you. A good question to ask yourself whenever you do one of these is, “What fear is underneath this for me, and how can I address it appropriately?”

Feeding negativity is a learned habit. You can
1. Acknowledge you engage in it.
2. Remind yourself to get your own attention about this. Author Guy Finley said, “No intention can be any stronger than our ability to remember it in the moment that it is needed.”
3. Start now to begin to do things differently. Choose to ask if your attitude, words, and actions are aligned with opening the path for a desired productive experience and outcome. There’s a difference in telling someone you feel angry and why and asking them to participate in a mutually beneficial resolution, and verbally attacking them. There’s a difference in telling yourself what you feel, why you feel it, and considering what you can do rather than entering the negative vortex.
4. Consider how you really see your authentic self. It isn’t that you have to suppress your personality or nature. It isn’t that you have to deny and keep quiet about what you really feel. It’s about what you do from there and how you do it. What do you really want to feed—as your experience and what you believe about yourself? If you don’t believe in your personal power, and right to live from it, how can you expect to act from there?

Train yourself to respond more often than you react; and acknowledge that will take conscious energy management. Reactions happen when you feel events or others have more power than you do. They don’t; that’s an illusion. They can only have as much power over you as you give them.

Any person or event that tests your personal power is an opportunity for you to pause and consider how you really see yourself: are you a volunteer victim or someone who looks out for your best interests—with integrity? If you feed (or feed on) negativity on a consistent basis, it can seem nearly impossible to feel you embody personal power.

Personal power is not a way of acting—it’s a way of BEing, even if you have to BEcome it one more-consciously-aware moment at a time.

Compare how much time you give to negative thoughts, feelings, words, and actions to the time you apply these to what makes you feel authentic, joyful, intentional, fulfilled—living on purpose.

No matter what’s going on around you, you always choose how to experience and process it. When you embrace this as a fact, you stand in your personal power. The more you do this, the more your innate power expands.

Feed negativity or feed intentional living. The choice is yours.

Say Goodbye to New Year Resolutions

No, it isn’t too early to consider this; it is exactly the right time. The very things you do or don’t do about resolutions are what you do right now. And, you can do them differently starting today.

First, it’s important to understand why resolutions you make any time fizzle out. For one, you may feel a strong desire for something to shift or change, but if your commitment to make it happen doesn’t match your desire, you’ll do what’s convenient (for a while or forever) rather than what it takes.

Another reason is maybe you aren’t clear on your why—why you really want what you say you do. The reason you think you want something may be buried under layers, hiding your real reason—which is a feeling you wish to have and keep. For example, if you want to reduce the numbers on a weight scale, what’s your why? If it’s so the opinion of others about you will be what you want it to be, that’s a formula for failure and an unpleasant experience.

Sometimes the absence of an effective plan is what causes the fizzle. What is an effective plan? It’s something you have head and heart alignment about or stated a less woo-woo way, are fully committed to and enthusiastic about. Resolution means you are resolved, intentional.

There are key steps to take in order to fulfill any desire and say goodbye to resolutions you don’t keep.

You have to have your Self aligned with what you say you want. If every day you replay images of yourself as not having your desired outcome—what it feels like to not have it, you aren’t fully open to ways you can make it happen more easily and with less effort. Whether you call this energy or attitude management, it’s important. You can’t feel hopeless and effect positive change. A small shift from “this is awful” to “there is a way” does make a difference, simply because one closes you off to inspired ideas and actions and the other keeps you open to them.

I’ve heard people state that anger is the motivation that moves them into action. Well, that is a step up from hopeless or apathetic, but actions taken from anger are not always the best ones to take. You might feed a need in the moment, but what do you intend to build long-term? How do you feel once the anger need is satisfied? It’s important to feel what you feel, but is it the best and only place you wish to or think you can act from? Is this state of being your desired one?

There are two ways to make a plan. One way is motivated by fear and/or frustration. It leads to long hours, agitated energy, and lots of activity that may not actually be productive.

The other way is to take a little time to get clear on what you really want then align your energy or attitude in a way that keeps you open to inspired ideas and actions, open to right timing, right people, right opportunities, and right resources.

You may be conditioned to believe that worry, strain, stress, frustration, criticism, and other such “motivators” are effective ways to create change, but how’s that working for you?

It’s also key that you put your attention on what really creates shift. You’ve been told you can’t succeed without a goal, without strategy, without a plan. These are tools that help you stay on track, but they aren’t what really make things happen.

Tremendous shifts happen, desired outcomes and even better ones happen, and your experience of your life is more effortlessly fulfilling when you take your main focus off outcomes and place it on the creative process and you as the creator—the inventor, engineer, or pilot of how you experience your life, at the inner and material levels.

This isn’t pie-in-the-sky thinking. When you do this, you build a foundation that is so strong, you can construct anything your truly desire on top of it . . . because what you build is self-trust, self-esteem, and self-empowerment.

Whatever you tell yourself you want through your New Year resolutions or resolutions at any time of the year, those three Self attributes are what lie underneath your reasons. You want to believe in yourself completely and from an authentic perspective, not a perspective of trying to get the approval of others—though that may happen as a side-effect.

You really do have the right to know what is appropriate and fulfilling for you and to go for it. You really can identify what would be ideal for you—the ideal relationship, business, holiday experience, self-image, and so on.

What’s probably causing you to feel fizzled-out is that you’ve never taken the time—or the courageous stand—to define what your ideals are for YOU in the different areas of your life.

How can you go for what you really want if you don’t even know what it is? A resolution is only as good as your clearly defined image of it, your commitment, your why, your enthusiasm, and your alignment with it.

Start now. It’s neither too early—nor too late.