What Do You Do When Others Affect Your Mood?

Do others influence your mood? There’s a scientific aspect of this that reveals how and why this happens and why it’s more you than them. And, what you can do about it. 

Have you ever given your full attention to someone who was speaking about something unpleasant, something that caused their brows to furrow, their mouth to turn down? As this went on, did you notice your own brows furrowed, your own mouth turned down? Did you notice how you felt or began to feel? More than likely your mood altered, even though it’s their story not yours. What might this really be about?

I recall sitting with and listening to someone stream one unpleasant story after another, and noticing my facial features felt as though they might collapse inward. The muscles of my face were mirroring the person’s face that was set in a scowl that grew even more “scowl-y” with each negative story. After a while I said (nicely), “You might want to find and tell stories that don’t make your face go like this (I demonstrated the face) quite so often.” My comment made the person pause, but some habits (or addictions) die hard. Just as there are times we don’t recognize that we’re being more negative than is good for us or for those we’re with, it’s the same for others. On the flip side, if the person who’s speaking is smiling, you likely smile as well. You likely feel good in their company.

Feelings follow the face (and posture), which is why smiling and straightening posture are recommended as immediate mood elevators. Imitating facial expressions is something every infant does naturally. We just don’t realize this is carried forward into adulthood, or know the cause of why this is natural to all of us, starting from birth. We also are influenced by the tone and volume of others’ voices. We may find ourselves identifying with some of their word choices, as well, whether at the conscious or subconscious level.

What caused my facial expression to mimic the person’s—as well as everyone’s tendency to have this experience—is a result of what neuroscientists call mirror neurons “that subconsciously prompt us to mimic the body language and vocal patterns of our companion. And when we ape the behavior of others, we begin to take on their emotional state, a phenomenon dubbed ‘emotional contagion’.” This is according to an article in the September 2, 2013, issue of First for Women.

Now before we get into a muddle about this, these mirror neurons can also assist us to feel greater compassion, empathy, love, and any of the more positive or supportive emotions. However, since we can’t control what others say or do, we can do a few simple things to ease the negative mirroring that starts up in us, when we find ourselves in such situations.

Years back, I recall reading that if you wanted anyone uncomfortable with communicating to feel more secure about doing so, it helped if you either were busy doing something that didn’t require full attention (any simple task you can do by rote) or if you sat side-by-side rather than sat across from or looked directly at them, which can and does cause such hesitant communicators to feel challenged, insecure, or unsafe. Something similar to this the article suggested is called “reverse mirroring,” not for the purpose of making the other person comfortable about speaking, but to avoid letting your mirror neurons lock you into an undesired altered mood.

This reverse mirroring helps you to not catch the negativity “virus” from them, or at least to lessen its impact on you. This side-by-side positioning lets you be there for the person, without getting a frontal onslaught of their negativity via your own neurons. You might still feel their negativity waves, but not to the same magnitude as if you mirror them. The reverse works as well: if you feel low, sit across from someone who’s in a good mood, or watch a video online of someone happy, and allow your mirror neurons to work in your favor.

Here’s something else the article suggested: Cut the invisible bonds. The technique is to imagine a string or cord running between you, and imagine snipping that string or cord with scissors. According to Dr. Judith Orloff, this allows you to reduce the impact of mirror neurons. What I’ve done and do that’s similar, whenever I’m with someone whose energy is beginning to affect me in a way that’s uncomfortable or unpleasant, is do something while I still listen, like fiddle inside my purse as though looking for something. This type of buffer for your energy is something that isn’t considered rude or insensitive by the other person, say, like texting or checking e-mail on your phone would definitely be. You’re still listening and responding, but not mirroring and therefore not taking on as much of their negativity as you might.

