What to Do When Affirmations Don’t Cut It

Sometimes affirmations seem like the best thing to do, and then they don’t. Nor do they always quiet that annoying negative voice in the mind; but there’s something that does.

I don’t know about you, but sometimes I get really excited about one or more new affirmations. This is usually when my energy connection to Source hasn’t been supported by me as fully as it might have been and I’m feeling low or skittish or truly out of balance. I’ll work with the affirmations that make me feel better—for a while—then I notice I begin to alter the wording. This is natural and should be expected: we all start somewhere then progress from there, so of course the wording that worked at the beginning may need to be adjusted as we move forward and evolve.

However, I may also reach the point where doing the affirmations may start to feel as though I’m trying to convince myself they’re true in my life, or that I’m asking Source for what the affirmation affirms and that my asking is tinged with worry and doubt. Energetic hiccups happen when I attempt to say an affirmation I don’t absolutely resonate with or believe as 100% true in my own regard; not in regard to Source, of course.

I recently felt such awareness regarding the affirmations I was using each morning from Catherine Ponder’s book, The Secret of Unlimited Prosperity. They were all good statements that apply to many life areas, but even at the start, I had to alter some of the words so they worked for me. I still highly recommend the book, for lots of reasons; but I reached a personal realization and had to do something about it.

There is one particular thing she wrote that always gets and holds my attention: “Realization precedes manifestation. A realization of Truth will banish every ill, and the prayer through which realization comes is the prayer that asserts the truth.” My dictionary defines realize as, among other definitions: to make real; to understand fully. This made me look at that first sentence in a certain way. A realization can be a thought belief (to make real in the mind, even if it isn’t) or true faith (to fully understand, know), and the two are not the same thing, to my way of thinking.

Realization precedes manifestation. Thoughts create experiences. How often it has been my experience to either believe something (a thought I have, which may not be in my best interest, and may change) or to have faith (the absence of doubt, a constant belief upheld by evidence) and experience what it was I believed or had faith about. I know: it’s basic Law of Attraction.

When I recently noticed that I felt doubt about some of the affirmations, even with my own rewording, I decided the best way for me to have a beneficial experience was to use only those statements I could get 100% on board with, ones that did not cause that little voice in my head to say, “Un unh.” I call these Truth statements—statements I absolutely believe are true and have absolute faith in as Truth. I’m going to share some of them with you, and you can see if they resonate within you as they do within me. The statements are modified versions from Ponder’s book.

My Truth Statements

It is Truth that the One Source of Infinite Love is the source of all supply, including my supply. Reason this feels true: I do believe there is only one primary Source, so it makes sense that everything and everyone comes from that Source, is an expression of that Source, returns to that Source from which it or they came. This is also supported by metaphysicists and quantum physics, which finally, in premise, agree, even if they use different terminology.

It is Truth that the One Source of Infinite Love is always and in all ways opening and providing new channels of abundance, prosperity, and well-being to me, for me, and through me. Reason this feels true: I experience this, when I’m in flow. And, it also makes me feel quite good to support receiving and sharing as part of the larger dynamic of my experience—a grand abundance, prosperity, and well-being loop.

It is Truth that there is no numbering of the avenues through which supply may come to me; that my resource is as far-reaching as the universe. Reason this feels true: I believe that Source is unlimited. I more than believe this; I’ve experienced it on many occasions. Only human thought limits what we believe our supply and resources are. This statement also supports my connection with life.

It is Truth that I am meant to expect my supply through all avenues of contact with life. Reason this feels true: It has been said repeatedly that Source has already provided everything we ever need or ever could, and that only our resistance to receiving it, in some way, prevents it or holds it back from coming to us. Yes, this is one that is a larger conversation I won’t get into now, but we are not meant to not expect that our needs and desires are to be supplied during our life. (It’s not about what I can get from the flow, but that I get into the flow.)

It is Truth that my abundance, prosperity, and well-being are from Source; and that my abundance, prosperity, and well-being are always and in all ways omnipresent. Reason this feels true: I do believe the first part of that statement. And because I believe it and experience it as Truth, the second part of that statement must automatically be Truth, as well, because I believe Source is omnipresent.

It is Truth that appreciation is a magnet for all good things of the universe to hasten to you. Reason this feels true: It’s basic Law of Attraction. When you feel genuine appreciation for something or about everything, even at times when you stretch to feel that way, it shifts your energy. It allows good stuff to start happening because that’s the vibration you put out and that’s what you magnetize to you. This is also based on personal experience. As most of us know, feelings opposite of appreciation magnetize undesirable experiences to us. I have personal experience with this one, as well.

It is Truth that good things come to me in expected, unexpected, and wonderful ways, and sometimes with a promptness that is astonishing. Reason this feels true: repeated personal experience. I’ve been pleasantly surprised in this way, so know it as a fact—a Truth.

It is Truth that my every need is met. Reason this feels true: Again, personal experience. No matter how many times my ego-aspect drives me around the bend about some things, I eventually return to the Truth, and this statement is proven true, once again.

It is Truth that when we live, not just know, the Law of Attraction and the Truth of the One Source of Infinite Love, we never need to go seeking—our own always comes to us. Reason this feels true: It has been my repeated experience that when I get into the flow, rather than focus on what I can get from the flow (and especially not entertain thoughts of lack), remarkable things happen. I put out a thought or request and it shows up in an amazing way and timing, often without my having done anything other than think the thought, and trust the Truth. This doesn’t mean that I never or seldom take action: I’m always taking action. It’s just that sometimes the only action that was required was trust in the Truth of this statement.

Ponder wrote that one Truth student said, “I have never yet seen a case of unanswered prayer, when the one who prayed was really ready to receive the answer.” Being ready to receive the answer—that’s the key. Do you trust Source enough to trust the answer you receive and when you receive it? That’s one to contemplate. Sometimes the answer we get is not one we would have chosen and the when-aspect is like a frightening amusement park ride. We find we have to rely on our trust in Source to have higher wisdom about this.

