Is It an Excuse or a Reason That Holds You Back?

We sometimes say we want certain things and may talk quite a bit about our ideas, but we don't take the actions needed to make them happen. Perhaps a more honest statement would be, "It would be nice, but I'm not willing (yet, if ever) to do what it takes." That's a better thing to say because it's authentic.

The fact is this: Sometimes reasons, based on facts, do hold you back. But such reasons can point you in another direction or point your attention toward another way to accomplish what you desire to. Someone intent on success, whatever that means to them, makes a plan, figures out resources needed, and gets started, taking step after step until the outcome is reached, however long it takes. Intention (and commitment) sees obstacles as clues about what doesn't work and inspires us to ask what might work instead.

When we say we can't or shouldn't have to do something in order to have what we desire, this is the time to look within. Sometimes, a particular fear is the cause of this mental attitude. Sometimes, it's a belief that doesn't serve us. If there is something you truly want but never seem to be able to attain it or you tend to stop just short of the mark, you want to look at what's holding you back. Your excuses are a good place to start.

Make a list of things you believe you want in life. To the right, make two columns titled, "It Would be Nice, But..." and "Whatever It Takes, I Intend to Make This Happen." Place a checkmark in the correct column for each item you list. This not only distinguishes what you'd like from what you are committed to, but also shows where your energy is going and where it needs to be better directed. Expending energy wishing for or talking about something you’re not committed to taking action on is a huge waste of your precious energy, skills, and talents. It keeps you from realizing your dreams and goals. It also causes those who listen to you to not believe you, if all you do is talk.

Sometimes, what holds a person back is unknown and requires therapy so it can be discovered and then result in a significant shift happening. Maybe time with a life coach will help to discover how to go beyond self-imposed limitations. Maybe the right-for-you self-help book, where you do what’s asked, works like a charm. At the very least, if you categorize what you believe you want into the two columns suggested above, you discover whether an item is a genuine intended goal—or not, as well as where you limit yourself with excuses, or where you plan to succeed. The question is: Do you want to be remembered for your excuses or your successes? Which one allows you to feel the way you desire to feel about yourself? After all, why you want what you say you do is always about how you want to feel about yourself, anyway.

I was contacted by someone who'd read one of my articles and then got my Take This Life and Live It! workbook. Our conversation left me inspired. A major transition is taking place in her life, one most would consider negative. She contacted me because she wants to move forward in the way most appropriate for her. This is courage in action.

The reason I say this woman is courageous is that she doesn't choose to focus on the past. She chooses to focus on the present and strengthen and direct herself so she can better create her future now. She intends to use the workbook to not only better understand what is happening at an inner level (emotions, thoughts), but to also map out how she wants her life to look from this point on (work, relationships, finances, etc.). She intends to make conscious choices on both levels and do what she can to make this journey easier and focused. Detours will arise; but she'll have her direction in mind and will find her way back onto the path to get where she aims to go. Her choice is to respond, not react; to move forward, not stagnate; to be her own compass, her own North Star.

Most of us have to cope with a major life transition at least once in our lives, one where the foundation we believed to be solid beneath us shifts or crumbles, and we find ourselves looking for a foothold. Many deal with the accompanying emotions as best they can and eventually choose to get on with their lives. Some, sadly, choose to stay rooted in pain or frustration. The result of this is either a life not lived fully or a tragic story that makes the news.

Courage is not the absence of fear. Courage takes action in spite of fear. Action sets you free. It's important to make it Right Action, not reaction. Since this woman decided to face this challenging time in this way, I trust she will accomplish whatever she chooses as she heads forward, deliberately, on her path. Whatever she was before, she is on purpose now. Be on purpose. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.                 

          

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce L. Shafer

You are welcome to use this article in your newsletter or on your blog/website as long as you use my complete bio with it.

Joyce L. Shafer is a Life Empowerment Coach dedicated to helping people feel, be, and live their true inner power. She’s author of “I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, But I Have Something to Say” and other books/e-books, and publishes a free weekly online newsletter that offers empowering articles. See all that’s offered by Joyce and on her site at http://stateofappreciation.weebly.com

Do Your Beliefs and Behaviors Ever Clash?

What does it mean when our behaviors don't reflect our beliefs? It means it's time to re-visit what we believe.

Beliefs change. This usually surprises us because we invest a good deal of energy into identifying what we believe about anything. When beliefs and behaviors contrast, the typical response or reaction is to manage or attempt to manage the behaviors. But what does that really do? Solely managing a behavior not in alignment with a belief puts us into a form of self-denial, if we don't also look at the belief.

Why do we hold beliefs? They act as a guidance system for us, an internal GPS (Global Positioning System) that helps us follow our path throughout the moments of our lives. If we have head and heart alignment with our beliefs, they can serve us. If we don't, meaning we just give lip-service to them, they merely act as a corral to keep our true feelings inside. If contrasts between beliefs and behaviors arise, there is something we can do. We can ask a series of questions.

