Does Perfectionism Impede Your Life Experience?

Do you confuse being authentic or successful with being perfect? How’s that working for you so far, or for those you know who practice this?

Perfectionists believe their value or worth (especially self-worth) as individuals is arrived at by virtue of what they do perfectly or by being seen as perfect or always right, rather than by who they are at their core (like the rest of us) or what they can contribute. They may apply this philosophy to others, as well. When they or others don't perform to their standards—even if those standards are unrealistic, which perfectionism always is—they seldom, if ever, pause to ask what is working right, and why, and how they can expand this into areas that would benefit from improvements. (A perfectionist—and proud of it—boss I worked for once said he didn’t want to focus on what was working right, only on what was wrong. You can imagine how much fun he was to work with.)

A favorite thought or saying of someone affected by perfectionism might be: "If everyone would just do what they are supposed to, everything would be the way it is supposed to be," as though life has a strict blueprint to be followed by everyone. These types “should” on people quite often. We might wish this blueprint concept were so at times, both for ourselves and for those we interact with, so life could seem easier and clear-cut, but that’s just not the way it is.

Thinking this way is actually more about how the perfectionist feels about himself or herself than it is about the others they aim this thought at. I’ve even known perfectionists who believe others should be mind-readers so they know what the perfectionist expects, without having to be told. Sometimes, anticipating what another expects or needs works out or is a good idea, but most of the time, we’re a bit busy focusing on other things, including our own issues, desires, and needs. Mind-reading shouldn’t be a requirement placed on anyone.

During life empowerment coach training, we learned that all of us must start where we are, acknowledge what is in the moment, and then move forward from there. Over the course of our lives, most of us have witnessed scenarios where someone insisted on nothing less than perfection from themselves and others. Perhaps we've even done this, to some extent, ourselves. Not only is perfectionism not realistic, it isn’t a goal—really, it isn’t, though many try to make it so for themselves and others. If you practice perfectionism, how can you accept where you are right now in order to influence where you intend to go and how you will experience your journey along the way, in a manner that cuts out a lot of the frustration and stress perfectionism causes? And if you can’t accept and allow this about yourself, how can you practice compassion, understanding, support, and encouragement with others?

Perfectionists, in my experience at least, do not have a tendency to focus on conscious awareness or personal growth—or if they do, they feel their inner work is deep when it’s actually shallow. This is because they are too focused on being perceived as right and unflawed. What an exhausting and frustrating way to live, for the perfectionist and those they live or interact with. Someone who is always right or unflawed (or, rather, deeply craves to be seen as such so they can believe this about themselves) can’t afford to demonstrate a need to do the inner work. That would mean something was “wrong” with them. Their egos don’t set to that place on their life and personal development dial. There’s either growth or there’s stagnation: the choice is ours.

What would a person's experiences, and the world as a whole, look like if we understood that life is an ever-changing process and that we process life and influence our reality through the thoughts, feelings, and actions we choose each moment to accommodate the changes we encounter? People who strive for perfection often have difficulty making decisions and moving forward, or when they do make decisions or move forward, it isn’t as enjoyable or fulfilling for them as it might be—or, likely, for others involved. It's no wonder they have trouble doing so! Take a moment to think about their energy and where that energy is focused. It's all about the individual and their ego-aspect’s demanding needs. It's constrictive rather than creative and or collaborative. It’s about doing for the sake of approval, not Being for the sake of having a fulfilling life experience.

Empowerment comes from embracing the perfection inherent in what is seemingly imperfect, as well as the imperfection in what is seemingly perfect. Who cannot recall having an experience that appeared, at first, to be negative only to discover a valuable purpose in it or for it at some later time? Or maybe the opposite happened and what seemed ideal turned out not to be. Why did this realization happen, if it’s happened to you? Because you processed the experience at an inner and outer level, no matter how long it took for that to happen.

When we actively, consciously engage in process, we waste nothing that comes to us as an experience to help us expand conscious awareness and grow from there. Perfectionists are not interested in process, as a rule, because of what I mentioned earlier: it may mean there’s something about them they need to work on or balance, and that can be a too-painful realization for them.

Process allows us to discover more of what we can about ourselves in relation to everyone and every situation that enters our lives. It is our opportunity to decide how to move forward, how to grow. Perfectionism stops us where we stand, even if we appear to move forward in our outer lives. It is an illusion, and it traps and constricts us because the life experience is not authentic and flowing, but forced. Illusions eventually get revealed as what they are. You want a stronger inner foundation and outer experience than this.

Perfection has rigid rules and is, as I said, not realistic. Excellence, however, is doable, attainable, and realistic. Excellence allows for creative expression and for us to move forward to the next level as we move along in our lives. Perfectionists believe there is only one level: perfection, which is an enervating path to follow. Those who aim at excellence realize there’s always a next level to aim for and go to, that we do learn from missteps, which is an innovative and life-affirming path to follow.