I offer this about these statements and any you have for yourself based in Truth: when that voice inside your head starts playing negative tapes about anything, pull up an appropriate Truth statement and repeat it as needed. Don’t let the ego-aspect’s frightened or frustrated attitude get to you or take you over. Cancel it with Truth.

Realization based in faith—the absence of doubt—precedes manifestation that is in your highest good and the highest good of all involved, no matter how it initially may appear. A realization of Truth does, indeed, banish every ill—or the inclination to worry and fret; and the prayer or statement through which realization comes is the prayer or statement that asserts the Truth. Statements that affirm the Truth lead us to experiences of the Truth and, therefore, realizations of the Truth.

What is the Truth? Some aspects are listed above as my statements; but you learn what the Truth is when you experience it in all its beauty, wonder, and constancy over and over. There are, of course, other Truths not listed here. Explore the difference between thought beliefs (temporary, possibly non-supportive) and Truth (something that is constant, unchanging, and always and in all ways supportive). Readapting something Ernest Holmes wrote: Those who get involved with Truth evolve. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.                  

          

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce L. Shafer

You are welcome to use this article in your newsletter or on your blog/website as long as you use my complete bio with it.

Joyce L. Shafer is a Life Empowerment Coach dedicated to helping people feel, be, and live their true inner power. She’s author of “I Don’t Want to be Your Guru, But I Have Something to Say” and other books/e-books, and publishes a free weekly online newsletter that offers empowering articles. See all that’s offered by Joyce and on her site at http://stateofappreciation.weebly.com

Why the Way You Experience Life Is What It Is

Why is it that your efforts don’t ever seem to pan out as you’d like? Why does the same type of stuff happen to you repeatedly? Why can’t you get unstuck?

Each of those three questions is an important one, but especially why you can’t seem to get unstuck. Anyone who feels stuck in a life they desire to be different and improved contends with the fact of life in this physical-reality experience that how we experience life is a match to or reflection of our inner identity. Let’s go ahead and admit it: this just doesn’t feel good to know or accept. It’s easier to blame someone or circumstances. But that doesn’t create desired shifts, nor will it ever.

One of the popular practices promoted is to shift your thoughts to better ones. That can certainly be helpful and certainly aims you in a better direction than negative thoughts about you or others or circumstances ever could—which they can’t. There are times when that kind of positive-thought shifting feels easier and at other times feels nearly impossible. And, why doesn’t this always work or last as expected or desired?

Shifting thoughts, or using affirmations or visualizations, happens at the conscious level of mind. That’s all well and good—UNLESS—at the subconscious mind level, your inner identity is in direct contrast with what you use your conscious mind to try to convince your ego aspect is otherwise. You’ve got programs running deep, like an underground river, which means that’s where you need to paddle your boat if you’re going to move forward and find your way into the air and light.

It seems logical to then look at beliefs. You’ve possibly done exercises where you look at the beliefs you grew up with and absorbed from others about money, education, success, self-worth, your lovability, and so forth, and then rewrote them as better, more supportive belief statements. That’s a good practice, too. But why doesn’t that practice stick as well as expected either, if it hasn’t? It’s because the original beliefs became what you practiced for a very long time—they influenced your inner identity, and the new belief statements became your new verbal practices, but they don’t address your inner identity—what you believe you know about you as fact and truth, which is where you operate from at all times. And this is why you can get stuck here in belief statements, as well.

Maybe you try to convince yourself to believe in you because you weren’t taught to do that or because your value and worth and lovability were diminished by someone you trusted. But that was their practice, not the truth of you or about you. If—and when—you can truly see yourself as an expression of the God-Mind, you will realize that any thought you have about yourself that isn’t in alignment with that Truth can only be an illusion you practice. What makes the illusion feel real is that your inner identity gets matched in the physical realm to and with people and experiences—like moths to a flame. This is why any true and positive change or shift matches your inner identity at all times.

Your inner identity goes much deeper than the conscious level. It goes into the heart of what you believe about you and even deeper into what you believe about Source, God, God-Mind, One Consciousness, Universe—call it what you will. You may have said to yourself that you are an expression of the God-Mind and have a connection with God-Mind, and meant it or meant to mean it, but do you believe it as your inner identity, to the point where you know without doubt that it’s your Truth? It’s one thing to say it and another to believe it, know it, and live from it. If you’ve believed negative things about yourself for a lifetime, stepping into this Truth may or may not be as quick and easy for you as you’d like. But it’s doable, and it’s worth it so that you live and experience the true dignity of your existence.

If you can truly see and allow that you are an expression of the God-Mind, you will realize that absolutely nothing and no one is the source of your abundance, prosperity, well-being, worth, deservedness, lovability, and so on—no matter appearances—other than God-Mind, which is the only source, and your only Source, of everything. When you can begin to align with that as a fact of YOU and everything and everyone in creation, your inner identify can begin to realign with that Truth instead of the illusions you’ve believed. How you choose to feel about your experiences will shift. You will see your outer experiences begin to match or reflect your inner identity in ways that seem magical because of how fluid and natural they become. It’s possible that you’ve had moments where this was your experience. These were times when you connected with this Truth and experienced that connection as a feeling, a knowing. It’s a feeling like no other.

When your inner identity is aligned with this Truth, or as it begins to align with it, circumstances will become signposts that direct you onto a better path for you, rather than be viewed by your ego aspect as obstacles to beat your head against or be defeated by. And, you will no longer be able to tolerate some of the nonsense you currently tolerate from others or from yourself. I recently saw a quote that’s supposed to be Polish in its origins and is used when others want to pull you into their nonsense: “Not my circus. Not my monkeys.” You’ll also become aware that people who bring nonsense into your life, even serious types of nonsense, are letting you look into a necessary mirror to show you where and what your inner identity is reflecting outwardly and where and how it needs adjustment and realignment to the Truth of your divine nature.