A University of Oklahoma study recommends an emotional-regulation technique called “attentional deployment.” You can use this whenever someone is e-mailing or talking in a way that, even if unintentional, is a downer for you. Say the person put their negativity in an e-mail or text message. You can pick something to pay attention to, like how many words they misspelled. If they drone on and on in a negative way, you might count how many times they use a particular word. Again, it’s not that you don’t hear what they’re saying and respond appropriately, just that these techniques can quell your mirroring their written or spoken emotions and energy to the degree you otherwise might. In kind, notice if someone’s facial expression or mood is mirroring your own and decide if that’s really what you intend, or if you prefer to raise the energy by relaxing your face, or smiling, if appropriate.

People we call empaths have to, first, realize they are empaths and, second, learn how to manage and protect themselves from their sensitivity to others’ emotions that they can mistake as their own, which is another form of mirroring—an energy-based form. Introverts* also have a different energy experience when around others than extroverts do. And all of us are subject to our own mirror neurons. This also explains why watching TV programs or movies can influence your mood. These occurrences beg the question: How much of what we experience at the inner level is ours alone and how much is a mirrored experience? It’s something to consider.

*Check out the article online “23 Signs You’re Secretly An Introvert”.

Being sensitive to others’ feelings is worthy—and necessary, but not at the expense of your own well-being and at the expense of what you attract more of into your life by virtue of your own vibrations matched by Law of Attraction. You can be appropriately compassionate and empathetic and loving, but not be overrun by another person’s emotions, which can sometimes (or often) happen when we don’t know how to self-protect in such instances. Their emotions transmit one level of energy; our mirroring their emotions amplifies this in a way that doesn’t have to happen, if we know what to do about this. Pay attention to when you begin to mirror another. Be deliberate about what you choose to mirror, whether as the receiver or the sender. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate. 

[Note: As complementary information to my comment about empaths, introverts, and mirror neurons begging the question of how much of what we experience is ours, you can read best-selling author Barbara Berger’s State of Appreciation Guest Expert article about the No. 4 cause of suffering and unhappiness (“Investigate Your Stories) in this week’s issue, available online through Aug. 29, 2013. Barbara’s article is excerpted from her book, Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life.]      

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Do You Plan for a Bad Day?

Who would deliberately plan to have a bad day, you ask? Anyone who doesn’t set themselves up for a good or better day, that’s who. Which one do you plan for?

Honestly, there are days that go “bad” and there’s nothing you can do about the events that happened. When such days occur, you have to do what you can to manage yourself through them as best you can. But for our purposes here, I’m talking about the “average” days, the days most of us wake to and experience. The reason such days are not as good as they might be is because of how they are put into motion by default.

Here are some ways we set ourselves up for a bad day by default, ways we might not perceive as obvious when we do them; they’re more like habits than conscious decisions. These include:

·         Not getting enough sleep, whether this is one or a few nights each week or every night (or day, for those who work nightshifts), when you have control over this, that is

·         Reviewing problems, issues, or life in general in a negative or hopeless way prior to going to sleep

·         Not preparing for the next day the night before, or not planning for enough time in the morning (or whenever) that you need to get ready for your day

·         Not establishing your priorities for the day then following up on them so you feel a sense of accomplishment

·         Not taking even a few minutes in the morning to meditate, or state appreciation, or set positive intentions for the day

·         Letting complaints or criticisms fill your first moments of the day because you aren’t filling your mind or fueling your energy with positive, constructive, supportive, appreciative, or empowering thoughts

·         Too many foods or beverages that throw body chemistry out of whack, or not eating enough of the foods that support your well-being

The opposites of the above are also obvious, but what about the inner ones, the ones that are more subtle? How can you set up a good or better day at the inner level, especially when you aren’t aware that you aren’t creating that set-up or that you can? You can use one of these paragraphs below upon waking and as needed during the day. Of course, you can add to these in ways meaningful to you.

If you’re metaphysical-spiritual, you might say:

I am thankful for this day. I am thankful for each blessing that comes my way and for each time I can be a blessing to others. I am thankful I easily see blessings for what they are. I am thankful for the gifts I possess that I share and can share. I am thankful that I am guided to be lovingly appropriate and appropriately loving to, with, and about others and to, with, and about myself.