Every moment and experience provides us with an opportunity to assess what we want to glean from it, how we want to use it, and how we can grow from it. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.       

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Choose to Unclutter You and Your New Year Now

Inner clutter happens when your focus isn’t on the appropriate point of attention. So, what is the appropriate point of attention?

A clutter coach gets contacted when an individual's living or working space gets disorganized to the point that the person can no longer function as efficiently as they'd like to or need to. A process is then engaged that involves getting rid of what no longer serves the person, creation of a system of organization that suits the person's particular needs and wants, and a commitment to attend to clutter in a timely fashion from that moment on. This process easily fits a person’s life, as well: a life coach or therapist is contacted when clutter happens at the inner level, which causes life to feel chaotic or unmanageable, and a commitment to shift this is made.

One way we clutter our lives is when we don't look after our best interests, which is supposed to be our ever-present, appropriate point of attention. Sure, we may do this for ourselves most or many times, and in specific areas of our lives, but we can usually identify one or several areas of our lives where we falter in this regard. For example, we may feel guilty or selfish if we don't always put others’ needs before ours, even if this harms us health-wise or impinges on our quality of life. Perhaps we forget or don’t know that when we honor boundaries, this leads us to recognize who is responsible for what, rather than over-burdening ourselves with emotional baggage that is someone else’s responsibility to carry and work on, or burdening others in this way.

Inner and outer clutter causes us to feel there is something off in our lives (outer clutter often occurs as a result of inner clutter that’s unrecognized or denied). We may believe that if we wait a while, the situation will balance itself or go away. This isn’t necessarily an untrue belief, but we have to discern the difference between trust in the Universe and its natural flow of energy, and the avoidance of appropriate action. Maybe we shove against a metaphorical brick wall, rather than look for a more appropriate way to move forward.

Maybe we believe that as spiritual or metaphysical types, we have to suppress or deny any or every negative feeling we have, forgetting that these are messages from our higher self, sent to assist us in our physical experience of life and personal growth. We need to ask ourselves what we feel, rather than think, about what’s going on, as well as what we'd like to do to shift a situation or us. If we peeled away the layers of bad feelings that happen when life is not going the way we'd prefer, we'd find at the core or heart of the matter that when we don't look out for our best interests, we enter a state of self-rejection.

Self-rejection clutters our minds, hearts, and lives quickly, and in some circumstances, thoroughly—like a blanket thrown over us on a warm night, causing us to feel smothered. Consider all the thoughts, feelings, and actions that might be attached to self-rejection, and the myriad ways that self-rejection may manifest in our life. We practice self-rejection when we fear cutting our losses. We stay in a situation longer than we should, or don’t speak up or take constructive action as quickly as we might, often because we fear what will happen if we do, otherwise referred to as fear of the unknown or even fear of feeling fear. If you attempt to restore balance and it doesn't work, do you know why you don't move on, from either where you are or how you perceive and handle events? Many don't choose to make a move or shift until it becomes more painful to stay where and how they are than it is to make a change, no matter how much this may scare them.

A new year, like a new day, offers the promise of a fresh start. Unclutter you and your life by giving conscious attention to what is in your best interest, what is truly appropriate for you and your life. I'm talking about the kind of best interest that is based in conscious awareness, not the ego-based selfish kind. Always choose to honor yourself, and do so from a place of personal integrity, which helps you to stay strong. You don't want to be rash in your decisions, nor angrily aggressive: that will lower your energy and amplify any self-rejection feelings you already have even more. If you need to make a plan, whether for inner, outer, or both aspects, do so; then follow your plan and adjust it as needed.

Unclutter your mind and heart through your intention and commitment to make your life one of quality and fulfillment and grace. Don't be afraid to cut your losses if something really doesn't work, especially if no matter what you do, nothing changes or it gets even worse. Believe me, I know from personal experience how these suggestions can feel easier said than done, but we owe it to ourselves to keep moving forward on this. Because, on the other side of that decision is a field of potential and opportunities and good feelings waiting for you to show up so you can live the life you came here to live and feel about yourself the way you desire to feel. “Do not wait: the time will never be 'just right'. Start where you stand, and work whatever tools you may have at your command and better tools will be found as you go along.” – Napoleon Hill

My wish and hope for you and all of us as we move into the upcoming holidays then into a new year is that we honor who we are and came here to be as ever-evolving, ever-learning and growing individuals. That we choose to treat others as we want them to treat us instead of how they treat us; that we treat everyone how we should treat ourselves, including ourselves, if we aren’t doing the best job we could of that. We could unclutter our lives, and the world, if we put this into practice. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.        

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer