Does Perfectionism Impede Your Life Experience?

Do you confuse being authentic or successful with being perfect? How’s that working for you so far, or for those you know who practice this?

Perfectionists believe their value or worth (especially self-worth) as individuals is arrived at by virtue of what they do perfectly or by being seen as perfect or always right, rather than by who they are at their core (like the rest of us) or what they can contribute. They may apply this philosophy to others, as well. When they or others don't perform to their standards—even if those standards are unrealistic, which perfectionism always is—they seldom, if ever, pause to ask what is working right, and why, and how they can expand this into areas that would benefit from improvements. (A perfectionist—and proud of it—boss I worked for once said he didn’t want to focus on what was working right, only on what was wrong. You can imagine how much fun he was to work with.)

A favorite thought or saying of someone affected by perfectionism might be: "If everyone would just do what they are supposed to, everything would be the way it is supposed to be," as though life has a strict blueprint to be followed by everyone. These types “should” on people quite often. We might wish this blueprint concept were so at times, both for ourselves and for those we interact with, so life could seem easier and clear-cut, but that’s just not the way it is.

Thinking this way is actually more about how the perfectionist feels about himself or herself than it is about the others they aim this thought at. I’ve even known perfectionists who believe others should be mind-readers so they know what the perfectionist expects, without having to be told. Sometimes, anticipating what another expects or needs works out or is a good idea, but most of the time, we’re a bit busy focusing on other things, including our own issues, desires, and needs. Mind-reading shouldn’t be a requirement placed on anyone.

During life empowerment coach training, we learned that all of us must start where we are, acknowledge what is in the moment, and then move forward from there. Over the course of our lives, most of us have witnessed scenarios where someone insisted on nothing less than perfection from themselves and others. Perhaps we've even done this, to some extent, ourselves. Not only is perfectionism not realistic, it isn’t a goal—really, it isn’t, though many try to make it so for themselves and others. If you practice perfectionism, how can you accept where you are right now in order to influence where you intend to go and how you will experience your journey along the way, in a manner that cuts out a lot of the frustration and stress perfectionism causes? And if you can’t accept and allow this about yourself, how can you practice compassion, understanding, support, and encouragement with others?

Perfectionists, in my experience at least, do not have a tendency to focus on conscious awareness or personal growth—or if they do, they feel their inner work is deep when it’s actually shallow. This is because they are too focused on being perceived as right and unflawed. What an exhausting and frustrating way to live, for the perfectionist and those they live or interact with. Someone who is always right or unflawed (or, rather, deeply craves to be seen as such so they can believe this about themselves) can’t afford to demonstrate a need to do the inner work. That would mean something was “wrong” with them. Their egos don’t set to that place on their life and personal development dial. There’s either growth or there’s stagnation: the choice is ours.

What would a person's experiences, and the world as a whole, look like if we understood that life is an ever-changing process and that we process life and influence our reality through the thoughts, feelings, and actions we choose each moment to accommodate the changes we encounter? People who strive for perfection often have difficulty making decisions and moving forward, or when they do make decisions or move forward, it isn’t as enjoyable or fulfilling for them as it might be—or, likely, for others involved. It's no wonder they have trouble doing so! Take a moment to think about their energy and where that energy is focused. It's all about the individual and their ego-aspect’s demanding needs. It's constrictive rather than creative and or collaborative. It’s about doing for the sake of approval, not Being for the sake of having a fulfilling life experience.

Empowerment comes from embracing the perfection inherent in what is seemingly imperfect, as well as the imperfection in what is seemingly perfect. Who cannot recall having an experience that appeared, at first, to be negative only to discover a valuable purpose in it or for it at some later time? Or maybe the opposite happened and what seemed ideal turned out not to be. Why did this realization happen, if it’s happened to you? Because you processed the experience at an inner and outer level, no matter how long it took for that to happen.

When we actively, consciously engage in process, we waste nothing that comes to us as an experience to help us expand conscious awareness and grow from there. Perfectionists are not interested in process, as a rule, because of what I mentioned earlier: it may mean there’s something about them they need to work on or balance, and that can be a too-painful realization for them.

Process allows us to discover more of what we can about ourselves in relation to everyone and every situation that enters our lives. It is our opportunity to decide how to move forward, how to grow. Perfectionism stops us where we stand, even if we appear to move forward in our outer lives. It is an illusion, and it traps and constricts us because the life experience is not authentic and flowing, but forced. Illusions eventually get revealed as what they are. You want a stronger inner foundation and outer experience than this.

Perfection has rigid rules and is, as I said, not realistic. Excellence, however, is doable, attainable, and realistic. Excellence allows for creative expression and for us to move forward to the next level as we move along in our lives. Perfectionists believe there is only one level: perfection, which is an enervating path to follow. Those who aim at excellence realize there’s always a next level to aim for and go to, that we do learn from missteps, which is an innovative and life-affirming path to follow.

Every moment and experience provides us with an opportunity to assess what we want to glean from it, how we want to use it, and how we can grow from it. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.       

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Do You Attach Untrue Stories to Experiences?

A simple action sent me back, in memory, to the first time I became aware of attaching an untrue story to an experience. See if you recognize your own predilection or habit of doing this.

I needed to open a new pint of Half & Half. The container had that opening that requires you pull the flaps just right to create the V-shaped spout. I started the pull and had a flashback.

I don’t recall my age, but I was old enough to get myself ready for school without adult supervision (but still quite young). I needed to open a new half-gallon of milk for my cereal. It was the same type of container as the H&H I mentioned above, and my first time of having to open that type of container. The process of making a precise V opening did not go well. The thick paper stuck and I had to use a fork to pry it apart, which created a messy pour spout that sent the milk in many directions.

I attached a story to the experience that went something like this: “This is supposed to be simple and I made a botch of it. Mom always opens it perfectly.” (I was young enough to believe I lacked the required skill—For All Time!)

All manner of thoughts and assumptions got played with about perfectionism (as though a botched container opening was actually important in the grand scheme of things), scientific—adhesive, cold, moisture, tension (the other kind, not my own); self-confidence/self-esteem issues—which really got played up because . . .

The next time I had to open the same type of container, do you think I was thinking like The Little Engine That Could or I Don’t Want to Botch This but I Did Last Time and Now I’m Afraid (I’m Certain) I’m Going to Do It Again!

You might say such intensity of thought about this was overkill. You might even attribute it to my being a child at the time. However, we carry this kind of thinking process with us into adulthood whenever something doesn’t go exactly as expected, or each time we’re deciding to or about to take a “similar” action—or at least similar in some manner in our subconscious mind interpretation.

This botching, this being thwarted by that type of container, happened a few more times until, as I was standing there dreading to “fail” yet again, a thought came to me (though, I use present-day words, and past tense, to describe it here):

It happened the first time because it happened. I couldn’t explain why it happened, it just did. But, each time I had to open a new container, I repeated the botched job in my mind’s eye before I took action—I anticipated it. Each time I did that, my young energy felt increasingly anxious; and the expected result happened. If I could see it happening that way and it did, then, if I saw my hands and the container working as intended, it might botch, but it also might be the result I wanted. I did understand that I’d have a calmer experience by seeing it going well. And, it did.

From then on I got into that better mental space whenever I had to open such a container. Did the containers always open “perfectly?” Not always, but I no longer took it personally if that happened.

Beneficial Process: You suffer over most matters because of a belief. Often, the belief is, “This shouldn’t be happening.” Pain is inevitable; suffering is optional. What core belief do you have about your issue or situation? Does this belief serve you? How does this belief show up in your life? How do you feel about this? Scale how you feel at this moment with 1 being the least intense and 10 being the most. Allow that number to be okay because it’s honestly where you are and you intend to shift this, even if just a little. Ask yourself if you feel okay about making even a small shift now. Think of a similar time when you had a similar feeling (it doesn’t have to be a similar matter or situation, just that you felt similarly then to how you do now) and it worked out. How did you manage yourself or work that one out? Maybe you used an inner process, an outer process, or both. What worked then and how can you use what you did then now?

We attach stories to experiences—beyond the actual experience (it’s a learned behavior). Just pay attention to the story you attach (and why) because it’s likely you’re going to repeat it to yourself, and possibly others, and then believe it. You may even act as if it’s true, when it isn’t.

You are what you practice.

[Process excerpted from Reinvent Yourself: Refuse to Settle for Less in Life and Business]

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Has Approval Been Your “Currency” Exchange in Life, Business, and Relationships?

All the strategies, systems, programs, books you’ve invested in that haven’t shifted your prosperity or life experience may have missed one key point. You may not realize approval, rather than value-for-value, is your imprinted “currency” exchange.

Expectations and limiting beliefs introduced to us in early years become invisible residents in our non-physical “bones.” They also morph—change form and function—as we grow into adults.

When we’re children and we experience events we feel are unfair or limiting, we tell ourselves as soon as we’re adults we’ll never allow those things to happen again. Only, that isn’t what usually happens. What happens is we find subtle ways to repeat them—at least, the underlying theme of them. We are drawn to and draw to us people and situations that make sure these patterns are repeated. Because that’s exactly what they are—patterns. And, they are familiar.

“People-pleaser” is a term known by many, and lived by many. People-pleasers are not born, they are created. It’s natural to want approval; it’s the out-of-balance reason for wanting it—and needing it in an unhealthy quantity—that can turn life into a hamster-wheel experience rather than a joyful, fulfilling one.

If any aspect of your formative years imprinted you with the belief that you were not good enough as you are and as you were becoming, you may have chosen one of these two paths: a consistent exhausting, frustrating effort to win approval or you gave up trying and resolved to do only what you had to do to survive—you decided to settle for less in every area of your life. Maybe you even merged the two.

An out-of-balance need for approval can manifest as perfectionism, procrastination, lack of belief in self, self-sabotage, fear of following your dreams, and even fear of naming your dreams—especially if your dreams might not win approval you seek from one or more individuals. Add some of the negative prosperity beliefs such as some are lucky, some are not; the only way you can succeed is if you work really hard (ask any hard-working minimum wagers and struggling solo business people if this has proven true); you either have what it takes or you don’t . . . I’m sure you can add to this list.

Only you can know if you have a deep need for approval and how this impacts your life. If your primary need has been for approval, you’ve seen it affect the jobs and wages you’ve accepted; the relationships you’ve engaged in (likely, longer than you should have); lack of energy or self-confidence to go after what you really want in every area or several areas of your life; and, often, the various forms of abuses and self-abuse you’ve allowed.

If you’re a solo business person (or want to be), fear energy about charging a fair fee or price for what you provide, and getting it, may be present—you doubt your right and ability to be compensated appropriately. You may engage in lots of activity, but little productivity. You may search for ways to succeed rather than create them.

Approval seekers are often not connected to self-esteem, self-confidence, self-worth, and self-appreciation in ways that support them to feel how they wish to about themselves, or to make choices that help them create desired experiences and outcomes. Self-trust to know and act on what is appropriate for them (and what’s not) has not been developed as it might have been. Fear of making mistakes shadows them. They may not even ask what their desired experiences are—not with true clarity.

If what you need and want in order to have the life experience you desire comes last (or even second), your “currency” may be approval. You may want approval more than value-for-value in your personal and professional life. This is about proper self-respect, not improper selfishness.

When approval is your currency, your inner images are so entwined with this need you don’t even enter into the space where you envision people, who really feel you can make a difference, being happy to make a monetary exchange with you. You don’t envision being able to discern early on if a person is the right person for you to be in a relationship with—that the exchange and value in any experience is equal and in your best interest. You second-guess yourself on a consistent basis.

Take some time to sit with what you’ve read here. See if the out-of-balance need for approval has been a driving force in your life. Ask yourself how this has manifested in your experiences and how you feel about this.

Then, do a quick replay of your life and re-write the “film script.” Allow the image of receiving the approval you desired. Watch as you honor yourself by saying no to inappropriate personal and professional relationships when you said yes instead—making better choices on your behalf in certain moments.

Envision and feel the satisfaction of providing the service you’re passionate about to those you’d enjoy engaging with (even if what that is isn’t clear at this time). Let who, how, where, when, and for how much play out in your favor. Imagine the feeling of it—and you—as you truly desire. Allow yourself to feel this as true for you, even if that feeling is somewhat small right now. It can expand as you become gradually more comfortable with it. It may be unfamiliar, but it doesn’t need to stay that way.

Starting now, allow yourself to recognize when approval is your currency, as you consider important life choices. If it is, realize it’s you who will pay for the experiences and outcomes that result. This only empties the “well.” You want to fill it.

It’s time to shift this so that “give and receive” become the energy exchange they are meant to be and that feel good for you and others. It’s time to stop believing the stories you tell yourself, especially because a better story could have happened. It still can; but you need to begin to rewrite your story now and place your focus on it, and stop repeating the old ones.

It’s time to upgrade your “currency” exchange, and to understand it is your right to give and receive in equal measure.

Is it time to learn how to more effortlessly have desired experiences in life and business? Start now to re-write your stories for a More Calm, Confident, Creative You with You Are More! Empowerment Coach and author Joyce Shafer(jls1422@yahoo.com)—Sign up now for the 4-week Valentine’s Coaching Special (sign-up deadline is Feb. 14/program starts when you sign up) or let the e-book guide you. Fall in Love with Your Life! Details at http://tinyurl.com/yljhw4b

Would You Rather Be On Purpose or Perfect?

Be perfect or be on purpose? Which one of these has been “driving your bus” so far? If you or someone you know struggles with perfectionism, can this hold you back from living on purpose?

Ask someone to walk to the moon and you’ll hear, “Not realistic,” as a response. They wouldn’t have a problem giving that answer.

Ask some people to be perfect and you can almost hear the inner and outer dialogue start — “You have no idea how hard I try to be just that.”

What was the appropriate response to the second request?
Not realistic.

Perfection, in the way it is usually understood and accepted, is not possible.

Perfection in Tick-Tock

Tick-Tock is what we call that space in time where we believe the outer world is more real than the inner one. It’s where either segments of society or individuals tell us our self-worth is about what we have—titles, degrees, assets—rather than about who we are, how we express ourselves in our lives and in the world.

Tick-Tock loves perfectionists because it knows it can get people to buy into struggle rather than flow. When people struggle, they don’t embrace or even remember they have an inner power. They are too focused on the struggle. Too busy doing rather than being.

When you’re in flow, your inner power more readily lets go of judgment, lets go of negative types of control, and embraces process for what it is—perfection and imperfection as two parts of a whole, but with different than the usual understanding of them:

There is perfection in imperfection and imperfection in perfection.

One aspect that becomes quite clear when you interact with a perfectionist is the imperfection of this way of being. You observe a person “wound up quite tight;” and you witness what happens when everything is not “perfect” according to their requirements. It doesn’t take much to set them off in panic or anger; and, there is a tendency to micro-manage everyone in their circle of influence. When they cannot control every moment and result so that events manifest the way they have imagined would be expected of them, their world is shaken.

Not only do they feel enraged (afraid of what they’ll lose), but frequently express this rage, damaging others’ respect for them. These people seem never to look within.

To a perfectionist, a problem is a catastrophe, not an opportunity for growth and expression of potential. For them, everything that goes amiss is external to them—or, at least, this is what many perfectionists project. What’s going on inside of them is another matter.

This particular form of perfectionism makes good people bad leaders in the workplace—or the home—and of their lives (they behave like managers instead).

Typically, there is no allowance for normal human behavior or growth processes to occur. Not for them, not for others.

Many involved with these individuals become either withdrawn, rebellious, or they move on. It’s a sad sight; and it robs everyone involved of the joy, harmony, and creative environment that could be the reality.

There also seems to be a lack of appreciation for spontaneity. Everything must be planned down to the smallest detail.

One perfectionist I know created an agenda for his ten-year-old granddaughter’s visit, starting from the moment she got off the train until she was to return home. It was remarkable to see items listed such as “12:45 – arrive at the zoo; 12:50-12:55 – Monkeys; 1:00-1:05 – Llamas; 1:10-1:15 – Ice Cream Cone.” It could have been humorous were it not so sad. Tick-Tock. Tick-Tock. No time for spontaneity.

This type of behavior also leaves little room for “this or better” moments to be appreciated when they happen. If something isn’t done in the way they believe it should be or by when they believe it should be, even if something better happens because of it, they either don’t see it or refuse to acknowledge it.

Perfectionists believe that their value as people is judged by virtue of what they do and do perfectly.

If they happen to read a self-improvement book, they rarely relate the information to themselves. They only see “flaws” they perceive in others.

When others—or they—don’t perform to their standards, even if unrealistic, they seldom, if ever, pause to ask what is working right.

Their struggle is a difficult one because they spend a great deal of time thinking about what needs to be done, who needs to do it, how it needs to happen.

Were it not for the affectation of perfectionism influencing the process and outcome, these things are strengths. Channeled correctly, these strengths could create tremendous positive change and environments.

Email me to receive a free copy of the entire 11-page writing that includes the additional segments: Perfection in the New Age, Process or Perfection, The Perfection of Imperfect Reflections, Self-Righteousness and Self-Realization, Perfection and Purpose, What’s in Your Inner Space?

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Become A Conscious Creative ~ Reinvent Yourself: Refuse to Settle for Less in Life and Business allows you to open to and sharpen your intuitive, creative abilities and do this consistently, for any area of your life. Available as an e-book and/or an 8-week coaching program ~ Joyce Shafer (jls1422@yahoo.com), You Are More! Empowerment Coach, Author, and Publisher of State of Appreciation. Details and lots of free resources at http://stateofappreciation.webs.com