If you’re religious, you might say:

This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad. I ask that the heart, mind, and hands of each person I engage with be blessed so they are a blessing to others and themselves. And I ask the same for myself so I may be a blessing, as well.

Another Way We Can Plan for a Better Day

A question we might get asked or give thought to ourselves is, “How did your day go?” Our answer usually includes what happened and how we feel about it. We don’t usually answer with how we managed ourselves or lessons we were presented with and what we did with them. We don’t usually say, “I was short-tempered” or rude, unloving, unkind, self-absorbed, lacked integrity, stingy, unappreciative, etc. Who’d want to make such admissions?! Some might be willing to do that, but it might be uncomfortable to do, willing or not. You can practice ahead of time to be and behave better, as well as in the moment. You can practice the paragraphs offered here or create your own, both the saying of the words (with meaning and feeling, not just as a chore) and put what the words represent into practice. 

Here’s a secret: three seconds of sincere, pure appreciation has more power than ten minutes of meditation where your mind keeps drifting off to what you need to do or what you’re upset about, or ten minutes of stating or writing affirmations, when this is done by rote—because you’re supposed to do it—or while contradicting or doubting the affirmations.

One reason we tend toward “bad” days is because we don’t practice planning for good ones. Each time we don’t use one of the paragraphs above or something similar to them to support a more positive mindset and energy vibration, each time we only criticize others rather than compliment or validate them as well, each time we complain and not balance this out with appreciation, we practice the opposite of what we desire: a better experience of ourselves, others, and life.

I say that practice makes progress, which is a statement of a fact. A lot of what we might call failures or lacks of success or frustrations in our day-to-day experiences is primarily a result of not practicing what leads us out of that wilderness and into the oasis of better thoughts, words, and actions that attract or get matched by more of the same. Practice means you do whatever that inner or outer activity is, often and repeatedly. Seldom does a person have just one thought about something, say, approaching a difficult person or issue more constructively, and from that moment on do it correctly each time. Practice is deliberate. Practice is for your own sake and in your best interest.

Is your practice a bad attitude or is it an open-to-learning-and-evolving one and on how you might be a blessing? Is your practice one of always being right (even when wrong) or one aimed at expansion of conscious awareness? Is your practice one of feeling denied in life or one of appreciation and counting your blessings? Is your practice only about what you can get or receive or also what you can give? If your days feel worse or less than better, check what you’re consistently putting into practice. It’s a good practice; one you’ll appreciate.    

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Are You or Anyone You Know Too Easily Offended?

Being too easily offended is a form of self-victimization. Ouch! What are the symptoms of this mindset, and what can be done about this?

We don’t always recognize an imbalance in our mindset for what it is. We experience the results of it, though, and that’s where we tend to place our focus, which leads us to completely miss the cause. When we miss or ignore the cause of a mindset that doesn’t serve us, effecting a change is darn near impossible. As Albert Einstein said, “No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it.”

Anyone of us has times when we feel offended, and perhaps rightfully so. But there are some who are caught in a loop where they seem to be offended more often than not, and in a way that seems illogical to others. If you are or someone you know is too easily offended, this stems from a core thought that has a core emotion attached to it, which causes a specific action to be taken. Every action ultimately comes forth from a desired response or a conditioned one. A core thought may be, “This should not be happening,” and a core emotion might be, “I’m unsafe (whatever form that might take).” The usual, primary desires are to feel safe, valued, and fulfilled. Any of us, but especially anyone too easily offended, may believe if we feel these, caused or provided by others, we will feel happy.

People who are too easily offended are seldom happy and seldom considered happy by others. Some may feel they’ll never be happy for reasons that seem justifiable to them. And those in their lives who attempt to provide what will help them feel happy find it an ongoing and oftentimes futile effort.

