You make affirmations because you want something
to improve. Then something happens, and your response or reaction is as though
you never affirmed at all. What’s going on?
We sometimes have just a split-second to choose
what we’re going to say (or do). If there’s a lot of emotion involved when
triggered by what someone says or does, we may not respond quite the way we might have liked to. We may realize we’ve been
triggered, but awareness of that and the opportunity to manage ourselves better
takes a backseat (or leaves the room entirely) to how ego wants to react.
Afterwards, we may feel disappointed in ourselves. We may know we could have
handled ourselves better. We may question what we really believe, because as
Joyce Meyer said, “What’s in our heart comes out of our mouth.” Now we’re in a
quandary: do we mean what we affirm or
don’t we?
This was my recent experience when someone asked
me a question worded in a particular way about a topic that, I admit, is still
a sore-spot with me. The question triggered my ego (which has an old tape loop
playing about this), and what came out of my mouth was based on that. Within
seconds, I felt disappointment in my response choices. My ego spewed words akin
to the momentum of a boulder tumbling out of control down a hill: I couldn’t
seem to stop myself from saying what I did, nor did my ego-aspect want me to.
Once I stopped talking, I thought of all the things I could have said instead,
words that would have been in alignment with what I affirm and actually believe. I “should” on myself
about this one on and off the rest of the day.
My responses were inarguably contrary to what I
believe and affirm when not triggered. I really didn’t want to create a match
to the words I’d spoken, so I had to look at what had happened, because I don’t
want it to happen again (it might happen again, but I want my self-adjusting
attention on this).
While I pondered this, I read an article in the
June 2013 issue of More magazine titled,
“Change one small habit, change your life”, by Brian Alexander. “A-ha” moments
came to me while reading the article about the challenge of habits or habitual
behaviors, as this relates to why, after putting energy and effort into
self-improvement, we can feel like it’s a “one step forward, two steps back”
process at times, especially when
triggered.
We are wired
to form habits or habitual behaviors for the purpose of brain-energy
conservation. Have you ever felt worn out from thinking long or hard about a
something that challenged you? How often do you really want to have to think
that hard? Do you want that much thought to be applied to, say, sweeping the
porch? Have you ever done something like brush your teeth or fold laundry while
your mind was focused on something else or just drifting from thought to
thought? Isn’t it convenient not to have to use the same brain-energy to fold
laundry as to balance a checkbook?
Many habits or habitual behaviors are what
Alexander called “boilerplate templates”: actions we do frequently or
repetitively. The brain would rather we have such templates or habits in place
so it can conserve energy for reasoning and decision-making. We could consider
habits or habitual behaviors the personal assistant that handles certain
details so the executive part of our brain can reserve energy for matters that
require more complex thought.
We’re easily swayed to form habitual behaviors by
the brain through the reward system. The reward
is a chemical response that either pleases us (like eating that piece of
chocolate we crave) or relieves stress or anxiety (like eating that piece of
chocolate we crave). Rewards are what we use to train animals, aren’t they? We
give them a cue (a trigger) and they respond accordingly and receive their
reward. Two-legged or four- or feathered: we all like rewards. And we tend to
repeat what brings us desired rewards.
Our brains are wired to first and foremost keep us
safe, alive, fed, and rested, which is our primary focus as youngsters and
underlie our adult existence. Once these needs become easier to manage and
maintain, the part of our brain that helps us look beyond basic needs becomes
more active. We become aware of, or return our awareness to, the
cause-and-effect factor regarding our past, present, and future experiences.
This kind of thinking requires rationale or reasoning. And therein is the
conflict for us: the choice between immediate reward (ego-based satisfaction)
and rationale (contemplate consequences before we speak or act), which requires
more brain-energy and can feel less satisfying to the ego-aspect that wants
what it wants when it wants it.
There are times in our daily life when the reward
we seek is relief from stress. Each person’s ability to manage his or her way
through this reward vs. rationale maze is as individual as the person. This is
why some people can change a habit or habitual behavior with seemingly little
to no effort but it can be a real challenge for someone else, which makes
criticizing anyone who is challenged in this way unjust. And because our
triggers and stress-relief processes are unique to us, one habit we have may be
easy to change but another one kicks us in the backside when we try to get rid
of it, especially if it’s a stress-reliever we’ve relied on.
When times are challenging or extremely stressful,
the desire for reward tends to outweigh the desire to be rational because our
desire to relieve stress, painful emotions, or pain becomes paramount to that
part of our brain activated first, to ensure our survival. Little thought is
given to cause and effect during stressful or painful times—we want relief as
quickly as possible. This is a survival mechanism that kicks into gear, akin to
why your body demands sleep when you need to heal from an illness or injury.
There is also something researchers call
depletion. It’s the result of trying to maintain self-control in a manner that
denies rewards. This is why when you diet inappropriately, meaning a diet not
appropriate for your personal chemistry or one of the starvation-type diets,
nearly all you can think about are foods you’re denying yourself. You feel so
deprived, that your ability to focus well goes off kilter. Once again, the part
of your brain assigned to basic survival kicks into high gear: it wants to
relieve stress caused by denial.
Depletion can also be the result of not saying all
that the ego really wants to say when triggered. And, if ego does speak out,
but still does not get the desired result, this is also a form of depletion and
is why any of us speak repetitively about unresolved matters. That we might
find a more constructive way to express ourselves with integrity for all
involved in an effort to resolve an issue often isn’t a concern of the ego that
feels threatened or criticized; so it experiences denial of what it craves,
which is to feel safe, accepted, and satisfied.
Depletion keeps us craving whatever we perceive
the reward to be, which makes changing a habit or habitual behavior quite
challenging. However, sometimes what we crave is inappropriate; so it’s not as
much a matter of satisfying the craving as it is exchanging an inappropriate
reward for a more appropriate one.
Let’s revisit why we want to pay attention to what
we say. We want a particular reward, say, an easier experience of life, so we
seek to align with appropriate beliefs and to use words that support the
beliefs and desired results. But if we’re triggered in a way that causes us
stress, anxiety, or anger, the old habit of seeking immediate relief gets
activated, and the reward of self-management gets shoved to the side. Words,
including ones in opposition to what we’ve chosen to and do believe, can escape
from us. And what can really make this more difficult is if we don’t realize
we’re in this trigger-to-reward (or relief) loop, as I was initially unaware of
in the personal example I shared. As with any tape loop, it repeats unless or
until it’s stopped somehow.
We can go at all of this from a direction that
researchers have discovered really does
make a difference: Appreciation. Deliberately connecting with feelings of
appreciation, gratitude, thankfulness—call it what you will—relieves stress and
anxiety, not just when triggered, but before, so that we aren’t so easily
triggered as we once were. Appreciation practiced daily, as often as needed
or chosen, can actually ease our trigger-response, which is after all, a
habitual behavior.
The article made a case-in-point about this
regarding a woman who had so many stress-provoking moments in her life each day
that she became used to (think depletion)
reacting as though everything, including small matters, was a catastrophe. She
got herself out of this loop by choosing something to appreciate or feel
gratitude about every day, especially when triggered. Can you see how all of
this would influence Law of Attraction?
Alexander wrote, “Self-awareness, self-monitoring
and will power are all key to busting out of a bad habit and forging a new
one.” There is a school of thought, though, that says will power really doesn’t
work, that success is more about our Why and whether or not the reward from a
new behavior motivates us more than the “reward” the old behavior provided.
But, we can put self-awareness,
self-monitoring, self-adjustment, and appreciation into practice, which creates
small wins for us. Small wins lead us to the desired habits and results we’ve
chosen.
The next time you catch yourself saying something
contrary to what you really believe and affirm, go ahead and stop yourself. Put
the brakes on that runaway train. You might even say aloud to whomever you’re
with that what you just said is an old program and no longer what you really
believe; then state what it is you really do believe. Do this to alter the
energy you’re transmitting and to halt the unhelpful loop, as well as to reduce
the energy of that particular trigger for a future time. It’s a good practice;
one you’ll appreciate.
Practice makes progress.
© Joyce Shafer
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