You know your inner identity needs your attention when:

• You are present physically but are mentally focused on or in someone else’s business and life more than in or on your own. That’s a clear signal that you’re engaging victim mentality or are avoiding your own life and what may be needed to strengthen your inner identity, or that you’re doing both.
• Your sense of self and self-worth is diminished or lacking.
• Your energy for your life is lacking.
• You rely on others instead of yourself to cause you to feel good about you or to feel lovable and valuable. No one but you can heal the inner wounds that have influenced your expression of your inner identity.
• Even if loved by someone and or others, you still feel undeserving. This taints the love you give and causes you to fear giving and receiving love, as well.
• You live from your ego rather than your authentic self.
• Even though good things happen to and for you, you still feel empty and or undeserving.
• Compliments or praise make you feel uncomfortable rather than appreciated.
• You’re in a non-reciprocated intimate relationship (or any non-reciprocated relationship). You allow and accept less than you deserve from any and maybe all relationships, personal and professional.
• You allow yourself to accept blame for how consistently unhappy or angry someone else is.
• You allow verbal or physical abuse or apathy from someone or anyone, especially repeatedly.
• Most of your time and energy is spent putting out “fires”—yours or someone else’s—instead of creating something new that you’re enthusiastic about or on being focused on moving forward in your life.
• You use alcohol or other chemicals to escape or cope (long-term and frequent use, as opposed to occasional use).
• You ignore the “red flags” when you meet someone new, whether personally or professionally, and allow yourself to get hurt—again.
• You keep attracting the same types of non-supportive or emotionally unavailable or abusive people, whether in your personal or professional life or both.
• You people-please in an effort to receive approval, acceptance, and proof you are lovable and worthy.
• A person whom you know you shouldn’t be in any kind of relationship with keeps hooking you back in, including with “Let’s stay friends.” You’re addicted to the person—or rather, addicted to the chemicals that flood your body from the stress you experience with them or when you think about them, and your cells keep asking for hits of that particular “drug.”
• You’re addicted to stress and drama, which causes self-sabotage.
• An extreme form of this is when you’d rather not live than make necessary changes, mostly because you don’t realize it’s the condition your inner identity is in that’s contributing to your experiences—and that it doesn’t have to be this way. It’s not your physical life you want over but the cause of what hurts you that you want stopped. It won’t be anyone or anything that shifts in order for this to happen: it will be your inner identity that shifts, and you’ll be amazed at how wonderful this feels, because it is ultimately the true you that you seek and desire to be and express.

There are two significant ways to restore, realign, and re-enliven your inner identity: 1) Get clear on and in your relationship to and with Source and 2) love and encourage yourself from genuine (not egotistical) love and appreciation of and for you. Both of these, working together, can bring healing to emotional wounds that caused your inner identity to suffer. No affirmation, visualization, or positive thought can restore self-love. In fact, as well-intentioned and temporarily beneficial as these can be, they tend to remind you of what you believe you lack. Only your true willingness to love and appreciate yourself and your connection to Source can accomplish this restoration and replenishment. As a dialogue line in one of the Chronicles of Narnia movies said: “I’ve spent too long wanting what was taken from me, instead of what was given.” You’ve forgotten what Source gave you as your birthright—your heritage, as well as your personal power and your divine attributes to use while you’re here. This statement, borrowed in part from the bible, may help: I can do all things through SOURCE, which strengthens, supports, and supplies me through its Infinite Love and Resources.

You also want to stop putting your attention on what happened or happens that calls your inner identity into question and focus instead on why your soul aspect was or is willing to allow such experiences to happen, which was or still is to inspire you to heal childhood wounds that cause you to have the types of experiences you have as an adult, and to take responsibility for knowing and defining your true inner identity rather than let anyone else define it. If your inner identity needs redefining, please understand that this is one of the best, most loving things you can do for you. Others will benefit, but this is for you. It may also require some time and definitely intention, dedication, and—I’ll repeat—time, intention, and dedication to you and your right to an amazing life experience, whether the experiences are amazing or how you experience them feels amazing to you. Your inner identity didn’t shift from a divine expression of God-Mind to you believing it was less than that overnight. So it won’t necessarily shift back overnight either. But, you can do it, step by step, day by day, moment by moment. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.     

           

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

What Do You Do When Others Affect Your Mood?

Do others influence your mood? There’s a scientific aspect of this that reveals how and why this happens and why it’s more you than them. And, what you can do about it. 

Have you ever given your full attention to someone who was speaking about something unpleasant, something that caused their brows to furrow, their mouth to turn down? As this went on, did you notice your own brows furrowed, your own mouth turned down? Did you notice how you felt or began to feel? More than likely your mood altered, even though it’s their story not yours. What might this really be about?

I recall sitting with and listening to someone stream one unpleasant story after another, and noticing my facial features felt as though they might collapse inward. The muscles of my face were mirroring the person’s face that was set in a scowl that grew even more “scowl-y” with each negative story. After a while I said (nicely), “You might want to find and tell stories that don’t make your face go like this (I demonstrated the face) quite so often.” My comment made the person pause, but some habits (or addictions) die hard. Just as there are times we don’t recognize that we’re being more negative than is good for us or for those we’re with, it’s the same for others. On the flip side, if the person who’s speaking is smiling, you likely smile as well. You likely feel good in their company.

Feelings follow the face (and posture), which is why smiling and straightening posture are recommended as immediate mood elevators. Imitating facial expressions is something every infant does naturally. We just don’t realize this is carried forward into adulthood, or know the cause of why this is natural to all of us, starting from birth. We also are influenced by the tone and volume of others’ voices. We may find ourselves identifying with some of their word choices, as well, whether at the conscious or subconscious level.

What caused my facial expression to mimic the person’s—as well as everyone’s tendency to have this experience—is a result of what neuroscientists call mirror neurons “that subconsciously prompt us to mimic the body language and vocal patterns of our companion. And when we ape the behavior of others, we begin to take on their emotional state, a phenomenon dubbed ‘emotional contagion’.” This is according to an article in the September 2, 2013, issue of First for Women.

Now before we get into a muddle about this, these mirror neurons can also assist us to feel greater compassion, empathy, love, and any of the more positive or supportive emotions. However, since we can’t control what others say or do, we can do a few simple things to ease the negative mirroring that starts up in us, when we find ourselves in such situations.

Years back, I recall reading that if you wanted anyone uncomfortable with communicating to feel more secure about doing so, it helped if you either were busy doing something that didn’t require full attention (any simple task you can do by rote) or if you sat side-by-side rather than sat across from or looked directly at them, which can and does cause such hesitant communicators to feel challenged, insecure, or unsafe. Something similar to this the article suggested is called “reverse mirroring,” not for the purpose of making the other person comfortable about speaking, but to avoid letting your mirror neurons lock you into an undesired altered mood.

This reverse mirroring helps you to not catch the negativity “virus” from them, or at least to lessen its impact on you. This side-by-side positioning lets you be there for the person, without getting a frontal onslaught of their negativity via your own neurons. You might still feel their negativity waves, but not to the same magnitude as if you mirror them. The reverse works as well: if you feel low, sit across from someone who’s in a good mood, or watch a video online of someone happy, and allow your mirror neurons to work in your favor.

Here’s something else the article suggested: Cut the invisible bonds. The technique is to imagine a string or cord running between you, and imagine snipping that string or cord with scissors. According to Dr. Judith Orloff, this allows you to reduce the impact of mirror neurons. What I’ve done and do that’s similar, whenever I’m with someone whose energy is beginning to affect me in a way that’s uncomfortable or unpleasant, is do something while I still listen, like fiddle inside my purse as though looking for something. This type of buffer for your energy is something that isn’t considered rude or insensitive by the other person, say, like texting or checking e-mail on your phone would definitely be. You’re still listening and responding, but not mirroring and therefore not taking on as much of their negativity as you might.

A University of Oklahoma study recommends an emotional-regulation technique called “attentional deployment.” You can use this whenever someone is e-mailing or talking in a way that, even if unintentional, is a downer for you. Say the person put their negativity in an e-mail or text message. You can pick something to pay attention to, like how many words they misspelled. If they drone on and on in a negative way, you might count how many times they use a particular word. Again, it’s not that you don’t hear what they’re saying and respond appropriately, just that these techniques can quell your mirroring their written or spoken emotions and energy to the degree you otherwise might. In kind, notice if someone’s facial expression or mood is mirroring your own and decide if that’s really what you intend, or if you prefer to raise the energy by relaxing your face, or smiling, if appropriate.

People we call empaths have to, first, realize they are empaths and, second, learn how to manage and protect themselves from their sensitivity to others’ emotions that they can mistake as their own, which is another form of mirroring—an energy-based form. Introverts* also have a different energy experience when around others than extroverts do. And all of us are subject to our own mirror neurons. This also explains why watching TV programs or movies can influence your mood. These occurrences beg the question: How much of what we experience at the inner level is ours alone and how much is a mirrored experience? It’s something to consider.

*Check out the article online “23 Signs You’re Secretly An Introvert”.

Being sensitive to others’ feelings is worthy—and necessary, but not at the expense of your own well-being and at the expense of what you attract more of into your life by virtue of your own vibrations matched by Law of Attraction. You can be appropriately compassionate and empathetic and loving, but not be overrun by another person’s emotions, which can sometimes (or often) happen when we don’t know how to self-protect in such instances. Their emotions transmit one level of energy; our mirroring their emotions amplifies this in a way that doesn’t have to happen, if we know what to do about this. Pay attention to when you begin to mirror another. Be deliberate about what you choose to mirror, whether as the receiver or the sender. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate. 

[Note: As complementary information to my comment about empaths, introverts, and mirror neurons begging the question of how much of what we experience is ours, you can read best-selling author Barbara Berger’s State of Appreciation Guest Expert article about the No. 4 cause of suffering and unhappiness (“Investigate Your Stories) in this week’s issue, available online through Aug. 29, 2013. Barbara’s article is excerpted from her book, Are You Happy Now? 10 Ways to Live a Happy Life.]      

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Do You Plan for a Bad Day?

Who would deliberately plan to have a bad day, you ask? Anyone who doesn’t set themselves up for a good or better day, that’s who. Which one do you plan for?

Honestly, there are days that go “bad” and there’s nothing you can do about the events that happened. When such days occur, you have to do what you can to manage yourself through them as best you can. But for our purposes here, I’m talking about the “average” days, the days most of us wake to and experience. The reason such days are not as good as they might be is because of how they are put into motion by default.

Here are some ways we set ourselves up for a bad day by default, ways we might not perceive as obvious when we do them; they’re more like habits than conscious decisions. These include:

·         Not getting enough sleep, whether this is one or a few nights each week or every night (or day, for those who work nightshifts), when you have control over this, that is

·         Reviewing problems, issues, or life in general in a negative or hopeless way prior to going to sleep

·         Not preparing for the next day the night before, or not planning for enough time in the morning (or whenever) that you need to get ready for your day

·         Not establishing your priorities for the day then following up on them so you feel a sense of accomplishment

·         Not taking even a few minutes in the morning to meditate, or state appreciation, or set positive intentions for the day

·         Letting complaints or criticisms fill your first moments of the day because you aren’t filling your mind or fueling your energy with positive, constructive, supportive, appreciative, or empowering thoughts

·         Too many foods or beverages that throw body chemistry out of whack, or not eating enough of the foods that support your well-being

The opposites of the above are also obvious, but what about the inner ones, the ones that are more subtle? How can you set up a good or better day at the inner level, especially when you aren’t aware that you aren’t creating that set-up or that you can? You can use one of these paragraphs below upon waking and as needed during the day. Of course, you can add to these in ways meaningful to you.

If you’re metaphysical-spiritual, you might say:

I am thankful for this day. I am thankful for each blessing that comes my way and for each time I can be a blessing to others. I am thankful I easily see blessings for what they are. I am thankful for the gifts I possess that I share and can share. I am thankful that I am guided to be lovingly appropriate and appropriately loving to, with, and about others and to, with, and about myself.

If you’re religious, you might say:

This is the day the Lord has made. I will rejoice and be glad. I ask that the heart, mind, and hands of each person I engage with be blessed so they are a blessing to others and themselves. And I ask the same for myself so I may be a blessing, as well.

Another Way We Can Plan for a Better Day

A question we might get asked or give thought to ourselves is, “How did your day go?” Our answer usually includes what happened and how we feel about it. We don’t usually answer with how we managed ourselves or lessons we were presented with and what we did with them. We don’t usually say, “I was short-tempered” or rude, unloving, unkind, self-absorbed, lacked integrity, stingy, unappreciative, etc. Who’d want to make such admissions?! Some might be willing to do that, but it might be uncomfortable to do, willing or not. You can practice ahead of time to be and behave better, as well as in the moment. You can practice the paragraphs offered here or create your own, both the saying of the words (with meaning and feeling, not just as a chore) and put what the words represent into practice. 

Here’s a secret: three seconds of sincere, pure appreciation has more power than ten minutes of meditation where your mind keeps drifting off to what you need to do or what you’re upset about, or ten minutes of stating or writing affirmations, when this is done by rote—because you’re supposed to do it—or while contradicting or doubting the affirmations.

One reason we tend toward “bad” days is because we don’t practice planning for good ones. Each time we don’t use one of the paragraphs above or something similar to them to support a more positive mindset and energy vibration, each time we only criticize others rather than compliment or validate them as well, each time we complain and not balance this out with appreciation, we practice the opposite of what we desire: a better experience of ourselves, others, and life.

I say that practice makes progress, which is a statement of a fact. A lot of what we might call failures or lacks of success or frustrations in our day-to-day experiences is primarily a result of not practicing what leads us out of that wilderness and into the oasis of better thoughts, words, and actions that attract or get matched by more of the same. Practice means you do whatever that inner or outer activity is, often and repeatedly. Seldom does a person have just one thought about something, say, approaching a difficult person or issue more constructively, and from that moment on do it correctly each time. Practice is deliberate. Practice is for your own sake and in your best interest.

Is your practice a bad attitude or is it an open-to-learning-and-evolving one and on how you might be a blessing? Is your practice one of always being right (even when wrong) or one aimed at expansion of conscious awareness? Is your practice one of feeling denied in life or one of appreciation and counting your blessings? Is your practice only about what you can get or receive or also what you can give? If your days feel worse or less than better, check what you’re consistently putting into practice. It’s a good practice; one you’ll appreciate.    

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Do Your Beliefs and Behaviors Ever Clash?

What does it mean when our behaviors don't reflect our beliefs? It means it's time to re-visit what we believe.

Beliefs change. This usually surprises us because we invest a good deal of energy into identifying what we believe about anything. When beliefs and behaviors contrast, the typical response or reaction is to manage or attempt to manage the behaviors. But what does that really do? Solely managing a behavior not in alignment with a belief puts us into a form of self-denial, if we don't also look at the belief.

Why do we hold beliefs? They act as a guidance system for us, an internal GPS (Global Positioning System) that helps us follow our path throughout the moments of our lives. If we have head and heart alignment with our beliefs, they can serve us. If we don't, meaning we just give lip-service to them, they merely act as a corral to keep our true feelings inside. If contrasts between beliefs and behaviors arise, there is something we can do. We can ask a series of questions.

What changed? This has to be addressed at both inner and outer levels. One level does not change without affecting the other. Determine where the change originated that created the contrast: inner or outer. Once you know where it started, it will lead you to identify what influence it had at the other level. Once you identify these changes, you can ask the following questions.

What do I want instead? This comes directly from knowing what you don't want, which is, at the root of this, the actual discomfort you feel from the inner- and outer-level contrast. Most people believe they want something specific to change so they can feel in balance or better than they do. Feelings come from within. They are not a result of circumstances, but of choices we make about how to feel about anyone or anything, in any moment. If you know how you prefer to feel, you can determine what you need to do at the inner and outer levels to get to that feeling. However, the resolution of this will be long-lasting only if you have head and heart alignment about this.

How committed are you to doing whatever it takes to create more of what you want? If all you are engaged in is wishful thinking, nothing substantial will change. Wishful thinking has a constant companion: noisy dialogue, whether in our heads or to anyone who will listen. Commitment has energy, and as author Kurt Wright said, is a magnet. There is inner conversation as you ask yourself right questions, but then there is action, much more action than dialogue, when you have commitment.

Most inner- and outer-level struggles result from people not knowing what it is they want, being afraid to admit what it is they want, or being afraid to take action needed to create what they want. This is not living. Most of us are extravagant about how much time we think we have in life. And, we mistakenly think that life is about what we accomplish rather than what we feel about ourselves and every moment, and what we contribute to each moment. Accomplish what you want; but make your goal to feel what you want to feel about you in relation to the entire process from start to middle to end.

When all is said and done, whether at the end of a goal or the end of a lifetime, what do you want to feel about yourself, the outcome, and the experiences that got you there? Was it an impoverished inner experience or a richly-textured one? Were you serene more than not, joyful more than not, enthusiastic more than not, loving and caring more than not, trusting of Source more than not? Did you seek and find head and heart alignment more than not, and so on? Did you choose one feeling over another, with conscious awareness? Did you pay attention to contrasts between your beliefs and your behaviors, and address this to restore harmony in you, your life, and your relationships? Did you choose what you wanted to feel about yourself, say, to remain in integrity, before you spoke or took action, at least, as often as you could do this? These choices are always yours. Be deliberate about your choices. It’s a good practice; one you’ll appreciate.   

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

Do You Ever Contradict Your Beliefs and Affirmations?

You make affirmations because you want something to improve. Then something happens, and your response or reaction is as though you never affirmed at all. What’s going on?

We sometimes have just a split-second to choose what we’re going to say (or do). If there’s a lot of emotion involved when triggered by what someone says or does, we may not respond quite the way we might have liked to. We may realize we’ve been triggered, but awareness of that and the opportunity to manage ourselves better takes a backseat (or leaves the room entirely) to how ego wants to react. Afterwards, we may feel disappointed in ourselves. We may know we could have handled ourselves better. We may question what we really believe, because as Joyce Meyer said, “What’s in our heart comes out of our mouth.” Now we’re in a quandary: do we mean what we affirm or don’t we?

This was my recent experience when someone asked me a question worded in a particular way about a topic that, I admit, is still a sore-spot with me. The question triggered my ego (which has an old tape loop playing about this), and what came out of my mouth was based on that. Within seconds, I felt disappointment in my response choices. My ego spewed words akin to the momentum of a boulder tumbling out of control down a hill: I couldn’t seem to stop myself from saying what I did, nor did my ego-aspect want me to. Once I stopped talking, I thought of all the things I could have said instead, words that would have been in alignment with what I affirm and actually believe. I “should” on myself about this one on and off the rest of the day.

My responses were inarguably contrary to what I believe and affirm when not triggered. I really didn’t want to create a match to the words I’d spoken, so I had to look at what had happened, because I don’t want it to happen again (it might happen again, but I want my self-adjusting attention on this).

While I pondered this, I read an article in the June 2013 issue of More magazine titled, “Change one small habit, change your life”, by Brian Alexander. “A-ha” moments came to me while reading the article about the challenge of habits or habitual behaviors, as this relates to why, after putting energy and effort into self-improvement, we can feel like it’s a “one step forward, two steps back” process at times, especially when triggered.

We are wired to form habits or habitual behaviors for the purpose of brain-energy conservation. Have you ever felt worn out from thinking long or hard about a something that challenged you? How often do you really want to have to think that hard? Do you want that much thought to be applied to, say, sweeping the porch? Have you ever done something like brush your teeth or fold laundry while your mind was focused on something else or just drifting from thought to thought? Isn’t it convenient not to have to use the same brain-energy to fold laundry as to balance a checkbook?

Many habits or habitual behaviors are what Alexander called “boilerplate templates”: actions we do frequently or repetitively. The brain would rather we have such templates or habits in place so it can conserve energy for reasoning and decision-making. We could consider habits or habitual behaviors the personal assistant that handles certain details so the executive part of our brain can reserve energy for matters that require more complex thought.

We’re easily swayed to form habitual behaviors by the brain through the reward system. The reward is a chemical response that either pleases us (like eating that piece of chocolate we crave) or relieves stress or anxiety (like eating that piece of chocolate we crave). Rewards are what we use to train animals, aren’t they? We give them a cue (a trigger) and they respond accordingly and receive their reward. Two-legged or four- or feathered: we all like rewards. And we tend to repeat what brings us desired rewards.

Our brains are wired to first and foremost keep us safe, alive, fed, and rested, which is our primary focus as youngsters and underlie our adult existence. Once these needs become easier to manage and maintain, the part of our brain that helps us look beyond basic needs becomes more active. We become aware of, or return our awareness to, the cause-and-effect factor regarding our past, present, and future experiences. This kind of thinking requires rationale or reasoning. And therein is the conflict for us: the choice between immediate reward (ego-based satisfaction) and rationale (contemplate consequences before we speak or act), which requires more brain-energy and can feel less satisfying to the ego-aspect that wants what it wants when it wants it.

There are times in our daily life when the reward we seek is relief from stress. Each person’s ability to manage his or her way through this reward vs. rationale maze is as individual as the person. This is why some people can change a habit or habitual behavior with seemingly little to no effort but it can be a real challenge for someone else, which makes criticizing anyone who is challenged in this way unjust. And because our triggers and stress-relief processes are unique to us, one habit we have may be easy to change but another one kicks us in the backside when we try to get rid of it, especially if it’s a stress-reliever we’ve relied on.

When times are challenging or extremely stressful, the desire for reward tends to outweigh the desire to be rational because our desire to relieve stress, painful emotions, or pain becomes paramount to that part of our brain activated first, to ensure our survival. Little thought is given to cause and effect during stressful or painful times—we want relief as quickly as possible. This is a survival mechanism that kicks into gear, akin to why your body demands sleep when you need to heal from an illness or injury.

There is also something researchers call depletion. It’s the result of trying to maintain self-control in a manner that denies rewards. This is why when you diet inappropriately, meaning a diet not appropriate for your personal chemistry or one of the starvation-type diets, nearly all you can think about are foods you’re denying yourself. You feel so deprived, that your ability to focus well goes off kilter. Once again, the part of your brain assigned to basic survival kicks into high gear: it wants to relieve stress caused by denial.

Depletion can also be the result of not saying all that the ego really wants to say when triggered. And, if ego does speak out, but still does not get the desired result, this is also a form of depletion and is why any of us speak repetitively about unresolved matters. That we might find a more constructive way to express ourselves with integrity for all involved in an effort to resolve an issue often isn’t a concern of the ego that feels threatened or criticized; so it experiences denial of what it craves, which is to feel safe, accepted, and satisfied.

Depletion keeps us craving whatever we perceive the reward to be, which makes changing a habit or habitual behavior quite challenging. However, sometimes what we crave is inappropriate; so it’s not as much a matter of satisfying the craving as it is exchanging an inappropriate reward for a more appropriate one.

Let’s revisit why we want to pay attention to what we say. We want a particular reward, say, an easier experience of life, so we seek to align with appropriate beliefs and to use words that support the beliefs and desired results. But if we’re triggered in a way that causes us stress, anxiety, or anger, the old habit of seeking immediate relief gets activated, and the reward of self-management gets shoved to the side. Words, including ones in opposition to what we’ve chosen to and do believe, can escape from us. And what can really make this more difficult is if we don’t realize we’re in this trigger-to-reward (or relief) loop, as I was initially unaware of in the personal example I shared. As with any tape loop, it repeats unless or until it’s stopped somehow.

We can go at all of this from a direction that researchers have discovered really does make a difference: Appreciation. Deliberately connecting with feelings of appreciation, gratitude, thankfulness—call it what you will—relieves stress and anxiety, not just when triggered, but before, so that we aren’t so easily triggered as we once were. Appreciation practiced daily, as often as needed or chosen, can actually ease our trigger-response, which is after all, a habitual behavior.

The article made a case-in-point about this regarding a woman who had so many stress-provoking moments in her life each day that she became used to (think depletion) reacting as though everything, including small matters, was a catastrophe. She got herself out of this loop by choosing something to appreciate or feel gratitude about every day, especially when triggered. Can you see how all of this would influence Law of Attraction?

Alexander wrote, “Self-awareness, self-monitoring and will power are all key to busting out of a bad habit and forging a new one.” There is a school of thought, though, that says will power really doesn’t work, that success is more about our Why and whether or not the reward from a new behavior motivates us more than the “reward” the old behavior provided. But, we can put self-awareness, self-monitoring, self-adjustment, and appreciation into practice, which creates small wins for us. Small wins lead us to the desired habits and results we’ve chosen.

The next time you catch yourself saying something contrary to what you really believe and affirm, go ahead and stop yourself. Put the brakes on that runaway train. You might even say aloud to whomever you’re with that what you just said is an old program and no longer what you really believe; then state what it is you really do believe. Do this to alter the energy you’re transmitting and to halt the unhelpful loop, as well as to reduce the energy of that particular trigger for a future time. It’s a good practice; one you’ll appreciate.  

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

What Do You Expect?

You know it's important to identify and shift limiting beliefs, but how can you more easily identify the more subtle ones you inherited or learned? One sure way is to look carefully at your expectations.

As a child, and even now, you learn and absorb beliefs about everything, limiting or not, by hearing them, through observing the actions of others, and energetically, because we ARE able to perceive the subconscious energy patterns of each other. Fortunately, you deliberately and successfully shift some of these beliefs as you move through life. This is beneficial because all beliefs become expectations; and many of them are quite subtle. They make their appearance, often in a flash, and are likely dismissed by you just as quickly, even though you experience the result of them.

In discussions about Law of Attraction, you’re told that desire is a key element. You desire a great many things you still don’t have. If desire alone did it, you would have them. One reason you don’t have some of these desires is because what you EXPECT blocks them. Desire IS important, but expectation is far more important. Desire is a form of energy: a mental exercise. Expectation is creative energy in action. Expectations come in two flavors, so-to-speak: What you really expect to happen and the expectations you hold about yourself, both of which are, likely, primarily subconscious.

Let's get something significant covered: There is a greater plan at work for you (and by you) that your soul has committed to fulfill while you’re here. If you try to avoid your soul purpose or aim at something that will not fulfill it, you will bump into proverbial brick walls set up to get you back on track, however long that takes.

We too often follow what ego craves or expectations of others, rather than what our soul came here to do and nudges us toward. When a desire isn't fulfilled, it's important to discover if this is because it doesn’t match your soul purpose or because of expectations that block its fulfillment. You can assist your soul purpose and create more desirable experiences by getting clear about the expectations you carry.

You can uncover negative expectations by stating what you desire, or an affirmation about it, then pay attention to what your inner voice says immediately afterwards. The voice will either support or refute the possibility of what you desire ever happening. This voice repeats what you’ve learned and absorbed from others about how life works, or how life works for someone of your social, income, or education level, gender, age, etc.

Then there are the expectations you hold about yourself. These come from comments, observed actions, and beliefs others held (or hold) about you that were communicated to you directly or energetically and then carried by you into your experiences, past and current (and future), and have more power over you than any affirmation or action you take.

Set aside time to list expectations you've carried about yourself and about your life. Example: If you're a woman, and depending on your age, you may have been raised with the expectation that a husband would support you financially; and, maybe your reality is that you either have to or have chosen to support yourself. Can you see the potential contrasts and conflicts that could come up for you about this and how they may defeat your success and joy in doing this? If you're a man, what expectations were placed on you about making a living and making a life, or expected behaviors?

If you carry expectations that demand you feel and do things that feel unnatural to you (unnatural is different from somewhat uncomfortable—like when you try to do something you’re just learning), you will feel like you're on a hamster wheel going nowhere, or not far, or even backwards. For example, you may be expected by others, or may expect yourself, to be someone who goes into the world like a powerhouse and does things in a particular way; yet, your nature may be that to succeed and be fulfilled you need to follow a very different path; or the reverse may be true for you. This and other such contrasts create tremendous stress, frustration, and feelings of being a failure that do not have to be your experience.

"Every decision you make - every decision - is not a decision about what to do. It's a decision about Who You Are. When you see this, when you understand it, everything changes. You begin to see life in a new way. All events, occurrences, and situations turn into opportunities to do what you came here to do." - Neale Donald Walsch

Walsch's quote reaches into the heart of the matter; though, I'd add knowing the foundation of who you are needs to be included. You can enhance choices, decisions, and how you fulfill your life vision and purpose by shedding negative expectations you carry and trusting what you discover or already know about how you can best express who you authentically are. You can become comfortable and confident "in your own skin."

You don't have to continue on with expectations that have not served you so far. Give yourself some time to list as many expectations as come up for you. Pause when they surface and look at them. Ask yourself how they influence your choices, as well as how they influence how you feel about yourself and your life. Feel your truth and write these truths down so you can refer back to them.

Appropriate-for-you supportive expectations create desired experiences and results. It’s a good practice, one you’ll appreciate.        

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer

The Flaw in How We Pray or Affirm

Whether we pray or affirm doesn’t matter; they’re just paths to one center. However, what we understand about how they are meant to work does matter.

One thing we need to be clear about either praying or affirming is that they don’t, as such, affect or influence the Creator or the Universe; they ARE meant to affect or influence US, starting with how we think (there’s more to this, in the following paragraphs). Provision of some result is always ours. And, if we believe in measuring more for ourselves, or less, that is responded to accordingly.

There’s a phrase in the bible: “As ye believe, it shall be done unto you,” which is the premise of the Law of Attraction. Many of us have been taught to pray or affirm in particular ways, which led us to believe that if we just craft our words a certain way, that makes the difference. No. Although word-crafting is important, relying on it solely makes it too easy to bypass the fact that the Universal Principle we call Law of Attraction is in effect. And this Principle or Law responds to “As ye believe,” not “As ye speak but don’t believe.” When a prayer or affirmation is fulfilled, it isn’t because we were convincing with our words, it’s because we aligned with, moved into, right relationship with how the Principle works, in alignment with The Bigger Picture.

The reminder that every thought is a prayer or affirmation came to me as the answer to my request to know what it was that I needed to learn… let me repeat that… that I needed to learn… about myself as it related to a situation I found difficult. There are circumstances that can feel difficult, but what often makes them more difficult is how we relate to them.

Understandably, we want a difficult circumstance to go away; the sooner the better. And we don’t really wish to look at the part we play in that dynamic. For me, I needed the reminder that the words we hear and believe the most are the ones we tell ourselves. And whether 100% true or not, we believe them; and then they become part of our story. Then we repeat our story to ourselves, and others. If our repetitions are supportive or constructive, there’s no problem. If they’re not supportive or are destructive, I call this “playing the broken record.”

For those of you too young to know about vinyl records played on a turntable, if there was a snag in the vinyl, the needle got stuck and you’d hear the same brief segment of music or lyrics played over and over and over, until you lifted the needle. Sometimes our mental-emotional needles get stuck in the same way, and we find ourselves dealing with a case of “As ye believe, it shall be done unto you” about the same matter or issue for years. How can any of us expect different results if our needle is stuck playing the same emotionally-charged thoughts about something over and over? We DISDAIN, when we could ORDAIN differently.

I realized my needle has been stuck about one particular matter for a long time. So, I know it’s going to take deliberation and a deliberate change in thinking for me to move the needle so I hear the song or symphony that’s on the other side of the bump… or I should say rut. If I truly desire this, how I think about this matter has to change FIRST. I must commit to the song, not the snag. I also must not expect myself, after years of playing this broken record, to be transformed instantly. I’m not saying that can’t happen, but I don’t want to add self-judgmental expectation into the mix. I just want to move forward.

I’m going to share how the first several hours of this new practice went for me. You may be able to relate to the first part: I caught myself repeating the old story in my head. I stopped. A few minutes later (maybe it was seconds later) I caught myself doing it again. Crikey! After the fifth time, I realized…

1. It’s a long-practiced habit; it’s going to take more than just a decision for that “pendulum” to swing to the other side.

2. I realized I didn’t have the absolute solution or resolution yet. I didn’t know when that would happen, or if it would happen all at once or in parts over time. But, I wanted to Do Something Constructive Now.

3. I decided to say “Broken record” each time I caught myself playing this particular one, or any one, and then picture a perfect, peaceful lotus blossom on still water.

4. I knew I was going to be face-to-face with this particular challenge later that day, which was the trigger for the replay moments. Broken record… peaceful lotus.

5. Once in that face-to-face place, despite all my prep work, I noticed I had an attitude. Whoa! That led me to realize something I already know: that negative anticipation influences me in a way I don’t like, and that if I experience the same type of challenge repeatedly, there’s one thing consistently present: Me!

6. I mulled over the idea that even if I wasn’t the originator of the challenge, I’ve been engaged in keeping it alive. Broken record… peaceful lotus. (So you know, this inner attention resulted in a harmonious experience.)

Will lifting this “needle” eliminate the challenge completely from my life? I don’t know . . . it might; it depends on what I need to learn about myself through this. But that outer change is not the one that’s more significant; my inner change is. If I keep that foremost in mind, I’ll stay on track better and I’ll experience this process (and my progress) differently than if I focus solely on what my ego wishes would happen (everything and everyone involved, BUT ME, changes). I have enough experiences I can recall to mind that prove that when I get into right relationship with the Principle, things shift, but especially, I shift. That’s really what every dynamic in my life (and yours) is ultimately about, anyway.

How can we hear or sing our desired NOW and therefore our desired future if all we listen to or play are broken records? In the case of “broken record, peaceful lotus,” each is a prayer and affirmation of what we believe and is what is, or can be, reflected in our life. Please keep in mind that there’s a huge difference between contemplating an old story in order to see it in a new light or to glean something from it to help us improve or release it, and in repetition out of anger or sadness or frustration, which makes us angrier or sadder or more frustrated.

We are to also pay attention to what Ernest Holmes calls the Mental Equivalent: Our perspective about anything outside us comes from within; and, we get back what we send out. This applies to the perspective we hold about ourselves, others, and life. This means the range of our possible or potential manifestations cannot exceed the mental equivalents of our beliefs. To expand results, we have to expand what we believe. We cannot pray or affirm for improvement AND play a broken record about it. That’s like always turning left at the corner and being miserable or complaining because we never leave the block. To experience something else requires US to change our path, even a bit.

Holmes wrote, “To desert the Truth in the hour of need is to prove that we do not know the Truth.” He actually wrote this in all capital letters to demonstrate its significance. So, you can say that the flaw in how we pray or affirm stems from lack of proper relationship (alignment) with the Law of Attraction Principle, which stems from not understanding the Truth of the Principle as we might. Every challenge, and blessing, is an opportunity to explore and integrate more of this aligned relationship and the Truth that “As ye believe, it shall be done unto you,” and put these into practice.

Practice makes progress.

© Joyce Shafer