What are some symptoms of being too easily offended? Please keep in mind that what’s listed here was somehow part of an individual’s conditioning. They (or you) may not actually want to do what’s listed, but they do practice them, because they’re stuck in a mindset and will remain there until they decide to become unstuck. Also keep in mind that wherever we are on the scale of this, we can all benefit by paying attention to the cause-and-effect factors of these symptoms.

·         People easily offended are consistent (or compulsive) complainers. Some complaining is natural to all of us, but they may take it to an extreme level. Those locked into extreme expressions of this may not realize they seldom engage in real conversations, that is, conversations about things not negative in nature or not focused on them and what they consider their problems.

·         They blame how they feel on others. Whether they use the statement or not, their mindset is, “If this would happen (If you’d just do what I want you to do), then I’d be happy.” Even when someone does what the person wants, they aren’t really happy. They may feel self-satisfied—temporarily—when they get what they want, but that’s quite different from happy.

·         They don’t tend to enjoy or appreciate what they do have because they focus on what they don’t have or believe they have to have, or on what others “need” to do or aren’t doing, in order to feel good about themselves or life. They don’t realize how they victimize themselves, while believing it’s others doing it to them.

·         Easily triggered, they tend to assume and presume rather than seek facts or seek to understand others’ motivations or the bigger picture. A practical or logical approach about issues that come up may not be used, because their first and foremost goal is to eliminate the pain they feel when triggered into feeling offended. They often believe lashing out is the quickest, most effective way to ease the pain. Possible short- and long-term consequences of this action are not considered.

·         Their relationship with what-is is tenuous. It’s likely the same for their relationship with Source. Their personal and/or spiritual growth is impacted because inner work is not foremost in their minds; getting others to adjust their behavior is.

·         They are more often than not angry, bitter, and unforgiving.

·         They may actually be generous and display generosity, but are often viewed as selfish—and often behave this way when triggered. This selfishness arises from insecurity. Insecurity stems from needing validation from others rather than relying on it from self and Source. When they don’t get this validation, or feel they don’t, they demand it in some form or another. Survival (according to their interpretation) rather than personal development seems to occupy their energy.

·         This insecurity causes them to be negative most of the time, always expecting the worst. This makes them miserable, within themselves and to be around. (Law of Attraction is not something they’re aware of, or if they are, isn’t paid attention to.)

·         All of this blocks the plan for their life, blocks their inner wisdom from expanding and working for them.

·         They are trapped in anger and conflict, having not learned that they can pick their battles in life. They feel everything is a battle, not realizing the most significant battle goes on inside them.

·         They see life and situations as always either/or, black or white, them against others, rather than that all are and everything in existence is interconnected, which may cause their thought process to be more mechanical than organic.

·         They relate to reality quite differently than those not as easily offended.

·         They tend to seldom be relaxed or calm, or to deliberately step mentally away from issues for a period of time each day. It isn’t easy for them to have fun or enjoy ordinary moments, or even special ones in the way they might. They may even get angry if others around them are enjoying themselves or are calm. Rather than raise their vibration to join the merriment or serenity, they’ll do or say something to bring others down to their vibration.

·         Their happiness is incumbent on others.

The book How to Have What You Really Want (An Easy Guide That Can Take You to the Next Level in Any Area of Your Life) has this to say about being happy: Happy is not an emotion, it’s a state of being, as is content, secure, and so forth. If you believe that you won’t be happy or feel secure until others do what you think they should, you’ve given your personal power away. If you do this, you’ll continue to try to get from others what you should be giving to yourself. This is one reason many of us lead quiet, or not-so-quiet, lives of frustration. We believe anything we want must come from outside of ourselves. If you accept that what you really want is to feel a certain way, then you have to accept that the only way you reach that feeling is by choosing to—and by looking out for your best interests and honoring the best interests of others.

