Do you confuse being
authentic or successful with being perfect? How’s that working for you so far,
or for those you know who practice this?
Perfectionists believe
their value or worth (especially self-worth) as individuals is arrived at by
virtue of what they do perfectly or by being seen as perfect or always right, rather
than by who they are at their core (like the rest of us) or what they can
contribute. They may apply this philosophy to others, as well. When they or
others don't perform to their standards—even if those standards are unrealistic,
which perfectionism always is—they seldom, if ever, pause to ask what is
working right, and why, and how they can expand this into areas that would
benefit from improvements. (A perfectionist—and proud of it—boss I worked for
once said he didn’t want to focus on what was working right, only on what was
wrong. You can imagine how much fun he was to work with.)
A favorite thought or
saying of someone affected by perfectionism might be: "If everyone would
just do what they are supposed to,
everything would be the way it is supposed
to be," as though life has a strict blueprint to be followed by everyone.
These types “should” on people quite often. We might wish this blueprint
concept were so at times, both for ourselves and for those we interact with, so
life could seem easier and clear-cut, but that’s just not the way it is.
Thinking this way is
actually more about how the perfectionist feels about himself or herself than
it is about the others they aim this thought at. I’ve even known perfectionists
who believe others should be mind-readers so they know what the perfectionist
expects, without having to be told. Sometimes, anticipating what another
expects or needs works out or is a good idea, but most of the time, we’re a bit
busy focusing on other things, including our own issues, desires, and needs.
Mind-reading shouldn’t be a requirement placed on anyone.
During life
empowerment coach training, we learned that all of us must start where we are,
acknowledge what is in the moment, and then move forward from there. Over the
course of our lives, most of us have witnessed scenarios where someone insisted
on nothing less than perfection from themselves and others. Perhaps we've even
done this, to some extent, ourselves. Not only is perfectionism not realistic,
it isn’t a goal—really, it isn’t, though many try to make it so for themselves
and others. If you practice perfectionism, how can you accept where you are
right now in order to influence where you intend to go and how you will
experience your journey along the way, in a manner that cuts out a lot of the
frustration and stress perfectionism causes? And if you can’t accept and allow
this about yourself, how can you practice compassion, understanding, support,
and encouragement with others?
Perfectionists, in my
experience at least, do not have a tendency to focus on conscious awareness or
personal growth—or if they do, they feel their inner work is deep when it’s actually
shallow. This is because they are too focused on being perceived as right and
unflawed. What an exhausting and frustrating way to live, for the perfectionist
and those they live or interact with. Someone who is always right or unflawed
(or, rather, deeply craves to be seen as such so they can believe this about
themselves) can’t afford to demonstrate a need to do the inner work. That would
mean something was “wrong” with them. Their egos don’t set to that place on
their life and personal development dial. There’s either growth or there’s
stagnation: the choice is ours.
What would a person's
experiences, and the world as a whole, look like if we understood that life is
an ever-changing process and that we process life and influence our reality
through the thoughts, feelings, and actions we choose each moment to
accommodate the changes we encounter? People who strive for perfection often
have difficulty making decisions and moving forward, or when they do make
decisions or move forward, it isn’t as enjoyable or fulfilling for them as it
might be—or, likely, for others involved. It's no wonder they have trouble
doing so! Take a moment to think about their energy and where that energy is
focused. It's all about the individual and their ego-aspect’s demanding needs.
It's constrictive rather than creative and or collaborative. It’s about doing
for the sake of approval, not Being for the sake of having a fulfilling life
experience.
Empowerment comes from
embracing the perfection inherent in what is seemingly imperfect, as well as
the imperfection in what is seemingly perfect. Who cannot recall having an
experience that appeared, at first, to be negative only to discover a valuable purpose
in it or for it at some later time? Or maybe the opposite happened and what
seemed ideal turned out not to be. Why did this realization happen, if it’s
happened to you? Because you processed the experience at an inner and outer
level, no matter how long it took for that to happen.
When we actively,
consciously engage in process, we waste nothing that comes to us as an
experience to help us expand conscious awareness and grow from there.
Perfectionists are not interested in process, as a rule, because of what I
mentioned earlier: it may mean there’s something about them they need to work
on or balance, and that can be a too-painful realization for them.
Process allows us to
discover more of what we can about ourselves in relation to everyone and every
situation that enters our lives. It is our opportunity to decide how to move
forward, how to grow. Perfectionism stops us where we stand, even if we appear
to move forward in our outer lives. It is an illusion, and it traps and
constricts us because the life experience is not authentic and flowing, but
forced. Illusions eventually get revealed as what they are. You want a stronger
inner foundation and outer experience than this.
Perfection has rigid
rules and is, as I said, not realistic. Excellence, however, is doable,
attainable, and realistic. Excellence allows for creative expression and for us
to move forward to the next level as we move along in our lives. Perfectionists
believe there is only one level: perfection, which is an enervating path to
follow. Those who aim at excellence realize there’s always a next level to aim
for and go to, that we do learn from missteps, which is an innovative and
life-affirming path to follow.
Every moment and
experience provides us with an opportunity to assess what we want to glean from
it, how we want to use it, and how we can grow from it. It’s a
good practice, one you’ll appreciate.
Practice makes progress.
© Joyce Shafer
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