What changed? This has to be addressed at both inner and outer levels. One level does not change without affecting the other. Determine where the change originated that created the contrast: inner or outer. Once you know where it started, it will lead you to identify what influence it had at the other level. Once you identify these changes, you can ask the following questions.

What do I want instead? This comes directly from knowing what you don't want, which is, at the root of this, the actual discomfort you feel from the inner- and outer-level contrast. Most people believe they want something specific to change so they can feel in balance or better than they do. Feelings come from within. They are not a result of circumstances, but of choices we make about how to feel about anyone or anything, in any moment. If you know how you prefer to feel, you can determine what you need to do at the inner and outer levels to get to that feeling. However, the resolution of this will be long-lasting only if you have head and heart alignment about this.

How committed are you to doing whatever it takes to create more of what you want? If all you are engaged in is wishful thinking, nothing substantial will change. Wishful thinking has a constant companion: noisy dialogue, whether in our heads or to anyone who will listen. Commitment has energy, and as author Kurt Wright said, is a magnet. There is inner conversation as you ask yourself right questions, but then there is action, much more action than dialogue, when you have commitment.

Most inner- and outer-level struggles result from people not knowing what it is they want, being afraid to admit what it is they want, or being afraid to take action needed to create what they want. This is not living. Most of us are extravagant about how much time we think we have in life. And, we mistakenly think that life is about what we accomplish rather than what we feel about ourselves and every moment, and what we contribute to each moment. Accomplish what you want; but make your goal to feel what you want to feel about you in relation to the entire process from start to middle to end.

When all is said and done, whether at the end of a goal or the end of a lifetime, what do you want to feel about yourself, the outcome, and the experiences that got you there? Was it an impoverished inner experience or a richly-textured one? Were you serene more than not, joyful more than not, enthusiastic more than not, loving and caring more than not, trusting of Source more than not? Did you seek and find head and heart alignment more than not, and so on? Did you choose one feeling over another, with conscious awareness? Did you pay attention to contrasts between your beliefs and your behaviors, and address this to restore harmony in you, your life, and your relationships? Did you choose what you wanted to feel about yourself, say, to remain in integrity, before you spoke or took action, at least, as often as you could do this? These choices are always yours. Be deliberate about your choices. It’s a good practice; one you’ll appreciate.   

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Need to Amp Up Your Motivation and Commitment?

Can a simple statement really get you motivated to start, do, or improve something you’re putting off? Let’s find out.

Think of something you desire to be different, or feel challenged about following through on. See or feel it in your mind’s eye. Really connect with it. Now, say to yourself, gently and truthfully: “I can do better than this.”

First things first—remove any critical self-judgment from the picture right now. It isn’t useful.

Second, do you believe there’s some truth for you in the statement that you can do better than what you’re currently doing? Is there even one thing you can do differently that would get you closer to your targeted goal or dream, or make an improvement?

Third, watch out for two typical self-entrapments: You aim to start too big and you attempt to reach the outcome—or think you have to—without taking the steps.

Let’s say you don’t like how your body looks (or, use a current issue of your own). You might be tempted to do the following in this order:

1. Look in the mirror and not feel happy with what you see, and begin the verbal self-abuse. That’s always effective, right?
2. Say, “This Is It!”—plus, more verbal self-abuse.
3. Choose a stringent diet program and an exercise program not appropriate for you, or you start at too high a level (and you increase the verbal self-abuse).

I’m not going to keep going with the numbered steps, because how this example, or whatever you’ve started and stopped over the years (or never started), plays out (including creative endeavors) can be filled in by you as well as me. But maybe you feel, perhaps subconsciously, that the way to improve is to first punish (unsuitable, unsustainable diet and exercise programs—or whatever relates to your issue), rather than find what supports you, then start small and grow into it.

We live in an age of Instant: coffee, foods, information. It’s no wonder instant gratification tugs at us so forcefully. But some things, the really important or significant things in life, are usually not instant.

However, it isn’t just instant gratification you’re dealing with these days; you’re also bombarded with emails from people about their “instant” successes, results, or outcomes. When you aim at your targets, if you don’t mirror the so-said instant success of others—or what you believe you’re “supposed” to achieve, you feel like a failure.

Maybe you want to take the temperature of this in your own life. Many times, these people have their “instant” successes after quite a number of years (or hours, days, weeks) of effort that led to their “overnight” success. Some even tell you this, but that information is easy to ignore because you’re fixated on a big number (or whatever) flashing like a neon sign in your mind; and what it takes, or might, to achieve this is virtually ignored.

Tony Robbins said something to the effect that small improvements made daily create compounded enhancements. Don’t attempt or believe you have to attempt to produce the final outcome five minutes after you decide what it is. What do you really want to go for now, or next, that will improve one or more areas of your life? Write this down—writing it really does matter.

Whenever you start to be hard on yourself about any area of your life you’re not satisfied with, rather than giving yourself the verbal self-lashing you may do or perhaps giving up altogether, gently say to yourself, “I can do better than this.” Then take some action each day. Let your daily improvements weave your larger tapestry.

You are what you practice.
© Joyce Shafer