What can be done about this? The first thing is to see if a health issue is involved. Someone in poor health or in pain, or who is exhausted, may experience some or all of the symptoms listed above. A chemical imbalance or mental illness can cause anomalous behaviors, as well. If either of these is the case, the first thing to do is address it through medical means to provide relief. But appreciation can still be a choice to assist you or the person to experience the self and life from a better perspective, rather than have a when/then mindset. Even one or several small segments of time given each day to appreciation will make a difference.

Here are several questions taken from my iPEC coach training manual that can help you, if you’re easily offended, or someone else you know who is.

1.     Let your inner Wisdom speak: what is the reality of your situation/story/belief?

2.     What do you suppose is really going on here?

3.     Which part of you is talking now?

4.     What do you think is the inner thought here?

5.     Which part of what you are saying is a story and what is the truth?

If you are too easily offended or know someone who is, recognize that although feeling triggered may be justified by an event, another story is running simultaneously, one that will block rational, practical, or even spiritual approaches. A circle will be traveled, one that goes nowhere, but deepens the emotional pain. All of us have a story running underneath everything else that goes on in life. The story is comprised of core beliefs that influence us in every way. The good news is that beliefs change but Truths never do. It’s a matter of discerning the difference between the two, as well as which one you listen to and follow—a belief or a Truth. It’s a matter of identifying beliefs that don’t serve you and replacing them with ones that do, as you move closer and closer to Truths that empower you in positive ways.

It is helpful to know what the cause of how we feel is, but getting stuck on that cause rather than asking “What can I do about this at my inner level that I will do?” isn’t going to get us where we want to be. Question 5 above is a significant one. We tell ourselves stories all the time—and we believe them. That’s the voice each one of us has in our head that chatters on. We can recognize that emotions follow thoughts, which creates a loop, which means we can be deliberate about guiding those inner conversations. We can engage new thinking that allows us to choose better thoughts that serve us. It’s a good practice; one you’ll appreciate.  

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Do Your Beliefs and Behaviors Ever Clash?

What does it mean when our behaviors don't reflect our beliefs? It means it's time to re-visit what we believe.

Beliefs change. This usually surprises us because we invest a good deal of energy into identifying what we believe about anything. When beliefs and behaviors contrast, the typical response or reaction is to manage or attempt to manage the behaviors. But what does that really do? Solely managing a behavior not in alignment with a belief puts us into a form of self-denial, if we don't also look at the belief.

Why do we hold beliefs? They act as a guidance system for us, an internal GPS (Global Positioning System) that helps us follow our path throughout the moments of our lives. If we have head and heart alignment with our beliefs, they can serve us. If we don't, meaning we just give lip-service to them, they merely act as a corral to keep our true feelings inside. If contrasts between beliefs and behaviors arise, there is something we can do. We can ask a series of questions.

What changed? This has to be addressed at both inner and outer levels. One level does not change without affecting the other. Determine where the change originated that created the contrast: inner or outer. Once you know where it started, it will lead you to identify what influence it had at the other level. Once you identify these changes, you can ask the following questions.

What do I want instead? This comes directly from knowing what you don't want, which is, at the root of this, the actual discomfort you feel from the inner- and outer-level contrast. Most people believe they want something specific to change so they can feel in balance or better than they do. Feelings come from within. They are not a result of circumstances, but of choices we make about how to feel about anyone or anything, in any moment. If you know how you prefer to feel, you can determine what you need to do at the inner and outer levels to get to that feeling. However, the resolution of this will be long-lasting only if you have head and heart alignment about this.

How committed are you to doing whatever it takes to create more of what you want? If all you are engaged in is wishful thinking, nothing substantial will change. Wishful thinking has a constant companion: noisy dialogue, whether in our heads or to anyone who will listen. Commitment has energy, and as author Kurt Wright said, is a magnet. There is inner conversation as you ask yourself right questions, but then there is action, much more action than dialogue, when you have commitment.

Most inner- and outer-level struggles result from people not knowing what it is they want, being afraid to admit what it is they want, or being afraid to take action needed to create what they want. This is not living. Most of us are extravagant about how much time we think we have in life. And, we mistakenly think that life is about what we accomplish rather than what we feel about ourselves and every moment, and what we contribute to each moment. Accomplish what you want; but make your goal to feel what you want to feel about you in relation to the entire process from start to middle to end.

When all is said and done, whether at the end of a goal or the end of a lifetime, what do you want to feel about yourself, the outcome, and the experiences that got you there? Was it an impoverished inner experience or a richly-textured one? Were you serene more than not, joyful more than not, enthusiastic more than not, loving and caring more than not, trusting of Source more than not? Did you seek and find head and heart alignment more than not, and so on? Did you choose one feeling over another, with conscious awareness? Did you pay attention to contrasts between your beliefs and your behaviors, and address this to restore harmony in you, your life, and your relationships? Did you choose what you wanted to feel about yourself, say, to remain in integrity, before you spoke or took action, at least, as often as you could do this? These choices are always yours. Be deliberate about your choices. It’s a good practice; one you’ll appreciate.   

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Do You Ever Contradict Your Beliefs and Affirmations?

You make affirmations because you want something to improve. Then something happens, and your response or reaction is as though you never affirmed at all. What’s going on?

We sometimes have just a split-second to choose what we’re going to say (or do). If there’s a lot of emotion involved when triggered by what someone says or does, we may not respond quite the way we might have liked to. We may realize we’ve been triggered, but awareness of that and the opportunity to manage ourselves better takes a backseat (or leaves the room entirely) to how ego wants to react. Afterwards, we may feel disappointed in ourselves. We may know we could have handled ourselves better. We may question what we really believe, because as Joyce Meyer said, “What’s in our heart comes out of our mouth.” Now we’re in a quandary: do we mean what we affirm or don’t we?

This was my recent experience when someone asked me a question worded in a particular way about a topic that, I admit, is still a sore-spot with me. The question triggered my ego (which has an old tape loop playing about this), and what came out of my mouth was based on that. Within seconds, I felt disappointment in my response choices. My ego spewed words akin to the momentum of a boulder tumbling out of control down a hill: I couldn’t seem to stop myself from saying what I did, nor did my ego-aspect want me to. Once I stopped talking, I thought of all the things I could have said instead, words that would have been in alignment with what I affirm and actually believe. I “should” on myself about this one on and off the rest of the day.

My responses were inarguably contrary to what I believe and affirm when not triggered. I really didn’t want to create a match to the words I’d spoken, so I had to look at what had happened, because I don’t want it to happen again (it might happen again, but I want my self-adjusting attention on this).

While I pondered this, I read an article in the June 2013 issue of More magazine titled, “Change one small habit, change your life”, by Brian Alexander. “A-ha” moments came to me while reading the article about the challenge of habits or habitual behaviors, as this relates to why, after putting energy and effort into self-improvement, we can feel like it’s a “one step forward, two steps back” process at times, especially when triggered.

We are wired to form habits or habitual behaviors for the purpose of brain-energy conservation. Have you ever felt worn out from thinking long or hard about a something that challenged you? How often do you really want to have to think that hard? Do you want that much thought to be applied to, say, sweeping the porch? Have you ever done something like brush your teeth or fold laundry while your mind was focused on something else or just drifting from thought to thought? Isn’t it convenient not to have to use the same brain-energy to fold laundry as to balance a checkbook?

Many habits or habitual behaviors are what Alexander called “boilerplate templates”: actions we do frequently or repetitively. The brain would rather we have such templates or habits in place so it can conserve energy for reasoning and decision-making. We could consider habits or habitual behaviors the personal assistant that handles certain details so the executive part of our brain can reserve energy for matters that require more complex thought.

We’re easily swayed to form habitual behaviors by the brain through the reward system. The reward is a chemical response that either pleases us (like eating that piece of chocolate we crave) or relieves stress or anxiety (like eating that piece of chocolate we crave). Rewards are what we use to train animals, aren’t they? We give them a cue (a trigger) and they respond accordingly and receive their reward. Two-legged or four- or feathered: we all like rewards. And we tend to repeat what brings us desired rewards.

Our brains are wired to first and foremost keep us safe, alive, fed, and rested, which is our primary focus as youngsters and underlie our adult existence. Once these needs become easier to manage and maintain, the part of our brain that helps us look beyond basic needs becomes more active. We become aware of, or return our awareness to, the cause-and-effect factor regarding our past, present, and future experiences. This kind of thinking requires rationale or reasoning. And therein is the conflict for us: the choice between immediate reward (ego-based satisfaction) and rationale (contemplate consequences before we speak or act), which requires more brain-energy and can feel less satisfying to the ego-aspect that wants what it wants when it wants it.

There are times in our daily life when the reward we seek is relief from stress. Each person’s ability to manage his or her way through this reward vs. rationale maze is as individual as the person. This is why some people can change a habit or habitual behavior with seemingly little to no effort but it can be a real challenge for someone else, which makes criticizing anyone who is challenged in this way unjust. And because our triggers and stress-relief processes are unique to us, one habit we have may be easy to change but another one kicks us in the backside when we try to get rid of it, especially if it’s a stress-reliever we’ve relied on.

When times are challenging or extremely stressful, the desire for reward tends to outweigh the desire to be rational because our desire to relieve stress, painful emotions, or pain becomes paramount to that part of our brain activated first, to ensure our survival. Little thought is given to cause and effect during stressful or painful times—we want relief as quickly as possible. This is a survival mechanism that kicks into gear, akin to why your body demands sleep when you need to heal from an illness or injury.

There is also something researchers call depletion. It’s the result of trying to maintain self-control in a manner that denies rewards. This is why when you diet inappropriately, meaning a diet not appropriate for your personal chemistry or one of the starvation-type diets, nearly all you can think about are foods you’re denying yourself. You feel so deprived, that your ability to focus well goes off kilter. Once again, the part of your brain assigned to basic survival kicks into high gear: it wants to relieve stress caused by denial.

Depletion can also be the result of not saying all that the ego really wants to say when triggered. And, if ego does speak out, but still does not get the desired result, this is also a form of depletion and is why any of us speak repetitively about unresolved matters. That we might find a more constructive way to express ourselves with integrity for all involved in an effort to resolve an issue often isn’t a concern of the ego that feels threatened or criticized; so it experiences denial of what it craves, which is to feel safe, accepted, and satisfied.

Depletion keeps us craving whatever we perceive the reward to be, which makes changing a habit or habitual behavior quite challenging. However, sometimes what we crave is inappropriate; so it’s not as much a matter of satisfying the craving as it is exchanging an inappropriate reward for a more appropriate one.

Let’s revisit why we want to pay attention to what we say. We want a particular reward, say, an easier experience of life, so we seek to align with appropriate beliefs and to use words that support the beliefs and desired results. But if we’re triggered in a way that causes us stress, anxiety, or anger, the old habit of seeking immediate relief gets activated, and the reward of self-management gets shoved to the side. Words, including ones in opposition to what we’ve chosen to and do believe, can escape from us. And what can really make this more difficult is if we don’t realize we’re in this trigger-to-reward (or relief) loop, as I was initially unaware of in the personal example I shared. As with any tape loop, it repeats unless or until it’s stopped somehow.

We can go at all of this from a direction that researchers have discovered really does make a difference: Appreciation. Deliberately connecting with feelings of appreciation, gratitude, thankfulness—call it what you will—relieves stress and anxiety, not just when triggered, but before, so that we aren’t so easily triggered as we once were. Appreciation practiced daily, as often as needed or chosen, can actually ease our trigger-response, which is after all, a habitual behavior.

The article made a case-in-point about this regarding a woman who had so many stress-provoking moments in her life each day that she became used to (think depletion) reacting as though everything, including small matters, was a catastrophe. She got herself out of this loop by choosing something to appreciate or feel gratitude about every day, especially when triggered. Can you see how all of this would influence Law of Attraction?

Alexander wrote, “Self-awareness, self-monitoring and will power are all key to busting out of a bad habit and forging a new one.” There is a school of thought, though, that says will power really doesn’t work, that success is more about our Why and whether or not the reward from a new behavior motivates us more than the “reward” the old behavior provided. But, we can put self-awareness, self-monitoring, self-adjustment, and appreciation into practice, which creates small wins for us. Small wins lead us to the desired habits and results we’ve chosen.

The next time you catch yourself saying something contrary to what you really believe and affirm, go ahead and stop yourself. Put the brakes on that runaway train. You might even say aloud to whomever you’re with that what you just said is an old program and no longer what you really believe; then state what it is you really do believe. Do this to alter the energy you’re transmitting and to halt the unhelpful loop, as well as to reduce the energy of that particular trigger for a future time. It’s a good practice; one you’ll appreciate.  

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

How Well Do You Manage When Your Routine Changes?

Small and not-so-small changes in your routine can create either a speed bump or a bumpy road effect on your life. What do you do when that happens?

Quite a number of people I know experienced major life changes just before 2011, and after the year began. Were you one of them? Significant shifts and lesser ones create something in common: a change in routine of greater or lesser degree.

Often, we struggle a bit (or a lot) with even one small or moderate change to our routine. We become used to or complacent about our routines, even ones we are not necessarily happy about, or ones that may even cause us to feel miserable about ourselves or our lives.

Routines FEEL easier because they are familiar. They can be followed practically by rote, like how an experienced driver vs. a new one focuses on the act of driving and doing other things at the same time. Some routines help us stay organized and on time. Some prevent spontaneity in our days and lives, cause us to be inflexible. Some create negative or unpleasant outcomes.

Routines are why New Year’s resolutions are forgotten, or if not forgotten, not fulfilled. Sticking with even one change to a routine can feel difficult, even if it is desired. It can take a while before the new behavior feels and is as automatic as the old one was. It takes persistence and consistency to arrive at this point.

My relocation move and temporary dwelling eliminated nearly all of my routines. Unlike vacations or family visits where your routine being temporarily interrupted is a welcome change (hopefully), I had to accept and allow there was no return “home,” no return to most of what was familiar ahead of me. I’m fortunate that my arrangements were as favorable as they were. Others have had to start over after significant, devastating losses. My understanding of what that must be like for them has deepened.

The metaphysical or spiritual community often mentions surrender. When significant change occurs, how well you manage becomes a matter of how well you surrender your resistance to what now is, and go forward from there. It is a matter of surrender or suffer if you insist on resisting.

I realized the best approach for me was to surrender to the fact that so much of what was familiar and routine no longer existed; to observe what creates frustration and to look at that with self-honesty; and to notice which changes actually improve or enhance my daily and personal experiences. This requires self-honesty as well. It could be so easy to return to many of my previous routines (or reject new ones; temporary or not); and some of that, frankly, could easily block positive opportunities and desired outcomes from coming to me.

I pay attention to how much of my former routine should be included as I move forward, and how much of whom I’ve believed myself to be, as a result of my former routine, needs to be kept or discarded. It’s important I be true to my nature; but I need to be clear what the differences are between my true nature and my programmed beliefs or habitual routines. Keeping this in mind is helping me to manage myself through this transformative time. I also watch the stories I tell myself and use tools that I know work, to help me adjust my attitude and perceptions so that I open to desired opportunities and experiences.

Whether or not you are going through a change in your routine at this time, how you manage yourself through such a time is worthy of a few moments of your consideration. It can make the difference between being in flow or being stuck in resistance.

You are what you practice.
© Joyce Shafer